What to do now?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by thedad, Jun 4, 2007.

  1. thedad

    thedad New Member

    My daughter is 21. She is married and her husband is finishing a prison term for selling meth. While I didn't like him when they married he actually seems to have turned things around. He is in a halfway house, working and seems committed to staying clean. My daughter however is still using. She got arrested for possesion and was sentenced to probation. On leaving court she was drug tested came up positive, so was placed in jail without bail pending a new trial 6/21. She has no job and no savings. Her husband was helping her with rent on an apartment. He is slated to be paroled in 50 days but was told he can have no contact with her until he is off parole in December. The bottom line is he needs to take care of himself now and can't pay her rent too. It looks like the landlord will likey dispose of all their possesions for nonpayment of rent. While I could intervene and pay the rent I don't feel I should. I think it would just be enabling. The question is where does she go when she is released. She will basically have nothing but the clothes on her back and a car. She has no money. I think she needs to start with a drug treatment program. I don't know if she would be willing, but even if she was it may take several days to arrange and find an open bed. Taking her into our home is not an option. She has stolen from us in the past. We do not trust her and have no idea with whom she associates with. While I could pay for a motel room or a short term lease somewhere I think she needs more. Basically what I would like to offer her is an opportunity to turn things around if she will stay off drugs and start being honest
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi there.

    Boy cant these kids just get themselves into some messes!

    Sounds like hubby is showing some signs of attempting to get with the program. That is good. Best thing for him would be for your daughter to go into a treatment center and get her life turned around too.

    Do you think your daughter would be agreeable to getting treatment? What is she on trial for on the 21st? Any chance she could get an active sentence? I know its awful to wish for an active sentence but I have to admit to actually doing just that in my own sons case. Maybe you could intervene with the DA and have a "word of prayer" and ask for drug rehab for her as a sentence if you live in a small enough community.

    I can fully understand not letting her live with you. We have finally got my son out of my house and he wont be allowed back in for the very same reasons. As awful as it is to say, I cant stand having a thief for a kid. Even now when he comes to visit I have to frisk him before he leaves.

    I feel for you. Sadly...I feel for all of us.
  3. RobinLaurain

    RobinLaurain New Member

    The son-in-law seems to be doing ok--give him a loan so he can keep the things? I would ask that your DTR have to get substance abuse
    treatment as part of her release. I think helping the son-in-law would not be enabling as long as he is clean.
  4. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I wrote a long answer but my browser stuck and I lost it.

    short version:
    get too some AA or NA (narcotics anon) mtgs so you can know how to not enable.

    read these two books (get them free at the library today)
    boundaries by townsend and cloud

    codependent no more by melody beattie

    do nothing for your daughter that she can do for herself. be there for them both when they are doing the right thing. otherwise pray for them and let them seek out some solutions for themselves.

    do not pay rent as long as she is using. let her possessions go they can be replaced. been there done that 4 times with my son.

    sorry your life is so hard, I can relate! my son is out of jail 9 months now. still drinking even on probation, but working.
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think letting her know she can't come home is the most important step to push her into trying to figure out another option. She should get herself into a treatment program and into a soberhouse. My 20 year old son went from rehab to a soberhouse, knowing the option of ever living home again is not an option. He has lived there 7 months now and has been clean 8.

    This isn't an easy road. Sounds like her husband is on the right track. Hopefully he will continue and she will get the help she needs. If she could get into a soberhouse until he's off parole, maybe the two of them can figure out how to work things out.
  6. Scent of Cedar I

    Scent of Cedar I New Member

    The advice you have received is good advice.

    As one of us posted, this is not going to be an easy road for you.

    There is nothing you can do that will make a difference. Your daughter chose to do as she did, and these are the consequences of her choices. Unless she is required to deal with the consequences of her choices, she will not be motivated to change.

    She cannot come home.

    What she does with her belongings is up to her.

    Are there grandchildren involved?

    If there are no grandchildren yet, thank your lucky stars ~ trust me, it is worse when there are innocent babies involved.

    At the bottom of my posts is a detachment site. It was very helpful to me when I began the process of figuring out how to live with myself and behave the way I needed to with my son.

    It took me such a long time.

    If you are not ready to tell your child you will not help her until she is doing the right and healthy thing, then resolve to do as little as possible for her.

    Nothing at all would be best.

    Is a treatment option available to her?

    Homeless shelters in your area you could direct her to?

    I am so sorry this is happening to you, and to your famiy.

    Keep posting about what is happening and how you feel and what you have decided to do.

    We have all been right where you are.

    You can do this, and come through in one piece.

    But it's hard.

    It makes such a difference to have other parents who have gone through it to hear you as you struggle to know the right thing to do.

    I am glad you found us.

  7. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    I would post this in the Teens and Substance Abuse forum too. There are members there who (sadly) have much more experience with drug abuse than I do.

    Good luck! Sorry you needed to find us.