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What's happening to me in detachment...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622432" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Good Morning! I wanted to give you all an update on difficult child. But first, thank you so much for all of your posts on this thread, words of care and support, and words of wisdom from your own experience. I read it all (over and over) and appreciate it very much.</p><p></p><p>Thursday, difficult child FB messaged me and asked if I could bring some clothes to him the next day and take some of the things that he is carrying around in his backpack that he doesn't need. I said yes. He called me about 10:15 Friday morning and asked when I could come by the day shelter. I said in about an hour.</p><p></p><p>(a bit of background: he has now been on the street for a little over a month, homeless, no job, no money, if he gets arrested one more time he goes to prison for four years, doesn't need rehab, doesn't have a problem. I am working hard on really letting go. For the first time my ex (his dad) and I are not enabling at the same time, ex has completely detached. I am trying to have a relationship but with a lot of distance). </p><p></p><p>When I got there he was waiting outside and he came and got in the car. I had struggled with myself about bringing him something. I thought about running by the grocery store and getting some protein bars and pb/crackers and bottled water and/or giving him a $10 bill or something. In the end, I got a Diet 7up out of my fridge and that is all I took. I told myself he has food stamps and I need to do nothing. Nothing. </p><p></p><p>He said thank you for the drink. He said he had not had a place to sleep the night before and was tired. I didn't ask where did you go what did you do? I said Oh. </p><p></p><p>Evidently he has been staying at someone's house---have no idea who---with some other people some nights when it's really cold outside. </p><p></p><p>Other nights he says he starts trying to figure out where he will sleep about 3 p.m. when the day shelter closes. </p><p></p><p>He cleaned out his backpack and gave me some clothes and took a pair of jeans, some boxers, t-shirts and a couple of shirts. He has a coat. He also gave me some toiletries he said he doesn't need right now. </p><p></p><p>He said he got his library card back and he now can go there and check out books and use the computer. He said he had $2 in fines and if you have fines you can't use the computer but somehow they erased the fines so he can. He was glad about that and I saw a library book on WWII (he likes reading about that) in his backpack. </p><p></p><p>We had a nice time in the car for about 10 minutes. I am more and more able to talk straight to him. Remember, for so long I had to write it all down, print it out and carry it in my purse so I could stick to my script. </p><p></p><p>Now, I can say some straight things to him without going off on him or holding back too much. At least for me.</p><p></p><p>We had had a conversation a few days before on the phone about why he was turned down at the Salvation Army. They told me he failed a drug test. When I said that to him, he flew off about it and was really upset. He said he has not taken a drug test there since he got out of jail, and that's not what happened, he said it was because he failed the drug test at the SA rehab (city four hours from here) and got kicked out there so they won't let him back in here. </p><p></p><p>Well, that is not what the director said to me, but I said, okay, you may be right. He said, I am right and I have not taken drugs one time since I got out of jail and I am trying to rebuild your trust and now you won't believe me, yada, yada. </p><p></p><p>The recovery person in me said this: The best predictor of future behavior is past history, remember. He is a drug addict and that's what they do: take drugs.</p><p></p><p>The person-who-so-wanted-to-believe-him in me said: Maybe they were wrong and the message got mixed up and they meant at the rehab.</p><p></p><p>Then I realized it doesn't matter. </p><p></p><p>I told him that. He said it does matter to me. You never believe me, yada, yada. </p><p></p><p>I said this: Okay I understand that you are upset. Let's set this aside if we can. I will give you the benefit of the doubt here. Let's move on.</p><p></p><p>Fast forward back to the car: So he brought that up again. I said (name), listen, you and I are going to have to do a lot of work to rebuild trust. I really don't know if I can believe a word you say about anything because you have lied to me so much. Let's work on telling each other the truth, even if don't think the other person is going to like it.</p><p></p><p>He said okay.</p><p></p><p>At one point I asked him if he is still smoking cigarettes. He looked at me sideways and said, sometimes but I know I need to stop. </p><p></p><p>I immediately said, thank you for telling me the truth. That is what I mean. Let's tell the truth.</p><p></p><p>I was able to say some of my own truths, directly but not mean (I hope). I said, I am very cautious about doing anything at all for you. In the past I do one thing and then you expect all things. That isn't good for you or for me. I am trying to stay out of your way so you can become a man. That is what you need to do. You need to figure it all out for yourself and take complete care of yourself.</p><p></p><p>He said he had several appointments with different people around town about jobs and somewhere to live into this week, plus he was going to the Y to start working out there as you can go there for free if you are homeless.</p><p></p><p>I said that sounds good. I hope you get some results.</p><p></p><p>And I said I will help you get a bike if you get a job and a place to live and you need one. He said okay. </p><p></p><p>He had asked me last week if I have an extra bike and after two hours of agonizing about my answer, SO told me, just answer the question. Do you have an extra bike? I don't. So I wrote back (FB message): I don't have an extra bike. I am sorry. </p><p></p><p>Wow. That was huge. I wanted to complicate it all up and got all twisted up about whether I should go buy a bike, tell him to find a bike and I will pay for it, blah blah. SO said just answer the question he asked and no more. </p><p></p><p>Back to the car: It was a very civilized conversation and when we parted we hugged hard and said I love you. </p><p></p><p>I said, please keep in touch and he said he would. He didn't ask for anything, not even a ride somewhere. </p><p></p><p>I don't know. I feel like this is real progress on both sides of the street---his side and my side. I am going to TRY with all of my power and might and your help to continue to stay out of his way as much as I can and just have these very small meetings from time to time. </p><p></p><p>I haven't taken him to lunch or dinner, had him here, or anything. I think that is how it needs to be right now. I am a little bit hopeful that maybe he will make something good happen but I don't want to get too invested and keep my head on straight about his. </p><p></p><p>It is what it is. It's completely up to him. I am slowly figuring out this very strange relationship between myself---living in a 3000 square foot house all by myself about 2 miles from the day shelter where my homeless son eats breakfast and lunch every day and figures out where he will stay every night.</p><p></p><p>It is what it needs to be.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622432, member: 17542"] Good Morning! I wanted to give you all an update on difficult child. But first, thank you so much for all of your posts on this thread, words of care and support, and words of wisdom from your own experience. I read it all (over and over) and appreciate it very much. Thursday, difficult child FB messaged me and asked if I could bring some clothes to him the next day and take some of the things that he is carrying around in his backpack that he doesn't need. I said yes. He called me about 10:15 Friday morning and asked when I could come by the day shelter. I said in about an hour. (a bit of background: he has now been on the street for a little over a month, homeless, no job, no money, if he gets arrested one more time he goes to prison for four years, doesn't need rehab, doesn't have a problem. I am working hard on really letting go. For the first time my ex (his dad) and I are not enabling at the same time, ex has completely detached. I am trying to have a relationship but with a lot of distance). When I got there he was waiting outside and he came and got in the car. I had struggled with myself about bringing him something. I thought about running by the grocery store and getting some protein bars and pb/crackers and bottled water and/or giving him a $10 bill or something. In the end, I got a Diet 7up out of my fridge and that is all I took. I told myself he has food stamps and I need to do nothing. Nothing. He said thank you for the drink. He said he had not had a place to sleep the night before and was tired. I didn't ask where did you go what did you do? I said Oh. Evidently he has been staying at someone's house---have no idea who---with some other people some nights when it's really cold outside. Other nights he says he starts trying to figure out where he will sleep about 3 p.m. when the day shelter closes. He cleaned out his backpack and gave me some clothes and took a pair of jeans, some boxers, t-shirts and a couple of shirts. He has a coat. He also gave me some toiletries he said he doesn't need right now. He said he got his library card back and he now can go there and check out books and use the computer. He said he had $2 in fines and if you have fines you can't use the computer but somehow they erased the fines so he can. He was glad about that and I saw a library book on WWII (he likes reading about that) in his backpack. We had a nice time in the car for about 10 minutes. I am more and more able to talk straight to him. Remember, for so long I had to write it all down, print it out and carry it in my purse so I could stick to my script. Now, I can say some straight things to him without going off on him or holding back too much. At least for me. We had had a conversation a few days before on the phone about why he was turned down at the Salvation Army. They told me he failed a drug test. When I said that to him, he flew off about it and was really upset. He said he has not taken a drug test there since he got out of jail, and that's not what happened, he said it was because he failed the drug test at the SA rehab (city four hours from here) and got kicked out there so they won't let him back in here. Well, that is not what the director said to me, but I said, okay, you may be right. He said, I am right and I have not taken drugs one time since I got out of jail and I am trying to rebuild your trust and now you won't believe me, yada, yada. The recovery person in me said this: The best predictor of future behavior is past history, remember. He is a drug addict and that's what they do: take drugs. The person-who-so-wanted-to-believe-him in me said: Maybe they were wrong and the message got mixed up and they meant at the rehab. Then I realized it doesn't matter. I told him that. He said it does matter to me. You never believe me, yada, yada. I said this: Okay I understand that you are upset. Let's set this aside if we can. I will give you the benefit of the doubt here. Let's move on. Fast forward back to the car: So he brought that up again. I said (name), listen, you and I are going to have to do a lot of work to rebuild trust. I really don't know if I can believe a word you say about anything because you have lied to me so much. Let's work on telling each other the truth, even if don't think the other person is going to like it. He said okay. At one point I asked him if he is still smoking cigarettes. He looked at me sideways and said, sometimes but I know I need to stop. I immediately said, thank you for telling me the truth. That is what I mean. Let's tell the truth. I was able to say some of my own truths, directly but not mean (I hope). I said, I am very cautious about doing anything at all for you. In the past I do one thing and then you expect all things. That isn't good for you or for me. I am trying to stay out of your way so you can become a man. That is what you need to do. You need to figure it all out for yourself and take complete care of yourself. He said he had several appointments with different people around town about jobs and somewhere to live into this week, plus he was going to the Y to start working out there as you can go there for free if you are homeless. I said that sounds good. I hope you get some results. And I said I will help you get a bike if you get a job and a place to live and you need one. He said okay. He had asked me last week if I have an extra bike and after two hours of agonizing about my answer, SO told me, just answer the question. Do you have an extra bike? I don't. So I wrote back (FB message): I don't have an extra bike. I am sorry. Wow. That was huge. I wanted to complicate it all up and got all twisted up about whether I should go buy a bike, tell him to find a bike and I will pay for it, blah blah. SO said just answer the question he asked and no more. Back to the car: It was a very civilized conversation and when we parted we hugged hard and said I love you. I said, please keep in touch and he said he would. He didn't ask for anything, not even a ride somewhere. I don't know. I feel like this is real progress on both sides of the street---his side and my side. I am going to TRY with all of my power and might and your help to continue to stay out of his way as much as I can and just have these very small meetings from time to time. I haven't taken him to lunch or dinner, had him here, or anything. I think that is how it needs to be right now. I am a little bit hopeful that maybe he will make something good happen but I don't want to get too invested and keep my head on straight about his. It is what it is. It's completely up to him. I am slowly figuring out this very strange relationship between myself---living in a 3000 square foot house all by myself about 2 miles from the day shelter where my homeless son eats breakfast and lunch every day and figures out where he will stay every night. It is what it needs to be. [/QUOTE]
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