what to do???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Jul 16, 2013.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    In Feb, difficult child had a "boyfriend" from school. Long story short - he was a major difficult child too and managed to get kicked out of the rest of the school year. He broke up with difficult child because someone said... that someone said... blah blah blah. I thought it was too good to be true!! Now difficult child and BFGFG are "friends" again. Well, mainly difficult child is calling and pursueing him. She calls when she thinks I am not around or too occupied to notice. If I walk in the room, she will all of a sudden say "Hi Grandma!" kind of a way to let him know she can't talk right now.

    Today I was in my room reading a book, and I heard easy child and difficult child have an exchange of words... so I got to the kitchen without difficult child knowing I was there. She was still on phone with BFgfg and didn't know I could over hear her. Also, little sis was aware of the conversation and told me that difficult child and BFgfg were planning on meeting at another guys house for sex tomorrow. I went back thru the phone history and got his number. Should I call? I tried to call difficult child's bluff by letting her know that I had over heard some of her conversations and was worried. We just started her on the pill two days ago. I told her that just because we started the pill does not mean that it is effective at this point. Plus, she is 15, not legal age and her bfgfg is almost 18.

    She denies everything. She is such a liar. From what I overheard I know that is what they were talking about. Without getting easy child is big trouble with difficult child for overhearing things... I am not sure how to confront this. Should I call this teenage punk and tell him who I am and what I know? KSM
     
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I totally hate facing that type of decision making. Of course, I've been there done that. My advice??? Think through your options and also the possible results and then....go with you heart and your head. The best I can do is cross my fingers for you and send supportive thoughts your way. Yeah, I know you are hoping for fellow Mom advice. I've had my choices go differently than I hoped so no answers. Hugs DDD
     
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    ksm--

    What I have done is simply made other plans for difficult child.

    IOW - she is planning on meeting her boyfriend tomorrow for sex. Seems to me its time to have her hair done, or her teeth looked at, or back to school shopping, or time to visit grandma.... And then there's no confrontation (she'd only lie anyway), just a difficult child pretending really hard that she's not upset.
     
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    you can bet difficult child will not be out of my sight tomorrow! But I can't be ever present all the time. We just started the pill two days ago... as the doctor thought it would help her acne and PMSing. I came right out and told her that taking two pills does not mean the bc pills are working. She keeps saying she isn't interested in having sex... blah blah blah and all the time she is planning to sneak around to see him tomorrow. I can't stand this lying. KSM
     
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, make lots and lot of plans for her!
    I'm so sorry. This is nervewracking.
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Tomorrows strategy... when I picked her and a couple of friends up from the pool this afternoon I told her we made hair appointments with our hairdresser who is in another town. She informs me she doesn't want her hair trimmed, I said fine, you can come and sit while mine and her sisters get done. This will give her time to let bfgfg know whe won't be around tomorrow afternoon. Then tomorrow, I will tell her the hair dresser called back and postponed it til Friday.

    I am just so mad... And I found out some more incriminating evidence... two weeks ago she and sleepover friend and little sis snuck out of the house and we got called at almost 3am to come pick them up. difficult child actually called and told us the police wanted us to come pick them up. But, today I found she first called the woman down the street that she has baby sat for, but she didn't answer the phone in the middle of the night, so difficult child had to call us. I guess she thought the neighbor lady would tell the cops that she was the parent, bring them home and let them sneak in. I feel like I can't trust her with anything.

    KSM
     
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    She may be sneaky but she isn't smart... how would a single mom with three kids be able to rush down and pick them up in the middle of the night??? And one is disabled and in a wheelchair! KSM
     
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Sorry no advice, my kids are still to little for that, just lots of sympathy.
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are probably going to hate me but she is at the age where this isnt going to be something you will face just this one time. Her hormones are ticking and the genie is probably already out of the bottle. If I were you I would have a one on one sit down with her and really talk about the birds and the bees. Its time to talk about everything now.

    No one wants to think of this part of life starting with our kids but it is pretty much a given. I would make sure she understands about STD's and how the pill wont stop them. I would go as far as giving her condom's to carry in her purse. Better safe than sorry. Make sure she understands the emotional aspects for both her and the boy and also make sure that she understands that any boy who says he will only know she loves him if she puts out is not worth her time. You know the right words.

    *Its hard to tell a 15 year old this and she will be embarrassed but it needs to be done because you cant keep her glued to you forever.
     
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I agree with what you wrote. And I have had those talks with her. She just isn't socially and emotionally as mature as most girls her age would be. Even her best friends and little sis have told her that this guy is a creep but she doesn't see it. She is legally under the age of consent in our state and I have told her that too.

    I guess it wouldn't be so awful if it was a "real" boyfriend instead of a jerk who just calls her and tries to get her to come over and asks her if she still has a V-card (her virginity). It is just a quest for this punk and I know he has no true feelings for her. We have her on the pill as I know she has no impulse control. I don't want her first time to be with someone whose only feeling for his own sexual satisfaction. She will be devastated once he moves on to the next girl. KSM
     
  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    It is sad she doesn't seem to have enough faith on herself and her worthiness to demand more respect. I think most of us did know girls like that when growing up and many of those did have very hard times to find a feeling of self-worthiness even as adults. And sadly there are lots of adults too, who don't feel they can demand basic respect from people in their life.

    Only having boys I haven't had this specific problem a lot, but there has been a lot of same dynamics with my difficult child and his friends, and I suspect also with his ex-girlfriend. As jerky as he may behave, he really don't know how to stand his ground and demand others to treat him with respect. So either he let's himself be used or overreacts. Only last winter he first time told "no" to some of his 'friends' when they were clearly trying to take advantage of him, and that took a lot of coaching from his sport psychiatric.
     
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I spent a lifetime trying to save GFGmom from GFGmom. She "fell in love" at fifteen. I "thought" I had it under control until I found out that his Mother thought it was fine for the two of them to spend time alone in his room. Ugh! Her second was twenty and she was sixteen. I called his home when she was at school and explain that my Secretary was the wife of the Police Chief in town. He was an adult. My child was a child. I would not hesitate to press charges. He left her alone. I'm sorry you are in the midst of this hormonal period and coping with a pretty little liar. Yuk! DDD
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can completely understand where you are coming from...believe me. From personal experience. Thankfully my first was a true boyfriend but I was only 14 and he was 19. I have no clue what my mother was thinking allowing that relationship.

    I managed to keep girls out of my house until they were grown but let me tell you it wasnt always easy. We had one little 14 year old runaway in our yard who kept trying to get my youngest to go out in the woods with her. He was 15. We had to literally hold him back because it was like having a female dog in heat in the yard. Youngest would try to run from door to door to get out but we would be there to block him. We even had his brothers dragging him away from windows as he tried to climb out. Looking back its funny, then not so much. I finally called the cops and told them this runaway was here and to come get her.

    It is so hard when you cant make them see what boys are out for at this age. As you know I have a granddaughter who we are extremely worried about with this sort of thing. Not much to do in rural places but get in trouble. We have been talking to her since she could understand that she was way more important than some old boy. We keep telling her that her butt belongs to us until she finishes college...lol. She worries me because she already perks up whenever she hears that little boys are going to be around. Its like...boys? Let me fix my hair! She has been this way since she was 4!!!!
     
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I was mostly easy child, but I was one of those girls who thought so little of myself that I based my self-worth on how "sexy" I was and if a guy would sleep with me because if he did obviously he loved me. Yeah, that was not a good thing. I was very lucky in that I was smart enough to use condoms most of the time. I managed to avoid STDs entirely. But... I should've caught something!

    I tried to explain this to Onyxx, too... But... She was taught to use sex to get what she wanted. It's really sad. And shortly after I joined this board... I posted about catching her and her then-boyfriend in her room, light on, door open, less than 20 feet from her 10-y/o brother and the two younger neighbor kids. I could've wrung her neck. When I went to the garage to smoke - they were in the living room with the kids. 10 minutes later I was about to kill a couple of teens...

    If you've talked to her... Make sure she has condoms... And knows you love her... And that is about all you can do. If mostly-easy child-me could find a way...
     
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Step, I was also one of those who thought that sex equals love. That took me years and years to unlearn. I actually prided myself for a long time that I never had sex with anyone who hadnt told me they loved me. I thought that meant I was doing things the right way. Oh how stupid I was!

    That is one of the lessons I tried to drill into my boys heads from the time they were just pre-teen and old enough to understand that they would start to like girls. I begged them to never use that old tired line..."well if you loved me like I love you, you would do xyz." I would rather they tell the truth. Be enough of a man to state their intentions. If all they wanted was a romp in the sack, then say so. Dont lead a girl on. I think I got through to them because I never saw any signs of heartbreak from girls.
     
  16. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Well, I can't say the problem is resolved but we have had a few blunt talks this past week. I think she may have a glimmer of insight... but don't know if it will keep her from making poor choices. I asked her if she really wanted to be the booty call girl who took off on her bike just because the guy she liked was horny. Tried to explain that I would hope she could wait for a special guy... one that proved he wanted to be in a real relationship and not someone on FB that messages her and "says the right things". Guys can and will say anything. That some day, she will meet someone who is interested in her and not just sex and will show it by having a real relationship over a period of time. Still have her on the pill... not even a full week yet. I had to reiterate that just taking it for two days provides no protection what so ever. Yep... it took two days on the pill and she was ready to ride her bike across town to hook up. Hopefully we have put the breaks on for a while. KSM
     
  17. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Ugh - what a cruddy situation! Good for you for having frank talks with her. I'd be sorely tempted to have her bike suddenly come up with a broken chain or something...
     
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I managed to survive the four girls, sigh, but obviously GFGmom didn't "get it". Reading this thread I just had a "light bulb" moment. It never dawned on me before but (yes it sounds bizarre) I wonder if it would be helpful after talking about self pride and condoms and STD's if it would have an impact trying this. First Mother/Daughter discussion followed by a short discussion about "time comparisons". You'd have to block out a few hours of togetherness. Compare how long sexual encounters last on average with how long it takes sperm to travel and connect to make a baby. THEN make popcorn, grab a drink and watch on TV or DVD how the body changes from skinny sweet young thing into a prebirth overweight person who walks like a duck. Top it off with at least one hour of the birthing process including sound effects.

    Don't bother to explain that once the kid is born her life is changed forever. Maybe the comparison of a quick "oh, yeah" moment with hours of screaming "this hurts" might have an impact. Maybe not. DDD
     
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im glad she seems to have an open mind. Or at least the wax is slowly leaving her ears so she can hear you...lol.

    It is so easy to get that reputation of being easy. I had that reputation when I entered high school and it was totally unfounded but people thought that because my boyfriend was out of school, I must be easy. In reality I dated him for about 18 months and it took us over 4 months to decide to do the deed. He was also a virgin and for months we just kissed and held hands and flipped quarters to decide when we thought it would be the right time....lol. You brought up that memory. I can remember sitting in my bedroom with him on the floor flipping quarters the last month before we did it. LOL
     
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