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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 627034" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Is talking to him making YOU feel better? </p><p></p><p>Blackgnat, your son is in jail, he is getting medications, unless you want to call the mental health liaison in jail and try to have him get more help, I think all you can do is limit your exposure to him. </p><p></p><p>In another thread recently we were talking about how most of us have to severely limit our time with our difficult child's. They want to pull us into their dramas on a fairly continuing basis, for whatever reason, however, you don't have to go down that rabbit hole each and every time. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps you might limit your talking to him to once a week. Tell him that. Then limit the phone call to 5 or 10 minutes whatever YOUR limit is. If he starts in that circular talking, say, there is nothing I can do to help you with that and I need to get off the phone now. </p><p></p><p>I believe, and this is my own experience, not a truth of any kind, that our kids make these choices, get in trouble and then want to lament to someone over and over again about their issues. My daughter does this too. I can't listen to it. I won't. I have set such stringent boundaries around her behavior that realistically there is not much of a connection left. I find her behavior to be toxic to me. I know that sounds so harsh, but it is the truth, for me.</p><p></p><p>My daughter is also in jail. I have not spoken to her for almost 3 weeks. I don't want to either. It is always the same, I am simply the empty space into which she throws all her words and emotions, we don't have conversations, we have chatter about her life and I listen. I have gotten to a point where I don't want to put myself in that position very much, there is no energy exchange as there is in "normal" interactions, give and take, talking and listening, asking questions, interest, a sense of being seen and heard. I am an invisible entity neither seen or heard, simply a means to some end I know nothing about. </p><p></p><p>I did it for a long time and now I don't. For me, this works a lot better. I found that with each interaction, it would take me awhile to return to my normal reality. I'm just not willing to do it anymore. Life is short, so much of my time has already been offered on the mantle of parenting a difficult child.........I have simply become unwilling to offer any more time. Each interaction invades my life in negative ways.</p><p></p><p>Talking to you gives him something, but what does it do for you? </p><p></p><p>He is not 8 years old, he is a grown man who has made mistakes and now he is paying the consequence. There is nothing you have to do, nothing you should do. Decide what it is YOU want and then do it. Decide what it is you want to say and then say it. You are not hardened. You are allowing his trip to interfere with your life and you feel guilty that you can't help him. Well, you did help him, in every single way possible and this is his fate. Don't allow him to drag you into his world. You can't live there. He can't live in yours. So, limit your exposure to him. For me, that is the only way to find a peaceful and joyful life. And, tell him that. Usually, they have absolutely no clue how they impact us. I told my daughter how she impacts me. I don't know if she heard me or not, but it made me feel a lot better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 627034, member: 13542"] Is talking to him making YOU feel better? Blackgnat, your son is in jail, he is getting medications, unless you want to call the mental health liaison in jail and try to have him get more help, I think all you can do is limit your exposure to him. In another thread recently we were talking about how most of us have to severely limit our time with our difficult child's. They want to pull us into their dramas on a fairly continuing basis, for whatever reason, however, you don't have to go down that rabbit hole each and every time. Perhaps you might limit your talking to him to once a week. Tell him that. Then limit the phone call to 5 or 10 minutes whatever YOUR limit is. If he starts in that circular talking, say, there is nothing I can do to help you with that and I need to get off the phone now. I believe, and this is my own experience, not a truth of any kind, that our kids make these choices, get in trouble and then want to lament to someone over and over again about their issues. My daughter does this too. I can't listen to it. I won't. I have set such stringent boundaries around her behavior that realistically there is not much of a connection left. I find her behavior to be toxic to me. I know that sounds so harsh, but it is the truth, for me. My daughter is also in jail. I have not spoken to her for almost 3 weeks. I don't want to either. It is always the same, I am simply the empty space into which she throws all her words and emotions, we don't have conversations, we have chatter about her life and I listen. I have gotten to a point where I don't want to put myself in that position very much, there is no energy exchange as there is in "normal" interactions, give and take, talking and listening, asking questions, interest, a sense of being seen and heard. I am an invisible entity neither seen or heard, simply a means to some end I know nothing about. I did it for a long time and now I don't. For me, this works a lot better. I found that with each interaction, it would take me awhile to return to my normal reality. I'm just not willing to do it anymore. Life is short, so much of my time has already been offered on the mantle of parenting a difficult child.........I have simply become unwilling to offer any more time. Each interaction invades my life in negative ways. Talking to you gives him something, but what does it do for you? He is not 8 years old, he is a grown man who has made mistakes and now he is paying the consequence. There is nothing you have to do, nothing you should do. Decide what it is YOU want and then do it. Decide what it is you want to say and then say it. You are not hardened. You are allowing his trip to interfere with your life and you feel guilty that you can't help him. Well, you did help him, in every single way possible and this is his fate. Don't allow him to drag you into his world. You can't live there. He can't live in yours. So, limit your exposure to him. For me, that is the only way to find a peaceful and joyful life. And, tell him that. Usually, they have absolutely no clue how they impact us. I told my daughter how she impacts me. I don't know if she heard me or not, but it made me feel a lot better. [/QUOTE]
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