A
awhitman
Guest
sorry flutterby .i will make corrections. i must admit that i get lost reading it myself. i guess that was inconsiderate.
A
awhitman
Guest
These are signs/symptoms of an abused child at different ages
Age Birth to 5
Age Birth to 5
- Sleep and/or eating disruptions
- Withdrawal/lack of responsiveness
- Intense/pronounced separation anxiety
- Inconsolable crying
- Developmental regression, loss of acquired skills
- Intense anxiety, worries, and/or new fears
- Increased aggression and/or impulsive behavior
- Age 6 to 11
- Nightmares, sleep disruptions
- Aggression and difficulty with peer relationships in school
- Difficulty with concentration and task completion in school
- Withdrawal and/or emotional numbing
- School avoidance and/or truancy
Ages 11-18
Antisocial behavior
Antisocial behavior
- School failure
- Impulsive and/or reckless behavior, e.g.,
- School truancy
- Substance abuse
- Running away
- Involvement in violent or abusive dating relationships
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Withdrawal
the one that sticks out here is withdrawl and or emotional numbing. he has told me that he cant feel emotions like he used to.
he has difficulty fitting in at school. he has the school failure, the aggression, the antisocial behaivior, the impulsive behaivior,and depression.
it looks like the domestic violence can lead directly to psychological disorders.
I wondered why it would be so severe when he was not the one that the violence was directed towards but then i listened to a guy on the site talking about how children feel when violence happens. he said they feel like the world+ parents was out of control and they need to be in control.
Its all heartbreaking. i feel like its all my fault but i cant feel that way really because i know in my heart of hearts that i tried everything that i could to get away.
and even when i left and we went through the custody battle and all the dept. of childrens services stuff there were people that asked me why didnt you call the police? why isnt there documentation? and the answer is that my ex didnt beat me, he merely went into rages and screamed and shouted obscenities and false accusations and then he would throw me across the room repeatedly, hold me down and twist my arms into unnatural and painful positions. these things do not leave marks but they are equally as terrorizing. Then he would drag me to the bedroom with me screaming and crying and fighting to get away. It is very hard to prove domestic violence when you have no proof.
I had only one piece of evidence. A hospital report and a police report that stated that my husband tried to break my foot. he almost succeeded. it was swollen and in a boot for two weeks. Even with this evidence my ex husband was awarded cusody of the two smaller children because they wanted daniel separated from the two little ones. I get to see them in the summer. Daniel has a restraining order between him and his brother and sister until they all turn 18. They are not even allowed to be within sight of him or send notes or talk on the phone. Therefore i have to find a "babysitter" for daniel when the little ones come.
It doesnt help that my ex is a firefighter and knows all the police officers and judges in the town.
I knew if i left him sooner that i would never be able to provide for the children, i would never be able to prove abuse, and he would get the kids because he could provide for them financially.
When the ex brought up daniel's behaivior to the dept. of childrens services it had already been two years since the last incident. In other words he could care less about what happened, he just wanted to use it to get the little ones. And it worked. Because daniel had threatened to kill the ex the dept would not put daniel in the ex's care.
Shortly after my other two were taken from me i found out that the ex was sleeping with a loaded gun under his pillow at night. he told my kids that he kept it there because he thought i was coming in to his house at night and stealing from him. i guess he was hoping to get a chance to shoot me and get away with it. I was never in his house. I told the court and they did nothing.
I'm sorry, im still a little bitter. can you tell? I went through years of hell so i could save my children one day. I worked hard to provide for them once i was able and it all fell apart.
Thats okay, i have a feeling my little chickadees will come home to me one day when they get old enough and hopefully they arent too damaged. If they are i will do my best for them all.
Right now i am trying to get into school to be a nurse because if one of them tells me they want to come live with me i want to be financially able to fight it in court and right now i dont have the means. especially when the whole town is political and the ex knows everyone.
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flutterby
Fly away!
Yes, I've had more than one therapist tell me that witnessing abuse can have the same effect, or worse, as receiving abuse.
I watched my father abuse my brother and he was always screaming at my mom. To this day, men being loud - even if it's not anger - unsettles me. Men being angry in a confrontational way sets me into panic and I'm not the flight type of adrenaline. But, I am certainly in panic and probably look pretty crazy.
My son's father was abusive to me. I left him when easy child was 2 and went right into another abusive marriage. I left that when easy child was 5 and difficult child was 18 months. easy child would get between me and 2nd husband and tell him to "leave my mommy alone". The night I called the police on 2nd husband was because he was choking me on the bed and difficult child was lying right beside me.
difficult child was always exceptionally needy. I have no doubt that had an effect on her. From what I've read and talked to professionals about, is that when children experience trauma when they are preverbal they remember the feeling, but they didn't have words for it then, so they don't have words for it now. And it can be anything that is a trigger - a tone, a color, a smell. It's really hard to identify.
easy child doesn't have much memory of anything from the ages of 5-12 or so.
I watched my father abuse my brother and he was always screaming at my mom. To this day, men being loud - even if it's not anger - unsettles me. Men being angry in a confrontational way sets me into panic and I'm not the flight type of adrenaline. But, I am certainly in panic and probably look pretty crazy.
My son's father was abusive to me. I left him when easy child was 2 and went right into another abusive marriage. I left that when easy child was 5 and difficult child was 18 months. easy child would get between me and 2nd husband and tell him to "leave my mommy alone". The night I called the police on 2nd husband was because he was choking me on the bed and difficult child was lying right beside me.
difficult child was always exceptionally needy. I have no doubt that had an effect on her. From what I've read and talked to professionals about, is that when children experience trauma when they are preverbal they remember the feeling, but they didn't have words for it then, so they don't have words for it now. And it can be anything that is a trigger - a tone, a color, a smell. It's really hard to identify.
easy child doesn't have much memory of anything from the ages of 5-12 or so.
busywend
Well-Known Member
It is also possible that your son has some genetic mental health issue going on like his dad sounds like he has.
Being a parent is not always glory. Sometimes we have to be the bad guys. Sometimes we make the hardest decisions in the best interest of our children. Even if it means they never speak to us again we have to do what is best for them.
Protecting him is not the answer - that has been tried and it is not helping.
Time for desperate measures with him being 17.
I can not recall - has there been intensive therapy? Maybe the last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stay?
Being a parent is not always glory. Sometimes we have to be the bad guys. Sometimes we make the hardest decisions in the best interest of our children. Even if it means they never speak to us again we have to do what is best for them.
Protecting him is not the answer - that has been tried and it is not helping.
Time for desperate measures with him being 17.
I can not recall - has there been intensive therapy? Maybe the last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stay?
A
awhitman
Guest
I am so glad that someone else has gone through the abuse. I was a little embarrassed because everyone here seems so normal and never talks about problems they had like that. It is impolite in many people's eyes to talk about such a thing. In other's eyes it is unacceptable. When one of my co workers found out she said immediately (with disgust) how do you even get yourself into something like that? I had almost convinced myself not to ever come back to the forum because the next thing posted i was sure was going to be really mean and i would be crushed. I was anxious about it all day. Thank you !!!
Daniel has been to a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) for sexual offenders. My ex husband told dcs about daniel and his sister pretending to have sex. They did not actually do anything / she is still a virgin. I was upset when i discovered them but i remember being curious at that age too. They were punished and given a lecture and separated from then on. Two years later the ex told d.c.s. and they took my two younger children and gave them to the ex. Sent daniel to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for sexual offenders. They concentrated on the aberrant sexual behaivior. He saw a psychiatrist once a week one on one and once a week in group therapy. I dont know how much good it did. Daniel said he learned a lot of things.
I just got off the phone with daniel. he wanted his radio. he says he wants to stay at this juvenille facility. He seems happy there. I think maybe it is exactly what he needs. If he is affected by all this abuse he will not feel safe with me no matter who i am with. At the facility he seems to feel safe. He does not have as much depression because there are other kids there that he identifies with. He will not have as much issues in the alternative school because he does better in an alternative learning environment where all the work is classwork.
The only unresolved large problem is the anger. That may come out and cause him a problem. If the judge allows him to stay at this facility i will try to request that he see a psychologist too.
As for daniel's father he refused to see a psychologist vehemently. He was a man's man who enjoyed the company of other men. He was home maybe two nights a month with his family. the rest of the time he either went "coon hunting" or went to the fire hall to hang out. He had a hero complex. He needed constant affirmation from others. He was abused as a child. He started working when he was nine years old. His family was dirt poor. He would give his shirt off his back to someone else ... and brag about that for the rest of his life. But he would not fix the most dangerous of problems for his own family. For instance a light fixture that was dangling by wires in the children's room (they had bunk beds and could reach out and touch the wires) amongst many other things. i wont bore you with it ALL.
When he was home he was angry. If he was angry it was over NOTHING. He was always right, he has never done anything wrong in his life. He feels the need to impress everyone. He flaunts money he does not have. He has to be in total control of everyone and everything. The driving force behind that need is fear. His mother has some kind of serious mental problem. Her father was certifiably nuts and had a bad temper.(understatement)
Yeah, something is definately going on in his family. in my family my mother is a very controlling person. I think she might have a disorder. I dont know what it is but whatever it is she is not normal.
Daniel has been to a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) for sexual offenders. My ex husband told dcs about daniel and his sister pretending to have sex. They did not actually do anything / she is still a virgin. I was upset when i discovered them but i remember being curious at that age too. They were punished and given a lecture and separated from then on. Two years later the ex told d.c.s. and they took my two younger children and gave them to the ex. Sent daniel to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for sexual offenders. They concentrated on the aberrant sexual behaivior. He saw a psychiatrist once a week one on one and once a week in group therapy. I dont know how much good it did. Daniel said he learned a lot of things.
I just got off the phone with daniel. he wanted his radio. he says he wants to stay at this juvenille facility. He seems happy there. I think maybe it is exactly what he needs. If he is affected by all this abuse he will not feel safe with me no matter who i am with. At the facility he seems to feel safe. He does not have as much depression because there are other kids there that he identifies with. He will not have as much issues in the alternative school because he does better in an alternative learning environment where all the work is classwork.
The only unresolved large problem is the anger. That may come out and cause him a problem. If the judge allows him to stay at this facility i will try to request that he see a psychologist too.
As for daniel's father he refused to see a psychologist vehemently. He was a man's man who enjoyed the company of other men. He was home maybe two nights a month with his family. the rest of the time he either went "coon hunting" or went to the fire hall to hang out. He had a hero complex. He needed constant affirmation from others. He was abused as a child. He started working when he was nine years old. His family was dirt poor. He would give his shirt off his back to someone else ... and brag about that for the rest of his life. But he would not fix the most dangerous of problems for his own family. For instance a light fixture that was dangling by wires in the children's room (they had bunk beds and could reach out and touch the wires) amongst many other things. i wont bore you with it ALL.
When he was home he was angry. If he was angry it was over NOTHING. He was always right, he has never done anything wrong in his life. He feels the need to impress everyone. He flaunts money he does not have. He has to be in total control of everyone and everything. The driving force behind that need is fear. His mother has some kind of serious mental problem. Her father was certifiably nuts and had a bad temper.(understatement)
Yeah, something is definately going on in his family. in my family my mother is a very controlling person. I think she might have a disorder. I dont know what it is but whatever it is she is not normal.
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flutterby
Fly away!
Normal is a setting on a washing machine. I don't think any of us here are "normal". That's sooooo boring.
Trust me, you'll find parents here who have been through more and then some, and some of us have mental health issues ourselves. Mental illness is genetic, afterall, so no surprise there.
Trust me, you'll find parents here who have been through more and then some, and some of us have mental health issues ourselves. Mental illness is genetic, afterall, so no surprise there.
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