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What works for you? Help with lying/manipulative teen needed.
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<blockquote data-quote="TargetPractice" data-source="post: 700466" data-attributes="member: 20771"><p>Don't worry, I didn't take anything you said offensively, you've been very helpful. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>"He couldn't see where he had done anything wrong. He kept saying they were texts and he didn't hurt anyone."</p><p></p><p>^^^This. Except his favorite response is "it was a joke, I didn't intend it to be mean." Ever since we asked him why he smiled and seemed to enjoy the hurt reactions to his words. Its terrifying to watch him, the more upset his target becomes, the bigger, colder and harder his smile becomes. Its a villain smile.</p><p></p><p>I was not as clear as I could have been about the baseball. The actual expectation was that he maintain his grades above the academic eligibility for sports cutoff, the logic being if he could buckle down and do his schoolwork (something we've struggled with for 7 years now), maybe he could handle the added responsibility and commitment of a sport.</p><p></p><p>Keeping the log is a goods idea, I'll start right away!</p><p></p><p>It is amazing how kids in the same household can be so different! My oldest, well, I haven't found his kryptonite yet, but still trying. Unfortunately, logic doesn't work well with him. An example of a typical exchange:</p><p></p><p>Me: Your dad texted. He can't do your visit tonight.</p><p>Boy: So basically, you're not letting him have the visit.</p><p>Me: No. The time is available for him. He is unable to do it today.</p><p>Boy: But its fair to say that you're not letting him because he can't.</p><p>Me: No. I have no control over your father's schedule.</p><p> He is the only one in control of that. I had no hand in him being unavailable today.</p><p>It continues, but just goes round and round.</p><p> My youngest responds really well to positive reinforcement, basic praise when he does well, doesn't really even need tangible rewards. He's a pretty well-behaved kid and a straight-A student. Middle likes to negotiate, and has strong logic skills. She responds better to tangible rewards-a small gift or special privilege or activity. Once her logic is satisfied, she is also pretty well-behaved, and is also a good student. Both youngest and middle are willing to put in the effort to earn the reward and succeed in doing so often. This may be an issue for oldest, because he sees them getting more positive reinforcement. I've explained to him that he can earn the same things by (insert examples of ways he could earn a reward). He chooses instead to view it as favoritism. He cannot handle admitting a mistake or apologizing, yet self-rates his own self esteem and confidence as very high. It doesn't help that youngest has announced that he's trying to be better than oldest, because oldest is mean to him. He and middle often stick up for each other when he's targeting one of them, so he probably thinks they're ganging up on him. Sometimes they do, and I have to discipline them while secretly completely empathizing with their reasons for doing it. </p><p></p><p>It's long been decided in my house that the goal is to survive this child until he launches (probably not to college; he says he refuses to continue past hs and his grades will limit his options even if he changes his mind later. He is aware that his grades now will be part of his hs transcript, and colleges look at them to help decide who gets in and who doesn't. He doesn't care). </p><p></p><p>I understand what you're saying about the detachment, it's not so much a withholding of love, affection or positivity, but a refusal to allow yourself to be affected a certain way by certain behaviors, refusing to let that in. That doesn't sound terrible at all. And, like your son, whether I'm calm and logical or emotionally reactive, he will still have the behaviors. I want to handle my son's behaviors, and support him, without constantly feeling hurt, upset, angry, etc. I currently walk away or have my husband take over when that happens, but I find myself doing that a lot. I'll keep going through, "do today today"--I like that, by the way--and maybe with time I'll evolve, too.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much for sharing, so much insight and things to think about! All the best to you and your family, your kids have great parents!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TargetPractice, post: 700466, member: 20771"] Don't worry, I didn't take anything you said offensively, you've been very helpful. :) "He couldn't see where he had done anything wrong. He kept saying they were texts and he didn't hurt anyone." ^^^This. Except his favorite response is "it was a joke, I didn't intend it to be mean." Ever since we asked him why he smiled and seemed to enjoy the hurt reactions to his words. Its terrifying to watch him, the more upset his target becomes, the bigger, colder and harder his smile becomes. Its a villain smile. I was not as clear as I could have been about the baseball. The actual expectation was that he maintain his grades above the academic eligibility for sports cutoff, the logic being if he could buckle down and do his schoolwork (something we've struggled with for 7 years now), maybe he could handle the added responsibility and commitment of a sport. Keeping the log is a goods idea, I'll start right away! It is amazing how kids in the same household can be so different! My oldest, well, I haven't found his kryptonite yet, but still trying. Unfortunately, logic doesn't work well with him. An example of a typical exchange: Me: Your dad texted. He can't do your visit tonight. Boy: So basically, you're not letting him have the visit. Me: No. The time is available for him. He is unable to do it today. Boy: But its fair to say that you're not letting him because he can't. Me: No. I have no control over your father's schedule. He is the only one in control of that. I had no hand in him being unavailable today. It continues, but just goes round and round. My youngest responds really well to positive reinforcement, basic praise when he does well, doesn't really even need tangible rewards. He's a pretty well-behaved kid and a straight-A student. Middle likes to negotiate, and has strong logic skills. She responds better to tangible rewards-a small gift or special privilege or activity. Once her logic is satisfied, she is also pretty well-behaved, and is also a good student. Both youngest and middle are willing to put in the effort to earn the reward and succeed in doing so often. This may be an issue for oldest, because he sees them getting more positive reinforcement. I've explained to him that he can earn the same things by (insert examples of ways he could earn a reward). He chooses instead to view it as favoritism. He cannot handle admitting a mistake or apologizing, yet self-rates his own self esteem and confidence as very high. It doesn't help that youngest has announced that he's trying to be better than oldest, because oldest is mean to him. He and middle often stick up for each other when he's targeting one of them, so he probably thinks they're ganging up on him. Sometimes they do, and I have to discipline them while secretly completely empathizing with their reasons for doing it. It's long been decided in my house that the goal is to survive this child until he launches (probably not to college; he says he refuses to continue past hs and his grades will limit his options even if he changes his mind later. He is aware that his grades now will be part of his hs transcript, and colleges look at them to help decide who gets in and who doesn't. He doesn't care). I understand what you're saying about the detachment, it's not so much a withholding of love, affection or positivity, but a refusal to allow yourself to be affected a certain way by certain behaviors, refusing to let that in. That doesn't sound terrible at all. And, like your son, whether I'm calm and logical or emotionally reactive, he will still have the behaviors. I want to handle my son's behaviors, and support him, without constantly feeling hurt, upset, angry, etc. I currently walk away or have my husband take over when that happens, but I find myself doing that a lot. I'll keep going through, "do today today"--I like that, by the way--and maybe with time I'll evolve, too. Thank you so much for sharing, so much insight and things to think about! All the best to you and your family, your kids have great parents! [/QUOTE]
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