What now?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Zardo, Mar 3, 2013.

  1. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Our lawyer tellls me with difficult child's arrest and prior history we have a very good chance of working with the court to develop some kind of plan to get difficult child into programs. For sure, he will have a probation officer and mandated therapy, but is thinking that we should start with an evaluation, which I agree with, then a period of time in either rehab or dual-diagnosis. Yesterday, I spoke with an SA counselor whom I know very well who is also a former heroin addict. He believes there is no point in rehab, difficult child has already been to Wilderness for 90 days and has been in IOPs on more than off for the past 1.5 years. His advice is to focus on individual therapy. WE do have an in-home program through DCF that we started about a month ago in preparation for his discharge from IOP - this fellow tells me the judge will love that. difficult child talks about being done for sure for now due to probation "there is no choice I am not risking going to jail to some pot", but he is also telling the sad story about how someone like him should not be brought into the law, he wasn't doing addictive drugs and he wasn't hurting anyone. My friend the counselor says if that's the way he is talking, he's not done. difficult child tells me that whil he was at bording school last year, he had extended periods of time of sobriety, he claims 3-4 month at a time with ususally a single incident of relapse in between. Who knows. The story he tells now is that he had been doing well and staying sober for at least a montha nd everything that was found was from a very bad relapse that started about 2 weeks ago. He talks about how he thought he had found a way to "moderate" and that he thought he would be fine.....if he stuck with just pot and hallucinigens that aren't addictive, he would be OK. When going through his cell phone history, it tells a different story. It's hard to find that period of sobriety in the phone. difficult child feels great remorse and shame and he has accepted that he has no choice than to stop if even for just probation and is positive he is going away, but tells me how to find a place where they allow cigarettes and contact with your friends. He also tells me that parents that come down too hard with too many crazy consequences make things worse. I am troubled by this. I have seen him in acceptance before and this doesn't feel the same. Part of me thinks, who care, rebah is still his best chance of starting again and somehow getting to acceptance again. Not to stop for now, but, hey, maybe I need to be sober, for real. What do you guys think?
  2. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Another question I have is if the court orders rehab or dual diagnosis - who pays for that? AND- he is a Special Education studen. Obviously, he is getting exeplled, this will be the second time. There is a SE hearing at which I chose to weather or not to waive my right to include his Special Education profile as part of the reason this happenned, therefore, shaping what school program may be offerred; ie. alternative school versus school for SE/therapeutic, etc. My husband says we're not waiving any rights until we get more information about his psychiatric profile and the reasons why he is on the path he is on. Do I hire an educational consultant right now or not? difficult child has caused all of this and we have done much to intervene. I do not wish to "save" him from the problems he caused, in fact, I'm glad he got caught so it brings it all out. I just don't know the best way to move forward. Our parenting coach says at this stage, let everyone else make the decisions, just be there for support. But - what does that mean, do I hire a SE consultant to represent his interest at the board of ed level or not? difficult child would much prefer to do what he has to do and come home to attend alternative. He is VERY concerned about everyone "forgetting him". I know a SE consultant will go the other way and try to find long-term solution out of his environment - I know how they think we have looked into that before. Other people say, sending them away is not a solution, they still eventually come back and have to learn to live in an uprotected environment. I am SOOOOO confused.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wow, he is really trying to manipulate the whole situation. He doesn't take responsibility for anything, tries to say he can moderate his use, wants specific accommodations while "sent away", and is still trying to convince you this was just a slip up.
    I wouldn't give up any rights to special education while he is in.....there are parents here who have had their kids with IEP's in Department of Juvenile Justice. Not sure how that worked while in but then when coming out there were meetings to get him back in. If his disability is genuinely related it shouldn't excuse him but be considered in treatment. (Often wishful thinking ....should be being the operative words)

    I hope parents who have had kids with IEPs in Department of Juvenile Justice will share. Check online like on writeslaw to get information.

    Do you need a paid educational consultant? Well, if you can't find a no cost advocate. Just make sure they are special education specialists.

    Id want his IEP to continue. If he does turn things around and eventually goes to college or other post high school ed. That proof of ed. disability can help him get supports.

    I can't imagine all that's going through your head. I remember when you first started posting and telling about the Wilderness program. It's been a long journey.
  4. Petunia

    Petunia New Member

    Hi, Zardo. First, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. It is not a pleasant position to be in, and you have my complete sympathy and support. Having been pretty much where you are, I would like to share a few thoughts based on your post, if that's OK (and I'm not totally familiar with the entire backstory, but think I've got it pieced together a bit.)

    1. First, embrace ANY support anyone is willing to give you. It's absolutely FABULOUS that the justice system can even order such a thing as dual-diagnosis treatment. In our state, that is no longer even an option. Actually, the juvenile justice system here cannot order either inpatient mental health or inpatient substance abuse treatment as a condition for probation. Or even as an alternative. So if you have this resource available to you, explore it. As to your question of who will pay for this...well, that probably depends on the laws of your state. In my state, the parents are responsible for all costs of anything ordered by the court. Including a court-appointed attorney, outpatient treatment/evaluations, etc.
    2. Probably the larger issue here in your mind is your question about what the appropriate approach would be. You feel conflicted because your difficult child is telling you one thing, then contradicting that, then your subsequent insight into his phone messages tell you something else yet again. (((((hug))))) I understand. I do. You want your son to be ready for treatment. You want him to give up his abuse of substances and his distorted thinking of being able to "just" smoke pot or "just" do this or that. We, the sober people of the world, know this is impossible for an addict. And yes, I don't care what the "experts" or society says, an addict can be addicted to pot. Perhaps they won't die from a withdrawal, but a psychological addiction is still an addiction. My son has spoken almost identical words to those your difficult child has spoken. And I know in my heart when it's real and I know in my heart when it's not. I'm willing to bet you do too, just based on your statement "this doesn't feel the same". If he's worried about his friends forgetting him and he wants to have contact with them, he's not committed to his sobriety. If rehab away from home is a viable option, I would seriously consider it as the only option if I were in your situation. If he attends alternative school, I assume this means he'd have access to his same crowd and old contacts. You asked the question about just letting things take their course. You asked what does this mean? (((another hug))) I have said that same thing SOOOO many times!!! Oh my gosh! The years of struggling with that stupid phrase (and the oh-so-helpful "let go and let God." WTHeck does that mean?!?!?!!? Is God supposed to set the curfews? Is God supposed to enforce the rules and dole out appropriate discipline? Argh!) Anyway, as far as hiring an SE consultant to represent his interests at the board of ed expulsion/manifestation determination, it sounds like you are already somewhat familiar with what they'd be seeking and that would be to get him out of his environment long-term. Again, you are back to question of whether you feel this is the best option. As far as people telling you that sending them away doesn't work and they have to come back eventually...well, there is some truth to that statement. However, leaving them in their current environment doesn't work either. An addict can be an addict in pretty much any environment and it ALWAYS comes down to their choosing to stay sober. The up side to him going into long-term treatment is that there is the possibility that it would work and it gets the drugs out of your home and away from your easy child. And it may possibly give you the breathing space to do some healing. Because you are in the thick of the battle with two long years looming ahead until he's 18 and pretty much in control of his own destiny (if your signature is current and he is 16). You will need your strength. You will need firm resolve. You will need support (and I mean from people who know. Not from people who think they know). And none of that is easy to attain while you are still spending every waking moment monitoring his movements and planning your next defensive or offensive movements.
    3. Your question about IEPs in Department of Juvenile Justice - my son had an IEP for his ADHD and the Department of Juvenile Justice pretty much came up with their own version. Depending on the type of facility (and probably again your state), there may not be too much need for an official IEP, although he can maintain the "status" in the event he attends college or returns to a regular classroom someday. The environment in the facility where my son was sent was already outside of a typical classroom environment, so the IEP developed for him in a regular high school was irrelevant. They developed their own plan and put it into play in his education. Because my son turned 17 while he was in Department of Juvenile Justice custody, he was required to obtain his GED rather than continue pursuing a regular diploma (again, this is a state-specific requirement). This was just as well in my son's case, as he never would have been able to return to a regular high school environment to pursue a diploma, and he was at least able to be accepted to a community college with the GED. Otherwise, he would have nothing at this point. Hopefully you have some resources either through the legal channels or your community that can tell you what your state requires/implements as far as an IEP and so forth. I wish I could point you to a specific resource, but unfortunately in my experience, there were none.

    Good luck to you as you move forward. Try to listen to your instincts and let the rest kind of filter through. It's a safe bet you are bombarded with "advice" from well-meaning friends and relatives. There can be helpful information found from almost any source. If it lines up with your beliefs and your gut, then it's good. If it feels wrong, well, it probably is. You must do what is right for you and your family, and that is totally you and your husband's decision to make.

    Take care,
  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You know how there are "talking points" when politicians go on CNN, etc. to give the "party line?" Well, I'm sure there are SA difficult child talking points that make the rounds, as well. All of these kids are hilarious because they all give the same excuses.
    My difficult child used to say the EXACT same things when he was trying to guilt us, or snow us into excusing or understanding his behavior. I give him points for effort, though. Don't cave, and I know it's hard to walk the fine line between supporting good choices, and discerning when they are just going along to get along.

    I agree with Buddy's advice.