mrscatinthehat
Seussical
Sending tons of hugs, love and support.
beth
beth
What the heck is plan B?
- Thread starter timer lady
- Start date
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
Linda,
I had to read this twice - At first I couldn't believe what I was reading - I'm at a loss for words. My first reaction is anger - How can he be so self-centered? How can he just walk away from his responsibilities? How can he just walk away from you, from the tweedles?
You are a very strong woman. I'm very glad you won't let him abuse you or kt emotionally or verbally. If this is how he is, then, I believe in the long run you're going to be better off without him. First, you need to get through this extremely dark period.
I know that you have a very loving and caring family. They will be here for you in whatever capacity you need them. Lean on them and let them help you get through this. And remember, you have your "cyber family" too. Please let us help in any way we can. Vent here often if you feel like it. We'll be here for you.
I'm so sorry... Sending lots of hugs... WFEN
I had to read this twice - At first I couldn't believe what I was reading - I'm at a loss for words. My first reaction is anger - How can he be so self-centered? How can he just walk away from his responsibilities? How can he just walk away from you, from the tweedles?
You are a very strong woman. I'm very glad you won't let him abuse you or kt emotionally or verbally. If this is how he is, then, I believe in the long run you're going to be better off without him. First, you need to get through this extremely dark period.
I know that you have a very loving and caring family. They will be here for you in whatever capacity you need them. Lean on them and let them help you get through this. And remember, you have your "cyber family" too. Please let us help in any way we can. Vent here often if you feel like it. We'll be here for you.
I'm so sorry... Sending lots of hugs... WFEN
Aww Linda,
I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. Reading this makes me sad and angry at the same time. I wish I lived closer so I could help out in some way. There hasn't been a day where you and your family hasn't been in my prayers. I will continue to pray. I'm sorry your h is being this way (I won't say what I want to say because the board would censor it).
I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. Reading this makes me sad and angry at the same time. I wish I lived closer so I could help out in some way. There hasn't been a day where you and your family hasn't been in my prayers. I will continue to pray. I'm sorry your h is being this way (I won't say what I want to say because the board would censor it).
Fran
Former desparate mom
Linda, I am so sad to hear that now your marriage is sort of spiraling. Seems like it's been one hit after another for the two of you.
I'm sure we don't know the ups and downs and it seems the stress has pretty much tipped husband's canoe or something.
At one time, walking in your shoes seemed to be an impossible task from my seat. Now trying to imagine of walking in husband's shoes seems like an impossible task.
He has been a trooper with your illness and the kids and being a support while your sweet mom was ill. Maybe he needs a weekend away to recharge his battery.
Just thinking out loud why a husband who has been your rock has decided seemingly overnight to think about leaving.
Marriage is a bizarre dance that is specific to each couple so no suggestion we would make will be a good fit for you and husband.
I hope that you both get the help you need to make a marriage work. : (
I'm sure we don't know the ups and downs and it seems the stress has pretty much tipped husband's canoe or something.
At one time, walking in your shoes seemed to be an impossible task from my seat. Now trying to imagine of walking in husband's shoes seems like an impossible task.
He has been a trooper with your illness and the kids and being a support while your sweet mom was ill. Maybe he needs a weekend away to recharge his battery.
Just thinking out loud why a husband who has been your rock has decided seemingly overnight to think about leaving.
Marriage is a bizarre dance that is specific to each couple so no suggestion we would make will be a good fit for you and husband.
I hope that you both get the help you need to make a marriage work. : (
F
flutterbee
Guest
Linda,
Just ((((hugs)))).
Just ((((hugs)))).
everywoman
Well-Known Member
Hugs, I am so sorry.
dreamer
New Member
Linda, I am so very sorry.
I am wondering if maybe your husband is doing what he feels he has to do for himself.
So many of us parents have had to outplace our children becuz we cannot handle the heavy every day demands of raising a difficult child....and sometimes we have respite, becuz the demands can be so hard to cope with 24-7. Haveing a disabled spouse can be as demanding or even more so than haveing a difficult child, becuz we expect and assume our partner will be there beside us, working hard, holding down the fort.
Your husband has a diagnosis of bipolar, and as such, and with his drinking issues, it likely means he is more frail than some people. I know you wondered if he had stopped taking medications, or if he had begun drinking again, BUT....truth is things may be just SO difficult for him with the kids and your illness, that he truly may not be able to cope with it all. He may truly be incapable. It may be beyond his control.
I know kt did just recently have something occur at school. BUT overall, it had sounded like kt was doing pretty good at home, and you do still have crisis team, right? and wm is safe in his placement. Will husband be continuing to go visit wm? will he be visiting kt?
Another possibility is, maybe husband feels like he is not haveing an opportunity to be a full time parent....with wm at his placement, and kt with her respite and PCAs and everything. husband may feel like there is little need for him to be present 24-7 becuz professionals are in place?
I can tell you that when my husband became so ill, and I had to go back to work AND take care of him AND the kids, and I had no family, and I had the worst in home help ever- I truly resented it, hated it, blamed husband for being ill.....and got myself back to college so I could leave. Alas, before I could leave, I became so ill....Life here was just pure unbelieveable. I often think the only reason my husband did not leave me when I was sick was becuz he could not could not take care of himself.
While I was sick, something occured to me. No matter what my husband had going on himself....our kids still needed someone, and even tho I was physically unable to do anything.I was able to BE here. Gradually I let go of most of my resentment at my husband for things- becuz he was sick.......just like I was sick. My husband did not choose to be mentally ill. I did not choose to be a quadriplegic. When I went back to work to support the 5 of us (and both DHs invalid parents)- it was NOT me supporting husband it was me taking care of my family, the people I love, and doing so in the name of love and family. Maybe if you look at things a little differently, maybe it will help.
So often we tell each other here that we have to do things for ourself. Do what we need to take care of us. For our own sanity. For our own health. Maybe your husband needs to do this for similar reasons. If he is being abusive in any way towards you and kt, then maybe if he puts distance between you all, maybe, possibly, he might be able to be a better parent at least?
Maybe he is thinking the grass looks greener on the other side, maybe he needs to spend some time where he THINKS the grass looks greener. Maybe he might find out it is not so green over there after all?
Hanging on to anger, hurt and blame at him is going to take away from your own internal resources, resources you are going to need now more than ever.
Does kt still have PCA and Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker and respite? Is wm still secure in his placement? Do you have in home PT and homemaker etc?
A little secret I found? My kids actually began to grow MORE after I got sick -we had no help by the time I got sick, and I did not get help while I was sick....now, be sure, my home slowly slipped into a pigpen style of housekeeping, not much I could do about it.....BUT......my kids learned a LOT and so did I. They learned some about cooking and cleaning, but more important, (at least to me) they learned about unconditional love, and what a person thinks they need vs what a person REALLY neeeds to live on (becuz I was sole financial support) and they learned how to show love to each other and to me like um....they would comb MY hair....brush my teeth........they learned to compromise with each other over what was for dinner.....or when dinner would be.....and they learned how to work togther to accomplish those things.
I am sure kt will rise up to meet the new challenges. Kids usually do. Yes, even difficult child kids do.
I am so sorry your husband is feeling like this is what is best for him. I am glad you have all the things in place hat you do have in place.
I am wondering if maybe your husband is doing what he feels he has to do for himself.
So many of us parents have had to outplace our children becuz we cannot handle the heavy every day demands of raising a difficult child....and sometimes we have respite, becuz the demands can be so hard to cope with 24-7. Haveing a disabled spouse can be as demanding or even more so than haveing a difficult child, becuz we expect and assume our partner will be there beside us, working hard, holding down the fort.
Your husband has a diagnosis of bipolar, and as such, and with his drinking issues, it likely means he is more frail than some people. I know you wondered if he had stopped taking medications, or if he had begun drinking again, BUT....truth is things may be just SO difficult for him with the kids and your illness, that he truly may not be able to cope with it all. He may truly be incapable. It may be beyond his control.
I know kt did just recently have something occur at school. BUT overall, it had sounded like kt was doing pretty good at home, and you do still have crisis team, right? and wm is safe in his placement. Will husband be continuing to go visit wm? will he be visiting kt?
Another possibility is, maybe husband feels like he is not haveing an opportunity to be a full time parent....with wm at his placement, and kt with her respite and PCAs and everything. husband may feel like there is little need for him to be present 24-7 becuz professionals are in place?
I can tell you that when my husband became so ill, and I had to go back to work AND take care of him AND the kids, and I had no family, and I had the worst in home help ever- I truly resented it, hated it, blamed husband for being ill.....and got myself back to college so I could leave. Alas, before I could leave, I became so ill....Life here was just pure unbelieveable. I often think the only reason my husband did not leave me when I was sick was becuz he could not could not take care of himself.
While I was sick, something occured to me. No matter what my husband had going on himself....our kids still needed someone, and even tho I was physically unable to do anything.I was able to BE here. Gradually I let go of most of my resentment at my husband for things- becuz he was sick.......just like I was sick. My husband did not choose to be mentally ill. I did not choose to be a quadriplegic. When I went back to work to support the 5 of us (and both DHs invalid parents)- it was NOT me supporting husband it was me taking care of my family, the people I love, and doing so in the name of love and family. Maybe if you look at things a little differently, maybe it will help.
So often we tell each other here that we have to do things for ourself. Do what we need to take care of us. For our own sanity. For our own health. Maybe your husband needs to do this for similar reasons. If he is being abusive in any way towards you and kt, then maybe if he puts distance between you all, maybe, possibly, he might be able to be a better parent at least?
Maybe he is thinking the grass looks greener on the other side, maybe he needs to spend some time where he THINKS the grass looks greener. Maybe he might find out it is not so green over there after all?
Hanging on to anger, hurt and blame at him is going to take away from your own internal resources, resources you are going to need now more than ever.
Does kt still have PCA and Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker and respite? Is wm still secure in his placement? Do you have in home PT and homemaker etc?
A little secret I found? My kids actually began to grow MORE after I got sick -we had no help by the time I got sick, and I did not get help while I was sick....now, be sure, my home slowly slipped into a pigpen style of housekeeping, not much I could do about it.....BUT......my kids learned a LOT and so did I. They learned some about cooking and cleaning, but more important, (at least to me) they learned about unconditional love, and what a person thinks they need vs what a person REALLY neeeds to live on (becuz I was sole financial support) and they learned how to show love to each other and to me like um....they would comb MY hair....brush my teeth........they learned to compromise with each other over what was for dinner.....or when dinner would be.....and they learned how to work togther to accomplish those things.
I am sure kt will rise up to meet the new challenges. Kids usually do. Yes, even difficult child kids do.
I am so sorry your husband is feeling like this is what is best for him. I am glad you have all the things in place hat you do have in place.
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
Linda,
I've been thinking about you and the tweedles alot today. How are you doing this evening?
Sending lots of caring thoughts your way... Hugs.... WFEN
I've been thinking about you and the tweedles alot today. How are you doing this evening?
Sending lots of caring thoughts your way... Hugs.... WFEN
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
Oh, Linda........I'm so sorry husband has chosen to be so selfish and self centered. I know he's had alot on his plate of late, but I'm finding it hard to feel any empathy for him. That he would walk out when you all need him the most.......well, I don't care what anyone says about movies being different from reality....it's just as low as you can get. Life doesn't always give us what we want or work out the way we think it should. He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and open his eyes.
And for him to say he's just a wallet.......I'm afraid I'd have found the strength to throw anything within reach at him. Disgusting that he could even think such a thing after all you two have been thru together.
I'm so very sorry you have to go thru this mess along with everything else. You're in my prayers my friend. Many many gentle ((((hugs))))
And for him to say he's just a wallet.......I'm afraid I'd have found the strength to throw anything within reach at him. Disgusting that he could even think such a thing after all you two have been thru together.
I'm so very sorry you have to go thru this mess along with everything else. You're in my prayers my friend. Many many gentle ((((hugs))))
goldenguru
Active Member
I'm really sorry Linda.
So much stress on your family. So much stress on individual family members.
Praying God's peace for your hurting heart.
Hugs.
So much stress on your family. So much stress on individual family members.
Praying God's peace for your hurting heart.
Hugs.
Marguerite
Active Member
Linda, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there, be strong - we already know just how strong you are.
As for your husband, I have two thoughts for him:
1) You can't run away from yourself;
and
2) If he's "just a wallet" then why increase the family's financial burden by doubling the accommodation costs and paying for a second abode, just for him? How is that saving money in any way?
Sounds to me like he is totally in denial about everything you're going through and also what he himself is having to deal with - if he's only recently been told about his bipolar, then maybe he's just trying to get away from it so he can go back to how everything was in his life before.
I'd be calling his therapist and even if therapist can't talk to you about anything husband has told him, then at least therapist can LISTEN to you as you report what has happened subsequently.
As for your long drive - make an adventure out of it for kt. Plan in plenty of rest breaks and take your time. Bring plenty of things for kt to do quietly for the times when you pull over and catnap on the side of the road. I also use the iPod a lot for music, if I have to pull over to rest I put on some quiet instrumental classical music. It drowns out the traffic noise outside and also helps keep difficult child 3 calm.
Stay safe. Stay strong. Don't try to change things you can't. Your life is tricky enough, just trying to manage the things you can.
Marg
As for your husband, I have two thoughts for him:
1) You can't run away from yourself;
and
2) If he's "just a wallet" then why increase the family's financial burden by doubling the accommodation costs and paying for a second abode, just for him? How is that saving money in any way?
Sounds to me like he is totally in denial about everything you're going through and also what he himself is having to deal with - if he's only recently been told about his bipolar, then maybe he's just trying to get away from it so he can go back to how everything was in his life before.
I'd be calling his therapist and even if therapist can't talk to you about anything husband has told him, then at least therapist can LISTEN to you as you report what has happened subsequently.
As for your long drive - make an adventure out of it for kt. Plan in plenty of rest breaks and take your time. Bring plenty of things for kt to do quietly for the times when you pull over and catnap on the side of the road. I also use the iPod a lot for music, if I have to pull over to rest I put on some quiet instrumental classical music. It drowns out the traffic noise outside and also helps keep difficult child 3 calm.
Stay safe. Stay strong. Don't try to change things you can't. Your life is tricky enough, just trying to manage the things you can.
Marg
Marcie Mac
Just Plain Ole Tired
Sooo sorry Linda.
Marcie
Marcie
pepperidge
New Member
Linda,
sending you hugs here from the West Coast. You have been such an inspiration to me. I hope you have a wonderful support system there for you--hard to imagine anyone who deserves it more.
hang in there. I imagine the next few days will be especially rough.
P.
sending you hugs here from the West Coast. You have been such an inspiration to me. I hope you have a wonderful support system there for you--hard to imagine anyone who deserves it more.
hang in there. I imagine the next few days will be especially rough.
P.
LittleDudesMom
Well-Known Member
Linda,
Hugs, hugs and more hugs. I'm so sorry to hear this. But, the writing was kinda on the wall a few months ago wasn't it? He wanted to tune out then, but something prevented him from following through.
Has he physically left yet? This really leaves you in a tough position. I wish I were geographically closer.
Do you believe this is a reaction or do you believe this is a decision?
Sharon
Hugs, hugs and more hugs. I'm so sorry to hear this. But, the writing was kinda on the wall a few months ago wasn't it? He wanted to tune out then, but something prevented him from following through.
Has he physically left yet? This really leaves you in a tough position. I wish I were geographically closer.
Do you believe this is a reaction or do you believe this is a decision?
Sharon
timer lady
Queen of Hearts
Sharon,
husband isn't sharing; however I do believe it's a decision. His note to me was that he wasn't leaving me; just kt & her behaviors & the way I taught her.
It's beyond me ~ I'm on my last nerve. My health is iffy which puts kt in a precarious position if I become too ill. My family have already planned on how I can move closer to home ~ support system. The challenging part will be to get the services moved for kt & keep in contact with wm, etc, etc, etc.
I expect we will be having major discussions over the Thanksgiving weekend. Dad, for one, tells me that he has a big old house that kt & I can move into & he will be there to help if my health continues to go the way it has been.
Either way, husband has been verbally abusive toward kt & myself & a very angry man for a few months. I'm not doing this again. People are in line to help him & he's refusing. Past the point of caring if he's manic or not taking his medications. That's exactly what I'm trying to teach the tweedles.
Thanks lady, for asking. And thank you all for your support & prayers. As always, I will come out the other end, if not stronger, with a bit more cynical sense of humor.
husband isn't sharing; however I do believe it's a decision. His note to me was that he wasn't leaving me; just kt & her behaviors & the way I taught her.
It's beyond me ~ I'm on my last nerve. My health is iffy which puts kt in a precarious position if I become too ill. My family have already planned on how I can move closer to home ~ support system. The challenging part will be to get the services moved for kt & keep in contact with wm, etc, etc, etc.
I expect we will be having major discussions over the Thanksgiving weekend. Dad, for one, tells me that he has a big old house that kt & I can move into & he will be there to help if my health continues to go the way it has been.
Either way, husband has been verbally abusive toward kt & myself & a very angry man for a few months. I'm not doing this again. People are in line to help him & he's refusing. Past the point of caring if he's manic or not taking his medications. That's exactly what I'm trying to teach the tweedles.
Thanks lady, for asking. And thank you all for your support & prayers. As always, I will come out the other end, if not stronger, with a bit more cynical sense of humor.
I truly admire your spirit in this situation. Your family sounds wonderful. I will keep praying and sending mojo your way so that whatever you decide just falls into place.
I think the "I am not leaving you, just our child and the way YOU teach her" stuff is carp. It is a total cop-out.
PLEASE make sure YOU have an EXCELLENT lawyer, and consult him ASAP. Even a phone call before the holiday would be a good idea. With the BiPolar (BP) you don't know if he will decide to empty the bank accounts, or do other things that would hurt you and kt. Protect your interests and the kids'.
I am so sorry he has been verbally abusive. NO ONE deserves that. I hate to see this, but am not totally surprised after his "walkout" a few months ago. I wish he would accept that he needs help and take all the help that is offered.
I think the "I am not leaving you, just our child and the way YOU teach her" stuff is carp. It is a total cop-out.
PLEASE make sure YOU have an EXCELLENT lawyer, and consult him ASAP. Even a phone call before the holiday would be a good idea. With the BiPolar (BP) you don't know if he will decide to empty the bank accounts, or do other things that would hurt you and kt. Protect your interests and the kids'.
I am so sorry he has been verbally abusive. NO ONE deserves that. I hate to see this, but am not totally surprised after his "walkout" a few months ago. I wish he would accept that he needs help and take all the help that is offered.
Stella Johnson
Active Member
I'm so sorry, Linda. This isn't what either you or Kt needed. Most men don't seem to do well with long term illness of a partner or child very well.
My SO has just recently come around on this issue with everything that's happened since my hand accident.
Sending (((hugs)))
Steph
My SO has just recently come around on this issue with everything that's happened since my hand accident.
Sending (((hugs)))
Steph
crazymama30
Active Member
Linda, I am sorry you, KT are going thru this. There is so much that I want to say, but I am just not sure how to write it. Take care of yourself and your children, even if that means moving. Make sure you have a good support base.
