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What the HECK is wrong with me...
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 444082"><p>I think learning not to enable is a process. so think of this as one more step in your process of learning not to enable him. I don't think any of us learn this right off the bat, and even when we have learned it we all get our heartstrings pulled big time and our mother bear instincts to help our children are so strong....So think about what boundaries feel good to you and what doesn't. Think about those things you are willing to do for him and those that you are not. If it feels right to you to do it probably is, if you are feeling manipulated or there is some voice saying "wait a minute" then don't do it..... and there will be times like this when you don't think twice until it is pointed out to you the problem with it.I think it is a hard balance to find the place where you are willing to do some things and not others. It is probably easiest in some ways to refuse to do anything for them, but I know for me that feels too harsh, too rejecting, and I know my son needs to know if nothing else his mom still loves him.So my current stand is to help him when he is helping himself and not help in ways that will enable his bad behavior. So I would take him out to eat, or buy food, we may help him pay rent if he ever gets a place, we will help pay for school. I will pick him up from work now and then because then it gives me a chance to see him in person and I personally find that helpful to me. We took him to buy a bicycle. We will not buy him a car, we will not pay for car insurance or put him on our insurance, we will not give him cash period. I probably would not buy him cigarettes but I did stop for him to buy himself some the other day on the way somewhere. Its a balance and you need to figure out over time and experience what you will and not do for him. There is nothing wrong with you doing things for him as long as you are really clear that it feels good to you and is not helping him use drugs or do other bad behaviors.I have been thinking about how my difficult child is like driving a car... think I will put that in a different post.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 444082"] I think learning not to enable is a process. so think of this as one more step in your process of learning not to enable him. I don't think any of us learn this right off the bat, and even when we have learned it we all get our heartstrings pulled big time and our mother bear instincts to help our children are so strong....So think about what boundaries feel good to you and what doesn't. Think about those things you are willing to do for him and those that you are not. If it feels right to you to do it probably is, if you are feeling manipulated or there is some voice saying "wait a minute" then don't do it..... and there will be times like this when you don't think twice until it is pointed out to you the problem with it.I think it is a hard balance to find the place where you are willing to do some things and not others. It is probably easiest in some ways to refuse to do anything for them, but I know for me that feels too harsh, too rejecting, and I know my son needs to know if nothing else his mom still loves him.So my current stand is to help him when he is helping himself and not help in ways that will enable his bad behavior. So I would take him out to eat, or buy food, we may help him pay rent if he ever gets a place, we will help pay for school. I will pick him up from work now and then because then it gives me a chance to see him in person and I personally find that helpful to me. We took him to buy a bicycle. We will not buy him a car, we will not pay for car insurance or put him on our insurance, we will not give him cash period. I probably would not buy him cigarettes but I did stop for him to buy himself some the other day on the way somewhere. Its a balance and you need to figure out over time and experience what you will and not do for him. There is nothing wrong with you doing things for him as long as you are really clear that it feels good to you and is not helping him use drugs or do other bad behaviors.I have been thinking about how my difficult child is like driving a car... think I will put that in a different post. [/QUOTE]
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What the HECK is wrong with me...
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