what should I do with H & closure
- Thread starter Steely
- Start date
I think it was Star, years ago, that talked about putting your feelings in a "box" and putting it up in the closet until you were at a better place to deal with them. Sort of a form of detachment. I sometimes do that to this day.
Maybe you should go, maybe you should just let it ride. Maybe you should plant some beautiful flowers/trees for your sister IN YOUR OWN YARD? Put a little bench out there where you can go and talk to her?
Who knows? We certainly don't know, just are here to offer suggestions. It is true that everyone grieves differently. I, like someone before said, have a couple of tea cups and saucers from my great-grandma, and that is all I need because I still have the memories.
(HUGS) Steely
tawnya
Maybe you should go, maybe you should just let it ride. Maybe you should plant some beautiful flowers/trees for your sister IN YOUR OWN YARD? Put a little bench out there where you can go and talk to her?
Who knows? We certainly don't know, just are here to offer suggestions. It is true that everyone grieves differently. I, like someone before said, have a couple of tea cups and saucers from my great-grandma, and that is all I need because I still have the memories.
(HUGS) Steely
tawnya
Steely,
I think you may be on to something. I would urge you to seek out grief counselling when you are in a place/time where you think it is appropriate. Many funeral homes offer it to ALL, not just to those who have used their services. At least this is the case in my community.
This would let you meet face to face with others and maybe learn new ways to cope with your grief. It doesn't need to happen now, but it may help at some point.
Gentle hugs to help you work through this.
I think you may be on to something. I would urge you to seek out grief counselling when you are in a place/time where you think it is appropriate. Many funeral homes offer it to ALL, not just to those who have used their services. At least this is the case in my community.
This would let you meet face to face with others and maybe learn new ways to cope with your grief. It doesn't need to happen now, but it may help at some point.
Gentle hugs to help you work through this.
totoro
Mom? What's a difficult child?
S- I have a little bottle that I put the only 2 items I have of my Mom's. They are a little puka shell necklace and bracelet. Some photos as well, only a couple.
But I have this bottle in my bathroom, on the counter. I look at it everyday and this little thing that has really no monetary value makes me smile and has helped me feel my Mom's presence at times when I felt alone.
It is my connection to her.
Sometimes less is more... it keeps it simple, special. To me...
But I have this bottle in my bathroom, on the counter. I look at it everyday and this little thing that has really no monetary value makes me smile and has helped me feel my Mom's presence at times when I felt alone.
It is my connection to her.
Sometimes less is more... it keeps it simple, special. To me...
witzend
Well-Known Member
Come on up. I'll drive you around. I know all the places she went. I know that sounds odd, but all of us go the same places up here! There are some beautiful places that the people who love it here just don't ignore. We could go to the Portland Women's Forum. I bet she loved it, and I'm sure you would too.
http://www.oregonstateparks.org/park_164.php
But, that being said, I wouldn't go up and fight for her stuff. The probate is done and it's too late for that. All it will accomplish is that you will fight. I would try to keep your dignity, and if you want, I will go with you and we can talk to her partner at some point and ask for one or two small things of hers to remember her by. She loved H, and she can't be that cold-hearted if H cared for her. I wouldn't wait forever, though. Those things may mean little to her and she may not know what to do with them.
I think I would ask your parents for one or two specific items if it is not too late. Maybe a note would be less painful. But I wouldn't put it past them to call the police on you if you come up here with a fight in mind. Don't let them make you that unhappy and vulnerable. Be strong by staying away from them.
Have you talked to a grief counselor yet? It's been a long time, and you're feelings are still so raw. The constant back and forth with your parents isn't helping you. Ask for a small thing, if you really need a thing, and move on with her memories, away from them.
Steely
Active Member
This is what I have decided to do.
I am going to completely separate myself from the entire legal, and tangible aspect of H.s death, and put all of my feelings on a box on a shelf, for now, and move forward.
Thanks for all of the help in deciding this, I feel peace with it, and that is what I needed as a confirmation.
klmno
Active Member
Good for you, Steely! The important thing is to be true to yourself and at peace with yourself- it sounds like you have found that, at least in regards to this situation.
I am another who can say that when someone very close to my heart passed away, I only was left with a couple of small things that had no monetary value, so no one else wanted them. But, they were things that were a part of the person's daily life, so they mean the world to me and truthfully, I think they are more representative of the person than one of the more costly items that they had purchased and just "put" somewhere. I do hope that you have, or end up getting, one or two things like that of H's.
I am another who can say that when someone very close to my heart passed away, I only was left with a couple of small things that had no monetary value, so no one else wanted them. But, they were things that were a part of the person's daily life, so they mean the world to me and truthfully, I think they are more representative of the person than one of the more costly items that they had purchased and just "put" somewhere. I do hope that you have, or end up getting, one or two things like that of H's.
Suz
(the future) MRS. GERE
I can understand self-protection and a desire to move forward. I'm a bit concerned about putting feelings in a proverbial box before you have dealt with them.
Steely, my Dad was killed unexpectedly and in a violent manner when I was 20 years old. I came from a loving family...but a family who didn't talk about feelings. I stuffed my feelings down about Dad's death in order to function...but those boogers kept popping up in unexpected ways...........in panic attacks...........and anxiety......and misery....for decades.
I think the concept of putting something in a box and filing it away is to do this AFTER you have dealt with the shock, rage, misery involved with grief.
Your posts show that you are revisiting your feelings over and over so in my humble opinion you aren't ready to do the *box thing* yet. It's wishful thinking that you can file your feelings away at this point; sadly, I suggest it's still too early. I strongly urge you to get grief counseling now to help you during these phases. Your counselor- and you- will know when it's really time to move on.
Suz
amazeofgrace
A maze of Grace - that about sums it up
I am mad on your behalf at your parents lack of sensitivity!
But if it is only going to cause a rift and more aggravation for you, maybe you could ask your Mom for specific items that you had in mind and just tell her they'd mean the world to you.
My cousin kept her Dad's antique car for 5 years, it did not run and she lived in an apartment and had to pay a garage to store it for her. She finally took a picture of the car and frame it and she let the car go, but she had to be ready, it was her way of grieving her Dad, and although it did not make sense to most people, even me, I respected her need to go through that, and helped her along in finally saying good bye (to the car) when it was time, when she was ready.
<<<HUGS>>> hoping you parents miraculously get sensitivity chips!
PS sorry just read all the posts, the box idea sounds like a good idea to me, it's there, you know it's there, and when you're ready you will open it again
But if it is only going to cause a rift and more aggravation for you, maybe you could ask your Mom for specific items that you had in mind and just tell her they'd mean the world to you.
My cousin kept her Dad's antique car for 5 years, it did not run and she lived in an apartment and had to pay a garage to store it for her. She finally took a picture of the car and frame it and she let the car go, but she had to be ready, it was her way of grieving her Dad, and although it did not make sense to most people, even me, I respected her need to go through that, and helped her along in finally saying good bye (to the car) when it was time, when she was ready.
<<<HUGS>>> hoping you parents miraculously get sensitivity chips!
PS sorry just read all the posts, the box idea sounds like a good idea to me, it's there, you know it's there, and when you're ready you will open it again
Last edited:
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Steely,
I'm so sorry I couldn't weigh in on this. I was absorbed in my son's issues, and wasn't sure I could say anything of value.
I'm glad you've come to a decision. It must be a great relief.
I'm thinking that staying home will help to provide some calm and distance from your parents and their effect on you, too.
What a loving sister you are. {{hiugs}}
I'm so sorry I couldn't weigh in on this. I was absorbed in my son's issues, and wasn't sure I could say anything of value.
I'm glad you've come to a decision. It must be a great relief.
I'm thinking that staying home will help to provide some calm and distance from your parents and their effect on you, too.
What a loving sister you are. {{hiugs}}
Steely
Active Member
So today I am having anxiety attacks all day again. Suz you made me realize it could be because I am trying to stuff this.
Several of you mentioned that it seems like I am "stuck" or caught in this grief 6 months later, which seems like a long time to you guys. I guess I did not feel like 6 months was a long time, but maybe it is? I don't want to be stuck, or dramatic, or caught in unproductive anger.
Several of you also have mentioned grief counseling. I see a counselor every week, so what is grief counseling? You mean like a group of people?
witzend
Well-Known Member
There are specialists who deal with grief, and there are groups that may be more helpful. I think that maybe what some mean by "stuck" is that there are a lot of different parts in the process of grief and loss. I guess what I see is that you're hitting a skip in the record. That happens. And you never stop grieving. But it does get less difficult over time.
It seems like this is interfering with your day to day life in a way that is not healthy. I know that you won't ever forget H or or "get over" her loss. Still, it doesn't feel right that you are unhappy as much of the time as you seem to be. Of course, maybe you aren't, and we just don't know about the less distressing parts of your life.
As to your therapist, if all you are doing with him/her at this point is still talking about your the unhappiness of H's loss, maybe you need to ask if there is a different direction your sessions can take, or perhaps look for someone who is more prepared to help you move forward with your grief into a less painful way of living with it.
{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}
It seems like this is interfering with your day to day life in a way that is not healthy. I know that you won't ever forget H or or "get over" her loss. Still, it doesn't feel right that you are unhappy as much of the time as you seem to be. Of course, maybe you aren't, and we just don't know about the less distressing parts of your life.
As to your therapist, if all you are doing with him/her at this point is still talking about your the unhappiness of H's loss, maybe you need to ask if there is a different direction your sessions can take, or perhaps look for someone who is more prepared to help you move forward with your grief into a less painful way of living with it.
{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}
totoro
Mom? What's a difficult child?
I think, there is no "right" way to deal with loss. An expert can tell you what they have read or what works in "most" circumstances. We can tell you how we dealt with loss. What we think or feel, but there really is no right or wrong. 6 months may be long for one or not barely enough time for others.
I agree that if you are moving forward then it is OK to feel the way your do. If you feel nothing but despair and utter grief, well then I would look into maybe group or like Witz said changing it up with your therapist.
Of course we worry and want you to be happy, all of the time! For me it is frustrating because I feel like I need to do more and want to do more to help you but can't.
I suppose this is your journey, grief and all. It doesn't seem fair, what we are given in this life at times.
Hang in there
I agree that if you are moving forward then it is OK to feel the way your do. If you feel nothing but despair and utter grief, well then I would look into maybe group or like Witz said changing it up with your therapist.
Of course we worry and want you to be happy, all of the time! For me it is frustrating because I feel like I need to do more and want to do more to help you but can't.
I suppose this is your journey, grief and all. It doesn't seem fair, what we are given in this life at times.
Hang in there
Suz
(the future) MRS. GERE
Steely, 6 months is a drop in the bucket when it comes to grief. In one way or another you will grieve H's death for the rest of your life.
I get the sense that rage (at the situation, your parents, the shock, how she died, etc) is interfering with you being able to simply deal with H's loss. That hits home to me because I was also all tangled up with rage. One thing a grief counselor can do is help you sort out your feelings and deal with them individually, and then as a whole. You can have individual help or group sessions. I tried both for different things and each helped in different ways.
The bottom line is that H loved you. No matter what happened or how it happened H would want the best for you and for you not to suffer.
Hugs,
Suz
I get the sense that rage (at the situation, your parents, the shock, how she died, etc) is interfering with you being able to simply deal with H's loss. That hits home to me because I was also all tangled up with rage. One thing a grief counselor can do is help you sort out your feelings and deal with them individually, and then as a whole. You can have individual help or group sessions. I tried both for different things and each helped in different ways.
The bottom line is that H loved you. No matter what happened or how it happened H would want the best for you and for you not to suffer.
Hugs,
Suz
