Amazing. Nobody has mentioned The Book yet.
It's "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's not a cure, but it is perhaps the best thing that has helped us.
Your child wants to be in the driving seat? Well to a certain extent, this book shows how to let him, but with you still steering (quietly). Sometimes this helps your child learn that you really are trying to help and not hinder, and sometimes they really can handle a lot more control than we really knew, as long as it is with some supports in place.
It sounds anarchic but is actually the opposite. By giving them control in areas that really don't mater, and making sure that you only discipline for things they genuinely can control and can change as well as making the discipline more relevant and above all, effective - you can begin to turn around the negative, oppositional behaviour. Along the way the child learns personal responsibility, which I love.
There is some good discussion on this and how it works, in Early Childhood forum.
A big part of the "I treat you like everyone else" behaviour is that these kids really do not distinguish between adults and children - for these kids, everyone is equal. REALLY equal. Everyone. They also will give back the behaviour they receive, which means that if you use the "Because I'm the parent" approach, they will use it right back at you. To change from this is such a major clash of mental gears for so many adults (especially those who rely on being a figure of authority most of the time) that a lot of adults just don't 'get it' and will fail simply because they CAN'T take that step back and let the child make some decisions.
The apparently bossy behaviour can be really annoying, but you need to recognise that it has come form a combination of the child simply not 'seeing' class differences, plus our own past manner of treating them. So you need to put up with it to a certain extent, as you try to turn the problem back around and deal with it in this new way.
How would you handle that behaviour if it wasn't your child but a co-worker instead? Or a regular customer in your store? Or a flatmate? I find that if I keep a mental picture of my child as a flatmate instead of someone who has to do what I say, I get on better (and get what I want from them more effectively with fewer hassles).
Keep in mind - what is your ultimate aim for your child? If you are like many of us, your ambitions for your child is for him to grow up to be independent, happy, fulfilled, stimulated and productive. In order to achieve this, he needs to learn life skills in basic personal care (cooking, cleaning, washing, work ethic) as well as good social interactions (getting on with others). He also needs enough of an academic education to be able to get the job he wants in the career path of his choice/capability. This may not be your choice - you need to accept this. But it DOES have to be HIS choice. You can't push a child to become a lawyer, if despite having a genius-level IQ all he wants in life is to be a hairdresser. Or a mechanic. I have a very bright nephew who chose to become a car mechanic - he's one of the best, because his meticulous eye for detail plus his high intelligence gives him the satisfaction he needs in something he loves.
It takes a lot of effort sometimes, to make it all seem so effortless. It's also a darn good idea to get a thorough evaluation done on the child. Some kids really are very bright and see other people (including adults) as brainless idiots. They don't suffer fools gladly and let their scorn show. This will not help them get on in life. They need to learn that while they may be smarter than 99% of the population, they are not as experienced or as wise. And for many of them, this is a discovery they have to make for themselves; you can't punish them into it. But if you can be their facilitator instead of their obstacle, you CAN talk them through it.
difficult child 3 was arguing with his father today. He had nagged husband once too often and husband snarled at him as difficult child 3 began to say, "I do not appreciate it when..."
husband was fairly sure difficult child 3 was about to say, "I do not appreciate it when you do not do what I tell you." husband had moved apiece of equipment carefully, but in a way difficult child 3 had feared could break it (and would have, if it had been difficult child 3 moving it).
I took difficult child 3 aside (mid-whinge about how RUDE Daddy was) and told him firmly, "Dad is annoyed with you because he is the father, you are the child. It is not your place to criticise him about the way he moves HIS equipment around. He tries to be patient but you have been critical just too often today and he has run out of patience with you."
Even though he is 14, even though we have been working on this for some time, difficult child 3 still didn't really 'get' this because it is just too alien for his brain to accept - in his mind, everybody is equal. We are currently working on "younger people must respect the experience of older people and take it into account - experience throws equality out of balance when you are talking about expertise" and slowly making progress.
He needs to see it in an almost mathematical form, like a diagram on paper.
I can only correct difficult child 3 to this extent, this firmly, now after all the work we've ben putting in with "The Explosive Child" over the last couple of years. It IS working, we see good progress in a lot of areas, but in some things he simply hasn't got the brain maturity to understand despite having "a brain the size of a planet" like the robot Marvin in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".
There are nice things about him too, which are also part of the same problem - he's honest but believes other people are just as honest and trustworthy. You can't tell him, he has to learn it the hard way. Currently we're playing "Civilisation" (computer game) which is teaching him the more complex aspects of diplomacy.
You need to change the way you do things form the typical "this is what a parent does" to whatever works. Think outside the square. Find things that work. Dump what doesn't work. Keep modifying and adapting because as the child gets older (and more capable) you need to keep up. Sometimes what didn't work when he was younger, will work now. And vice versa.
Maybe I'm feeling a bit smug because this evening I had a long talk to easy child 2/difficult child 2 which gave me the encouragement that perhaps we have finally turned the corner with her on behaviour, health, attitude etc. husband saw her in her workplace today (she didn't see him) and she was clearly working well and effectively in her new (originally short-term) position supervising a sales team in a new store. husband said the other staff were looking content, concentrating on their work, willingly approaching her when needing guidance but getting back to the task without delay - all the things he knows to look for.
Tonight she told me that although it had been made clear to her that this position was only until they trained more permanent staff, they have now asked her to consider taking this supervisor's position on permanently because she is working so effectively and the new shop has far fewer problems than they anticipated.
The one thing that has been really worrying us over the last 18 months or more with her, besides her health, has been her attitude with other people. She can be a right little vixen and totally unreasonable when she doesn't get her own way, it has seemed. And now - all gone. At last the final piece of the puzzle has fallen into place in her head and she is about to lose all difficult child status. If she can manage a new store, not antagonise staff under her or those above her AND not fall apart when there are problems or the stock has not been delivered on time (or whatever) then I think we have finally won, as parents.
Our ambition - to have our child become an independent, functioning, happy, productive and capable adult - has been achieved.
Marg
it helps when so much emotion goes into it lol and it was DEFINITELY an emotional time hehe
