What would you do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by thedad, Jul 5, 2007.

  1. thedad

    thedad New Member

    I don't post often but when I do I like the advice you all hand out. My daughter is now twenty one and basically has been on a down hill spiral for three years. The latest has been her arrest for possesion of meth. She has not had a job for a few months and was sent to jail for a couple of weeks. When she got out she faced eviction from her apartment. We told her we would help her go to rehab but other than that she was on her own. She is married and her husband is a recovering addict finishing a stint in prison but on work release so had been helping her out with money. He gave her enought to stay in the apartment another week so she could pack things up then get in rehab. Now she is gone. We don't know where she is but assume she got someone to help her pack up and move. She hasn't contacted us or husband (she was pissed at him too). She is on probation so has to let the probation department know where she lives. I suspect she is still using meth and has probably moved in with some other users. It is very hard not knowing where your child is and if she is allright. It is also hard to know that they hate you so much that they would do this in such a spiteful way. So do we just try and let go, live our lives and que sera sera. I assume if she is still on drugs they will catch up with her eventually although the system seems pretty lax. Or do I notify authorities she is missing with the hopes this will land her back in jail sooner and maybe get to the point where she wants to turn this around.

    The Dad
     
  2. KFld

    KFld New Member

    If she's on probation, you may want to contact the authorities in hopes that they will pick her up and at least if she ends up back in jail, you'll know she's not using and she has a roof over her head. Besides that, there isn't anything else you can do but get yourselves to alanon and learn how to go on with your lives.

    If she took off, over the choice of going to rehab, then she's not ready to ask for help herself yet, but hopefully if she gets picked up she will realize where her life is heading and it will help her get ready to help herself.

    Keep us posted please.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I know it's hard to understand, but your daughter cares more about the drugs (meth) right now than anything else. (including herself) She doesn't hate you. The drugs are just more important.

    My stepgfg is a meth addict. When she took off with the kids 5 yrs ago I didn't chase after her. I did contact children's services in the state where I knew she was headed in hopes of helping the kids. We haven't heard from her since. Although thru internest searches I've been following her trail. And I'm fairly sure both Kayla and Alex were adopted.

    We did our best to help stepgfg even to the point of going bankrupt. She had two beautiful children. The meth was STILL more important. Nothing we could do or say could change it. Nothing that happened to her could change it. All we can do is pray she gets help before the meth kills her. (the survival rate for this drug is approx 5 yrs)

    I wish I had some wise words.

    (((((hugs))))))
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I tend to agree with Karen but I can almost bet that probation will just shrug their shoulders and wait till she has missed a few appts before they do anything...if they even do anything then. A warrant will probably be issued on her if anything, and if she gets picked up on something else then it will pop. No one goes out of their way to look for these kids.
     
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    my son did this to me time and again, I hate it.
    he left with a 4 mo old son and girl when he was 20. he was gone with no word for 4mos.

    he is fine now, working, living on his own in an apartment. he is 24.

    I had to let him hit bottom, I didnt call anyone. I knew he knew where I was, if he wanted me to know he would call me.

    he finally got sick, skinny and worn out from drugging. he was hungry and tired. he called.

    I got him home with the condition he contact the cops and turn himself in. he did.

    he spent the next two or more yrs in jail.

    his life.

    you can still pray for your daughter and love her even when you do not know where she is. call the PO if it makes you feel better, but no one will go searching for her. she will most likely get caught doing something illegal and that will draw her back.

    I am sorry for you and have to tell you it can get better.
     
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. Honestly, I think I would not contact her PO. If she's using meth, the police will catch up to her with no help from you. And try as you might, if you turn her in, she will figure it out and then it will be "your fault". Besides, if you don't know where she is, what are you going to tell PO?

    I absolutely know how hard it is to ignore it all. Meth is a monster that does not let go. I hope she will pull through. Please do everything that you can to keep you and the rest of your family strong, because one day she may want your help. It does no good to offer or try until she does.
     
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: witzend</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    Please do everything that you can to keep you and the rest of your family strong, because one day she may want your help. It does no good to offer or try until she does.

    </div></div>

    To all the good advice you have been given, I would add that you should learn all you can about the physiologic basis of addiction. I am sorry that I no longer have web addresses for the sites which taught me about the changes in the brain chemistries of those who are addicted (to anything, but especially to the powerful recreational drugs that are out there, today). When I did learn about the brain chemistry of addiction, I understood what was happening to my son in a way I had not, before. Because we knew about the chemical changes the drugs were causing, we could detach a little more from the horror of watching our son destroy himself.

    It helps us to remember (and we still slip into that panicky, desperate place where we feel we have to do SOMETHING) that we are living through about as traumatic a series of events as there could be.

    What is happening to you, and to all of us here on the Board, is an ongoing nightmare. Witz' advice to strengthen yourself and your family was good advice.

    If you can do that, you will survive this with your heart in one piece.

    I'm glad you posted about it.

    That always helps me.

    Barbara
     
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi there,

    I can't believe that I missed this post for so many days.

    My heartfelt prayers go out to your family, and especially your daughter.

    I have to agree with the other posters who suggested to not contact the PO. Again, it is most important to keep your family strong.

    I am a recovering addict myself. We don't mean to hurt anyone. When we are in out addiction, we can't help it. Do not mistake that as we are trying to blame it on anyone but us; we know it is our fault and nobody else's But when deep in the throes of our addiction, we CANNOT help it. If and when we are ready for help, we seek it out, and not a minute before.

    Pray for her strength, if that comforts you. Another suggestion I would make is to hit an Al-anon or Families-Anon meeting. It will help you understand your daughter, her disease, and how to help her when she comes to you for it.

    Sending gentle hugs and positive thoughts your way.
     
  9. Jen

    Jen New Member

    Oh Kitty what a nice suggestion you have given.
    We think prayer is not powerful, or resulting, but it can give us peace.

    Jen
     
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