what will happen

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Nov 13, 2007.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I am most concerned now about what will happen to my son in jail. I have not seen him. I wrote him a heart felt letter. I have written the lawyer and tried to call him just to get info. I havent heard back. Sometimes it drives me crazy not to know what is going on - but it is his life andhe is an adult. I guess sometimes I just keep remembering when he was a child. He keeps making decisions that he should know better than. That is when I wonder if he has a mental illness or is it addiction that controls everything. If you stick your hand in fire and get burned why do you do it again and again? I am concerned about them sending him to prison. My husband seems to think that is what will happen. It is a fear I cannot get past for some reason. I have always wanted him to get better not live with people that he cant get better with. But he lived with us - he could have gotten better then and he chose not to. His choice.
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Susan,

    It seems that here is where you get stuck, and here is where you fall.

    You don't know what will happen.
    Your son does not know what will happen.
    I don't know, Barbara does not know, Suz does not know, Meowbunny does not know. Nobody knows.

    Turn it over. It is not in your hands.

    It is not the mental illness that makes your son do the same things over and over and keep getting burned; it is his addiction. Likewise, it is YOUR addiction to HIM that causes you to keep repeating over and over, "OMG, what is going to happen, I am so worried, what am I going to do, should I do this, I don't know if I should do this..."

    You have come LEAPS and BOUNDS and should treat yourself to a massive sundae or something. Don't get discouraged when I gently remind you that God is running the show. Remember the serenity prayer.

    Get to a therapist about that Zoloft. And keep going to Alanon. Progress, not perfection, and you are doing great.

    (((((((hugs)))))))
     
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    BBK said it well. You have no control over what happens at this point. He has no control. It is up to the DA and the judge. The best you can do is let him know you love him, that you'll be there AS MUCH AS YOU CAN (not as much as he wants or even needs). He put himself in this situation, not you.

    Hon, he may well have a mental illness. He may well have no control over many of his actions and is the type of person who will repeat history, but you did what you could to give him the tools to help himself. You offered rehab to him -- he rejected it, not you. There truly is nothing else you can do but leave it in the hands of God.
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hon...even if he has a mental illness, the type of mental illness that he could conceivably suffer from wouldnt be one that could diminish his capacity to know right from wrong so he would still be stuck in the situation he finds himself in today. What is going to happen to him is going happen at this point.

    At least now he can deal with what happens and not have to have it hanging over him forever.
     
  5. Irene_J

    Irene_J New Member

    My heart goes out to you. I'm sure you know that there is really nothing you can do. Actually, with the situation your difficult child finds himself in, there is nothing he can do now but wait. Once when my difficult child situation was really horrible I posted on this board and said my difficult child was throwing her life down the toilet and that my life was following down as well. Many board members wrote me that my life did not have to follow my difficult child's path, and my difficult child was alot younger then than yours is now.

    Please allow yourself to enjoy the gift of living.
     
  6. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks - even from time to time I feel myself being happy! For so long my happiness was dependent on whether my children were happy and successful or not. You are all right and know me very well! A book should be written by all our posts - I wonder what we could name it? I am addicted to my son or his well-being or something. It is as hard for me to stop obsessing about him as it is for him to stop. I have been better. I havent gone to see him and for me I should feel guilty for the rest of my life. But I am not sure he really needs me or if he just wants to see how far he can get with me. Until he is ready to get help or heal his want for me is a "sick" want. I saw the fifteen year old my son was hanging around today in the neighborhood.
     
  7. mary9461

    mary9461 trying to hang on

    I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. The waiting is so hard. Try to keep strong and hand it over to God and try not to take it back from him. Know in your heart that you have done everything you can for him. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

    Marybeth
     
  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks - even from time to time I feel myself being happy! For so long my happiness was dependent on whether my children were happy and successful or not. You are all right and know me very well! A book should be written by all our posts - I wonder what we could name it? I am addicted to my son or his well-being or something. It is as hard for me to stop obsessing about him as it is for him to stop. I have been better. I havent gone to see him and for me I should feel guilty for the rest of my life. But I am not sure he really needs me or if he just wants to see how far he can get with me. Until he is ready to get help or heal his want for me is a "sick" want. I saw the fifteen year old my son was hanging around today in the neighborhood. :smile:
     
  9. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    I am not surprised the 15yr old is back hanging around the neighborhood. you should probably get used to that, at least until a few more years go by and if/when the 15yr old continues to break the law.

    Would it help you at all, if you DID know what was going to happen? Would it help you if you could check a website for progress or a set hearing date or anything? If so, I would suggest you surf around and see if you can find your local county court website. Maybe start with your state website, and look for links from there.

    I did this a lot when my difficult child was in the system. I had the court site saved on 'my favorites' (how sick is that) and I would check on his case(s) periodically.

    Stay with us, Susan. The end of your first post above sounds like you're doing okay! You do realize, the only one who can change your son is, your son.

    Peace
     
  10. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Susan, I am in agreeance with what all of the others have said, Although difficult, Let go and let him take on the consequences for his bad choices, You do not have the power to change him, He is the only one that has the power to change his ways if that is what he chooses to do. Do not feel guilty if you choose to not go see him. Guilt is a feeling that you should have or use only if you have done something wrong. Ummmm you have done nothing wrong... Allot of people tend to misuse the word guilt. It is the unknown that can be very scarey for anybody but after all he is a big boy and it is his choices that put him where he is today.
     
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes I do realize that! When I go to work - i love teaching and so I block everything else out and as far as I think my sonis in Hawaii living la vida loca! whatever that means! It means he is doing wonderful - I think it in my head and it gets me through - but sometimes when Iget home and see his pictures on my wall - all of my children together inhappier times - I just get sick and think - it all comes back to reality and I have no answers. but he is an adult - not a child. I keep going over and over the same thing. I know everyone wants to just scream!!! :faint:
     
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    These are the hard times, especially when you are not ready to give up. Actually, it's a bit of a help to let go, because you have to accept that these are not things that you can know or understand.

    Your son's attorney represents your son, and by law can not communicate anything with you. Even if you were paying his fee, he can't answer even the most basic questions. He could lose his license.

    It's fine to remember when he was a child, but the key word there is "was". He's not a child anymore. You need to remember that he "is" and adult. You are right, he should know better. But these are his decisions. It's not like he doesn't know better. Maybe his tolerance for pain is higher than yours. He's not you, and you can't make these decisions for him.

    Logically, this is a fear that you will get past. You will either be miserable every day of your life until this is resolved, or you won't, but it will pass. Time passes and things change. The question is will you change with it?
     
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks - that is a lot of food for thought! I appreciate it. :thanksgiving2:
     
  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change: you cannot change the fact that he's an addict or has a mental illness and when you really accept this, you will feel better about yourself.

    The courage to change the things I can: The only thing you can change is yourself and how you deal with this situation.

    And the wisdom to know the difference: This is the difficult one that you seem to get stuck on. Give it a lot of thought and continue to go to alanon.

    Amen!!

    I used to repeat this in my head over and over and over again. It helped!!
     
  15. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Hi stands~

    I can relate to so much of what you are saying. Especially the part about finding it difficult to be 'happy' when your son obviously is not. I found it very difficult to be 'happy' when my daughter was in her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (and very obviously unhappy). My moods were DIRECTLY dependent on how her moods were. I even felt GUILTY sometimes when I caught myself being 'happy' when I knew that she was not.

    It is after years of introspection (and reading the Boundaries book three times) that I figured out that I had/have major boundary issues with my daughter - well with people in general.

    I would begin to explore (with the help of your therapist) why you have difficulty figuring out where stands ends and your son begins.

    For me - it was a vicious cycle. I tried to control others lives because when they were unhappy, I was unhappy (that part is sooo key to our understanding). I was unhappy because others lives were unhappy so I tried to control their lives. Can you begin to seen the pattern of insanity?

    Now instead I try to see it this way. I try to be happy inspite of the fact that others lives are unhappy. I have no control over others lives, which in turn frees me to be happy. And the cycle perpetuates.

    And when I say happy - I don't mean skipping through the daisies happy - I mean having that inner peace that resides inside of me - in spite of external chaos.

    You can get there stands!! It is a long journey. We are all fellow sojourners. But, we all move at different paces ... and we are all in a different place on the long road.

    Hugs. You're doing great.
     
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I took pictures of my son down and put up pictures of other pretty things for a while. Doesn't mean I don't love my kid - just means I was trying the best I could to help myself not be a train wreck.

    The pictures were a reminder of days gone - so I put them in the closet and got new pictures. Out of sight - not necessarily out of mind.

    As time grew longer - and i got stronger? I choose one picture of he and I and shrunk it, framed and matted it - and now it's not such a vivid reminder.

    I only have one son - one difficult child. It was hard, but I survived.
     
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I still repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over and over again
    in my head when the stress is getting to me. It helps me sort
    through my emotions. You're doing well but it is a long journey!
    Hugs. DDD
     
  18. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I think this is an excellent example of how one learns to detach. No one is harmed in this process.....and the detachER is freed from the stress, guilt, pressure, etc. Thanks, GG.

    Suz
     
  19. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Stands with courage, it seems to me that your coping skills are getting better and better. Standing with you and sending support and prayers your way.
     
  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Really? Sometimes I think I am just sinking. What goldenguru said makes soooooo much sense. I get so anxious when I get letters from him. He needs to get out, wants money for thermal underwear, medicine, wants me to come see him, all this makes me crazy. I dont know why. It is like an addict - when you are away from the chaos you find ways to survive but when you come again face to face with it you get nervous and anxious that you are going to fall back into it. This has been the longest time I have ever gone without seeing him. It has freed me and given me some peace but I know that whenever he gets out or whereever it will be back to the same thing as where is he going to go not home. I know we cant stand it. Even if my easy child goes off to college how could my husband and I stand him living there. I go off on tandrums and do not need to. I will read your posts again. Thanks :rolleyes:
     
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