It is nice to hear that my approach seems to be in line with what others think is appropriate. Of course I am not always right, so knowing my parenting in this type of situation is what others would do also is helpful feedback for me!
This is an issue where I might recognize that my child needed a medication tweak or something but I would STILL do exactly the same thing. While we, the parents of difficult children, may know that their disabilities or diagnosis's or lack of maturity are a lot of what drives the behaviors, there are some things that it really cannot matter in. The world just will NOT make allowances for these diagnosis's or whatevers and our jobs as parents of difficult children is to make them into members of society who follow the rules. with-O some MAJOR logical consequences, there simply is no way this child will "get" that the no stealing and no destroying other people's things rules apply to him just as to others. He is breaking these rules in huge ways with people outside his home/immediate family and NO ONE is going to tolerate this for very long.
Sometimes the BEST way to help our children, difficult child or not, is to let them have a logical consequence that is hard to accomplish, like working off the cost of the tv or at least a big part of it. NOT doing something big with this is telling him that the rules don't apply to him - and this is a lie. It also is setting him up for the world to teach him NASTY and HARD lessons. Yes, it is hard to work off a lot of money when you are ten. In fact, maybe he should sell some of this things in a yard sale or have you take them to a pawn shop if he has a nice tv, a game system that is fairly new (like a wii or nintendo ds or newer playstation or xbox), games for the game systems, etc.... In fact, if you were to put these on ebay with an ad that said that these had to be sold to help difficult child learn that he must pay for anything he destroys in anyone's home or business, I would be willing to bet that you got some pretty good bids because people want to pitch in and help in some wo that. ay. I have seen similar things on ebay, like moms selling son's game systems to pay for damage to their home, and often they got far more in bids that sales with just a straight up description of the product. People want to help when something like this is going on. Not having those things is a punishment in itself, but is also a very logical natural consequence. When an adult has a big bill that must be paid, often we must get rid of our things to pay for the bill. Heck, with people having hard times now the pawn shops seem busier than ever before. If you pawn the item, let difficult child work extra hard to get the money to get the item back. if he earns enough aside from the money left that he has to earn after his things are sold or pawned, then he can redeem them from the pawnshop. Actually YOU would redeem them because kids cannot pawn things.
All of this is part of a life lesson that everyone must learn. It is far better to learn this at his age than when you are older. The world is a LOT nicer to you when you are young like your son. If he cannot learn this lesson, he will spend time in jail, whether as a juvenile or an adult.
My gfgbro used to be incredibly paranoid about people stealing his stuff. Finally I realized it was because HE was a thief. There is a seniors community in our town that is very nice and very expensive. As a teenager my gfgbro used to go and enter any unlocked home at night. he would rifle around looking for money or items he watned to have. It never bothered him that people were HOME - he thought that was really the best part - to take from them while they were home asleep. He claims to have stopped doing this after an old man came in and looked really scared and confused - so he ran out with what he had already found, which wasn't much. My gfgbro could NEVER understand why i wouldn't go anywhere with him with-o our parents or why I told him this was WRONG. He was a senior in high school but still very young in years (skipped some school). He also, for at least twenty years, would go into any abandoned looking buildings he saw and take what he wanted. now he did get some beat up pieces of furniture and he did refinish them to truly beautiful pieces that are actual works of art. He is that good at refinishing furniture. But other than one dresser that was in our home when I was growing up, and a table I used to have that I bought and he refinished as a gift, I will NOT have any of his pieces in my home. Because they were STOLEN. My mother firmly beleives that he would not do that, and she has at least one that I know was stolen for a fact because gfgbro came home with salt all in the back of his clothes. The owner of the property where he got this beat up item from shot at him with shotgun shells full of rock salt. gfgbro thought that was funny too. He has also had people shooting bullets at him over this - and if they had hit him it would NOT be the shooter's fault. He has done this in many areas, not jsut around our home.
THIS is why I have been so strict with my kids over stealing and taking other people's property from a very young age. Wiz was three when he stole a screw and nut from a hardware store. Tiny ones, would have cost a quarter max and I would have paid for them with-o any problem, but he just put them in his pocket and kept them. So I made him go back, apologize and pay for them and then not take them. This lesson lasted until his teens when what he stole was always something in line with his obsessions. I recognize that the obsession was driving it, but I still did all of the things I said in my first post.
The world will NOT accept the diagnosis as the reason for the behavior. they may agree that it was why it happened, but they will STILL give a harsh punishment for the offense. I NEVER want one of our difficult children to end up in the hospital or worse because they stole something and the owner shot and hit them. I have had nightmares about this since I was a teen - first about my bro then about difficult child at one point.
