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What's happening to me in detachment...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 623747" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Good Morning to my dear community. I told SO this morning, I have to let my "peeps" know how things are. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> He smiled. He is so glad you are all here for me. </p><p></p><p>I had briefly gotten on here yesterday and saw your posts, and was so warmed by them, but I have been running fast and hard with a lot to get done this week so haven't stopped to post, until now. Thank you so much for this caring community and for your words of comfort and support. </p><p></p><p>God is very good. He has given me much to do this week that must be done. As you know, I'm in grad school (one class at a time! I'll be 100 by the time I get my master's, but so what?) and Monday night we got our take-home midterm due this coming Monday night and it's a bear! I'm working on it every day for at least one to two hours, plus everything else. My business is very busy as well. The grass is growing, and I'm going to be mowing it for the second time this week. Part of my own set of tools. </p><p></p><p>Plus all of the stuff with difficult child. As you know, Thursday morning he called twice from the jail, and then I went to the day shelter to see about the money plus his backpack. Meeting with Heather, the social worker, was an unexpected gift. She is a very kind and compassionate person and believes in difficult child and the fact he has made progress. She also gently confirmed my decision not to bail him out of jail.</p><p></p><p>Friday morning I talked with my best friend for a while, cried and cried, and then I let my sister know, cried and cried. Crying is so therapeutic and I don't try to hold it back like I used to. And it doesn't exhaust me as much as it used to. I was able to go on with my morning yesterday and still get a lot done. Then I went down to the County offices to see about the driver's license fine as I told difficult child I would, taking the $50 with me from his dad. So...another God thing...the person in charge of the fines is someone I know, someone I used to go to church with. She also shared with me her meeting of a couple of weeks ago with difficult child and the good things she heard and saw in him at that meeting. She has reduced the fine to the lowest monthly amount possible---$20. She also got more information from me about the warrant and his arrest Wed. night at Wal-mart. Plus details about how much he owes today. She also hugged me, was very caring and compassionate and gave me her card if she can help with anything.</p><p></p><p>What a blessing.</p><p></p><p>I am considering paying the $20 per month but I haven't decided that yet. </p><p></p><p>I emailed difficult child's dad and brother and let them know about the above. It is affirming to see that others believe he has made and is making progress, even though.</p><p></p><p>The warrant detailed exactly what he stole. Yes, it was food, but also a six-pack of beer and an X-box controller. He put it all in a cart and just proceeded to walk directly out of the store. Got stopped by an internal person. The total was $94. So, yes he told the truth about the food, but of course, left out the beer and the controller. </p><p></p><p>Sounds like he was going to have a party after getting the job that...very. same. day. Ironic, isn't it? He can make a good decision for himself and then self-sabotages for whatever reason---arrogance, grandiosity, I'm-not-going-to-follow-rules, I did something good, now I have to do something bad, fear or failure...whatever the reason. Whatever the reason, and it really doesn't matter what the reason is, it shows how much he needs help. </p><p></p><p>And then my parents emailed me and my ex-husband to ask the both of us if we wanted them to talk to him and bail him out so he can start his job on Monday as planned. My dear, sweet parents. </p><p></p><p>I called them---got them both on the phone at the same time---and did a lot of listening to their pain. They were so hopeful when difficult child got a job, only to be dashed to the bottom by this news. I so understand that feeling, and then the compulsion to do something, do anything, to stop the insanity. To prevent him from going to prison. </p><p></p><p>My mother kept saying, we just want him to know we love him and he hasn't been forgotten and we are here for him. Her voice was shaking. My dad is trying to do the corporate-reasoning thing, if this, then that. Neither of them understands addiction. </p><p></p><p>We talked for a while and my dad asked a lot of questions. He wants to know if difficult child has an underlying mental illness and if that can be causing this crazy behavior. He wanted to know if I thought that getting to work at that job on Monday would be a good thing for him, and thus the bail. On and on with the questions. </p><p></p><p>Of course, I tried to give some facts, as many as I thought they could handle, about addiction being a primary diagnosis and that it must be treated before it is possible for even the professionals to evaluate a second or third co-occurring diagnosis. </p><p></p><p>They kept saying, we don't want to do something you don't agree with or think we should do. I gently said, let's not do anything today. </p><p></p><p>I told SO later, I couldn't just straight out say don't do it. Today, I can be more direct, but I was being gentle as I used to be right where they are, today, loving someone and having your heart broken so badly by their self-destruction and just feeling crazed about taking some sort of action.</p><p></p><p>Except as we all know here, there usually just is no action to take. Our human selves can't grasp that, hardly. It is nearly too hard to grasp. That we have to stand down and stand aside and let our own precious adult children, our difficult children, manage their own lives. </p><p></p><p>I slept well last night. I am okay today. I am going through the cycle of grief---I can feel it. I will likely have to cry again today. I will likely get angry again today. I will likely feel despair about difficult child today. And then I will likely feel acceptance again. </p><p></p><p>He has a hearing on Monday. According to the paperwork I was given, he is pleading guilty. He will spend 60 days in jail, if no one bails him out, for this misdemeanor. He is banned from all WalMart stores in this area. He will get out actually in 40 days because of the 30% reduction rule here, and then his PO will decide if he is going to "violate" him on the larger felony probation. If he does, he will go to prison, presumably for four years, but I don't know how they handle reductions or if they do reductions. If not, he will be out on the street again to start it all over again.</p><p></p><p>I will likely go and see him in jail this time. I told SO today, I think I can do that now. I am continuing to progress myself, and have done a lot of accepting since Feb. 14 and I am now able to see him and feel less compulsion. </p><p></p><p>The things I said to him on the phone Thursday I said for myself. I know my words and my actions or inactions aren't going to play a factor in what he does or doesn't do. </p><p></p><p>Who knows, friends? This journey is ugly. But perhaps this is exactly the journey he must take to get to where he needs to go. </p><p></p><p>I can't get in the way of whatever path he is on. He must find his own way, this wonderful young man who I love so much who is in the iron grip of this horrible, dreadful, powerful, baffling disease. </p><p></p><p>There is so much help there for him. If he would only take it. Maybe he will, this time. </p><p></p><p>I am good today, even though. A large part of that is the words each of you posts on this board, my working out my own story in my responses to you, and the grace that we offer each other to be right where we are, doing the best we can, each of us in our own, way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 623747, member: 17542"] Good Morning to my dear community. I told SO this morning, I have to let my "peeps" know how things are. :) He smiled. He is so glad you are all here for me. I had briefly gotten on here yesterday and saw your posts, and was so warmed by them, but I have been running fast and hard with a lot to get done this week so haven't stopped to post, until now. Thank you so much for this caring community and for your words of comfort and support. God is very good. He has given me much to do this week that must be done. As you know, I'm in grad school (one class at a time! I'll be 100 by the time I get my master's, but so what?) and Monday night we got our take-home midterm due this coming Monday night and it's a bear! I'm working on it every day for at least one to two hours, plus everything else. My business is very busy as well. The grass is growing, and I'm going to be mowing it for the second time this week. Part of my own set of tools. Plus all of the stuff with difficult child. As you know, Thursday morning he called twice from the jail, and then I went to the day shelter to see about the money plus his backpack. Meeting with Heather, the social worker, was an unexpected gift. She is a very kind and compassionate person and believes in difficult child and the fact he has made progress. She also gently confirmed my decision not to bail him out of jail. Friday morning I talked with my best friend for a while, cried and cried, and then I let my sister know, cried and cried. Crying is so therapeutic and I don't try to hold it back like I used to. And it doesn't exhaust me as much as it used to. I was able to go on with my morning yesterday and still get a lot done. Then I went down to the County offices to see about the driver's license fine as I told difficult child I would, taking the $50 with me from his dad. So...another God thing...the person in charge of the fines is someone I know, someone I used to go to church with. She also shared with me her meeting of a couple of weeks ago with difficult child and the good things she heard and saw in him at that meeting. She has reduced the fine to the lowest monthly amount possible---$20. She also got more information from me about the warrant and his arrest Wed. night at Wal-mart. Plus details about how much he owes today. She also hugged me, was very caring and compassionate and gave me her card if she can help with anything. What a blessing. I am considering paying the $20 per month but I haven't decided that yet. I emailed difficult child's dad and brother and let them know about the above. It is affirming to see that others believe he has made and is making progress, even though. The warrant detailed exactly what he stole. Yes, it was food, but also a six-pack of beer and an X-box controller. He put it all in a cart and just proceeded to walk directly out of the store. Got stopped by an internal person. The total was $94. So, yes he told the truth about the food, but of course, left out the beer and the controller. Sounds like he was going to have a party after getting the job that...very. same. day. Ironic, isn't it? He can make a good decision for himself and then self-sabotages for whatever reason---arrogance, grandiosity, I'm-not-going-to-follow-rules, I did something good, now I have to do something bad, fear or failure...whatever the reason. Whatever the reason, and it really doesn't matter what the reason is, it shows how much he needs help. And then my parents emailed me and my ex-husband to ask the both of us if we wanted them to talk to him and bail him out so he can start his job on Monday as planned. My dear, sweet parents. I called them---got them both on the phone at the same time---and did a lot of listening to their pain. They were so hopeful when difficult child got a job, only to be dashed to the bottom by this news. I so understand that feeling, and then the compulsion to do something, do anything, to stop the insanity. To prevent him from going to prison. My mother kept saying, we just want him to know we love him and he hasn't been forgotten and we are here for him. Her voice was shaking. My dad is trying to do the corporate-reasoning thing, if this, then that. Neither of them understands addiction. We talked for a while and my dad asked a lot of questions. He wants to know if difficult child has an underlying mental illness and if that can be causing this crazy behavior. He wanted to know if I thought that getting to work at that job on Monday would be a good thing for him, and thus the bail. On and on with the questions. Of course, I tried to give some facts, as many as I thought they could handle, about addiction being a primary diagnosis and that it must be treated before it is possible for even the professionals to evaluate a second or third co-occurring diagnosis. They kept saying, we don't want to do something you don't agree with or think we should do. I gently said, let's not do anything today. I told SO later, I couldn't just straight out say don't do it. Today, I can be more direct, but I was being gentle as I used to be right where they are, today, loving someone and having your heart broken so badly by their self-destruction and just feeling crazed about taking some sort of action. Except as we all know here, there usually just is no action to take. Our human selves can't grasp that, hardly. It is nearly too hard to grasp. That we have to stand down and stand aside and let our own precious adult children, our difficult children, manage their own lives. I slept well last night. I am okay today. I am going through the cycle of grief---I can feel it. I will likely have to cry again today. I will likely get angry again today. I will likely feel despair about difficult child today. And then I will likely feel acceptance again. He has a hearing on Monday. According to the paperwork I was given, he is pleading guilty. He will spend 60 days in jail, if no one bails him out, for this misdemeanor. He is banned from all WalMart stores in this area. He will get out actually in 40 days because of the 30% reduction rule here, and then his PO will decide if he is going to "violate" him on the larger felony probation. If he does, he will go to prison, presumably for four years, but I don't know how they handle reductions or if they do reductions. If not, he will be out on the street again to start it all over again. I will likely go and see him in jail this time. I told SO today, I think I can do that now. I am continuing to progress myself, and have done a lot of accepting since Feb. 14 and I am now able to see him and feel less compulsion. The things I said to him on the phone Thursday I said for myself. I know my words and my actions or inactions aren't going to play a factor in what he does or doesn't do. Who knows, friends? This journey is ugly. But perhaps this is exactly the journey he must take to get to where he needs to go. I can't get in the way of whatever path he is on. He must find his own way, this wonderful young man who I love so much who is in the iron grip of this horrible, dreadful, powerful, baffling disease. There is so much help there for him. If he would only take it. Maybe he will, this time. I am good today, even though. A large part of that is the words each of you posts on this board, my working out my own story in my responses to you, and the grace that we offer each other to be right where we are, doing the best we can, each of us in our own, way. [/QUOTE]
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