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What would you have done in this situation?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 301508" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Going over it all slowly afterwards is a luxury we don't have in the moment. So whatever people advise now - you did what you did at the time and that's got to be OK.</p><p></p><p>I think Janet has a strong point - she may have realised being hungry was making her unreasonably grumpy, and this is a good thing. ANY increase in self-awareness is a good thing.</p><p></p><p>Her over-reaction to your decision (a good decision, I feel) is typical teen. Just about ALL teens react with extremes. "You NEVER let me do that!" or "I ALWAYS have to do this!"</p><p>Just shrug and ignore. Also do what you did - explain calmly that you have valid reasons and will let her do it, but when YOU feel she is ready. Maybe you could even discuss with her how you could work towards it as a goal. If you had let her drive into that nasty intersection, it could have gone OOK, but it could also have been very nasty. She could well have panicked and frozen, or worse, had an accident. With the car off the road, when would she next get a chance to drive? And what would it do to her self-confidence? What if she or you were injured? Or someone else? How would she fell? How would you feel?</p><p>She's a teen. Impulsive. Egocentric. And if she was also hungry, then even more unreasonable because at some level she was aware of other personal needs not met.</p><p></p><p>She is the one who said, "OK then, I won't drive at all!"</p><p>If she hadmaintained tat attitude al lthe way home and then regretted it, it would then have been too late. But she changed her mind while it was NOT too late and I think you did the right thing letting her drive. it was on YOUR terms (ie not through the nasty intersection) and so really, YOU won. In her mind, she may have fent she won because she got to drive.</p><p>Therefore - it is win-win.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes though, it's not about winning, it's about success in learning to discuss and compromise. It has been said that teen girls argue a lot, mostly to examine the issues in their own way. It sounds a lot more adversarial than they intend or would even realise. Boys instead simply sulk. But if you asked her afterwards if you ahd she had argued about driving, she may well not realise or define it as argument, simply as both of you examining the boundary conditions of her learning to drive.</p><p></p><p>Your ultimate aim is for her to grow up to be independent, happy, productive. This is also her aim. it's just that she is the child and doesn't have experience in what it is like to go through ALL the stages of growing up. You've been there, she is still in transit. But with the big picture, you both have the same aim. Learning to drive is a small part of this. She can't accuse you of trying to sabotage her driving, can she? In which case - how and when she has her lessons, what she does and at what pace - YOU are the teacher but if she feels she is more capable than you feel she is, set up a test for her. If she thinks she is able to handle reverse parking, for example, and you don't want to risk bending other people's cars, then take her to a deserted carpark and set up some rubbish bins. Make her practice. Your idea to take her through that nasty intersection at a quieter time is a good one - so give her a date when you will do it with her. Or give her a list of driving goals she has to achieve, to earn the 'promotion'. </p><p></p><p>A student can't learn about nuclear physics if they are still struggling with how to use a calculator. But a student who desperately wants to know more about nuclear physics can at least be shown the stages they need to learn, in order to make progress in their favourite subject.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 301508, member: 1991"] Going over it all slowly afterwards is a luxury we don't have in the moment. So whatever people advise now - you did what you did at the time and that's got to be OK. I think Janet has a strong point - she may have realised being hungry was making her unreasonably grumpy, and this is a good thing. ANY increase in self-awareness is a good thing. Her over-reaction to your decision (a good decision, I feel) is typical teen. Just about ALL teens react with extremes. "You NEVER let me do that!" or "I ALWAYS have to do this!" Just shrug and ignore. Also do what you did - explain calmly that you have valid reasons and will let her do it, but when YOU feel she is ready. Maybe you could even discuss with her how you could work towards it as a goal. If you had let her drive into that nasty intersection, it could have gone OOK, but it could also have been very nasty. She could well have panicked and frozen, or worse, had an accident. With the car off the road, when would she next get a chance to drive? And what would it do to her self-confidence? What if she or you were injured? Or someone else? How would she fell? How would you feel? She's a teen. Impulsive. Egocentric. And if she was also hungry, then even more unreasonable because at some level she was aware of other personal needs not met. She is the one who said, "OK then, I won't drive at all!" If she hadmaintained tat attitude al lthe way home and then regretted it, it would then have been too late. But she changed her mind while it was NOT too late and I think you did the right thing letting her drive. it was on YOUR terms (ie not through the nasty intersection) and so really, YOU won. In her mind, she may have fent she won because she got to drive. Therefore - it is win-win. Sometimes though, it's not about winning, it's about success in learning to discuss and compromise. It has been said that teen girls argue a lot, mostly to examine the issues in their own way. It sounds a lot more adversarial than they intend or would even realise. Boys instead simply sulk. But if you asked her afterwards if you ahd she had argued about driving, she may well not realise or define it as argument, simply as both of you examining the boundary conditions of her learning to drive. Your ultimate aim is for her to grow up to be independent, happy, productive. This is also her aim. it's just that she is the child and doesn't have experience in what it is like to go through ALL the stages of growing up. You've been there, she is still in transit. But with the big picture, you both have the same aim. Learning to drive is a small part of this. She can't accuse you of trying to sabotage her driving, can she? In which case - how and when she has her lessons, what she does and at what pace - YOU are the teacher but if she feels she is more capable than you feel she is, set up a test for her. If she thinks she is able to handle reverse parking, for example, and you don't want to risk bending other people's cars, then take her to a deserted carpark and set up some rubbish bins. Make her practice. Your idea to take her through that nasty intersection at a quieter time is a good one - so give her a date when you will do it with her. Or give her a list of driving goals she has to achieve, to earn the 'promotion'. A student can't learn about nuclear physics if they are still struggling with how to use a calculator. But a student who desperately wants to know more about nuclear physics can at least be shown the stages they need to learn, in order to make progress in their favourite subject. Marg [/QUOTE]
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