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what should I have done??
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 434757" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>When you have some time to yourself, sit down and think through the last time he blew up on you. Think back over what he did and you did and how things went.</p><p></p><p>Decide what outcome you wanted - both a longer term skill he needs when he grows up and an immediate goal if those are two different things. Maybe the longer term goal is that he learns to recognize and verbalize when he's upset or frustrated. The short term goal is that, when he's upset, he goes to his room when asked.</p><p></p><p>Work backwards and see if you can come up with a plan of what you want to try the next time that situation happens based on the goals you have for him. Write your plan down. make it simple - as simple as you can so it will be easier to remember it.</p><p></p><p>You can also decide on a goal(s) for yourself when the situation comes up. Maybe your goal is to keep a level tone and not yell or plead or whatever. Maybe your goal is to remember and use the plan you have decided on in advance. Maybe your goal is to get husband to switch hit with you when he's home.</p><p></p><p>Does husband help you when he's home? If not this absolutely needs to change. I do not mean to be sexist but kids react differently to men than to women and you need to use that to your advantage. But husband cannot be an armchair parent - sitting in his chair yelling at the kids to do something repeatedly until he finally gets up and goes to angrily threaten them into doing what he said.</p><p></p><p>If you haven't read Ross Greene's The Explosive Child I suggest you get this and read it. I think it will help you to figure some of this stuff out.</p><p></p><p>It sounds to me like you feel paralyzed when he suddenly explodes. Your emotions are in turmoil. If you're like me you are feeling all kinds of things when your kid is exploding </p><p></p><p>dread</p><p>anger</p><p>guilt</p><p>embarrassed</p><p>foolish</p><p>frustrated</p><p>self-pitying (why me)</p><p></p><p>Part of your job is to do a reality check about your own feelings when you are NOT in the middle of a crisis. This will help you let go of those feelings and free yourself up to deal with what's really happening in the moment. For example:</p><p></p><p>Dread - OK so his tantrums have been pretty bad at times but they don't go on forever; they could be much worse; you will get better at coping effectively and regain a sense of control over the situation</p><p></p><p>Anger and pity party - You are right to feel like you have gotten the short end of the stick. A lot of other parents got "easy" kids. But you're a grown up and you know that life often isn't fair. You know that your son is depending on you and husband to teach him the skills he needs to cope no matter what his challenges might be. So you get to suck it up and deal with it and perhaps find a therapist for yourself so you can process these feelings with someone who knows how to support you.</p><p></p><p>Guilt - you deal with guilt by taking control of yourself and the choices you make in dealing with your son. So you made mistakes in the past. Can't do anything about that except to figure out how to do better in the future. You get to feel guilty if you </p><p></p><p>1) refuse to admit to yourself that you could be doing a better job as a parent</p><p>2) know that you could be doing a better job but refuse to do anything about that</p><p>3) indulge yourself in anger and self-pity in the midst of crisis. Pity parties in posts here are absolutely allowed.</p><p>4) spend more time worrying about what other people may be thinking about you/your family than you spend thinking constructively about how to cope effectively. </p><p></p><p>Foolish and embarrassed - You have to let go of worrying about what other people think or say because you have NO control over that. You can only control yourself. People will think what they think. And you would be surprised at the number of parents out there who are sympathetic and have been through stuff themselves - no matter how together they might seem to you.</p><p></p><p>You are doing a great job. You are looking for help and using the advice and info you have gotten to help your family. That's what a grown up does.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 434757, member: 11920"] When you have some time to yourself, sit down and think through the last time he blew up on you. Think back over what he did and you did and how things went. Decide what outcome you wanted - both a longer term skill he needs when he grows up and an immediate goal if those are two different things. Maybe the longer term goal is that he learns to recognize and verbalize when he's upset or frustrated. The short term goal is that, when he's upset, he goes to his room when asked. Work backwards and see if you can come up with a plan of what you want to try the next time that situation happens based on the goals you have for him. Write your plan down. make it simple - as simple as you can so it will be easier to remember it. You can also decide on a goal(s) for yourself when the situation comes up. Maybe your goal is to keep a level tone and not yell or plead or whatever. Maybe your goal is to remember and use the plan you have decided on in advance. Maybe your goal is to get husband to switch hit with you when he's home. Does husband help you when he's home? If not this absolutely needs to change. I do not mean to be sexist but kids react differently to men than to women and you need to use that to your advantage. But husband cannot be an armchair parent - sitting in his chair yelling at the kids to do something repeatedly until he finally gets up and goes to angrily threaten them into doing what he said. If you haven't read Ross Greene's The Explosive Child I suggest you get this and read it. I think it will help you to figure some of this stuff out. It sounds to me like you feel paralyzed when he suddenly explodes. Your emotions are in turmoil. If you're like me you are feeling all kinds of things when your kid is exploding dread anger guilt embarrassed foolish frustrated self-pitying (why me) Part of your job is to do a reality check about your own feelings when you are NOT in the middle of a crisis. This will help you let go of those feelings and free yourself up to deal with what's really happening in the moment. For example: Dread - OK so his tantrums have been pretty bad at times but they don't go on forever; they could be much worse; you will get better at coping effectively and regain a sense of control over the situation Anger and pity party - You are right to feel like you have gotten the short end of the stick. A lot of other parents got "easy" kids. But you're a grown up and you know that life often isn't fair. You know that your son is depending on you and husband to teach him the skills he needs to cope no matter what his challenges might be. So you get to suck it up and deal with it and perhaps find a therapist for yourself so you can process these feelings with someone who knows how to support you. Guilt - you deal with guilt by taking control of yourself and the choices you make in dealing with your son. So you made mistakes in the past. Can't do anything about that except to figure out how to do better in the future. You get to feel guilty if you 1) refuse to admit to yourself that you could be doing a better job as a parent 2) know that you could be doing a better job but refuse to do anything about that 3) indulge yourself in anger and self-pity in the midst of crisis. Pity parties in posts here are absolutely allowed. 4) spend more time worrying about what other people may be thinking about you/your family than you spend thinking constructively about how to cope effectively. Foolish and embarrassed - You have to let go of worrying about what other people think or say because you have NO control over that. You can only control yourself. People will think what they think. And you would be surprised at the number of parents out there who are sympathetic and have been through stuff themselves - no matter how together they might seem to you. You are doing a great job. You are looking for help and using the advice and info you have gotten to help your family. That's what a grown up does. [/QUOTE]
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