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What's happening to me in detachment...
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 623894" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Child,</p><p></p><p>this is a good place to say it all again to some one...I hope that putting it here helps to put it aside and go on.</p><p></p><p>I don't think there is anything wrong with re-visiting the question of "is there anything that would help and if so how would that happen?" It's OK to turn that prism over and over until we are sure that, for now, this time, we have considered all options. It's OK. </p><p></p><p>It's OK to check in with us, with SO, with other people you like and respect about options, and about your choices as well. You have a strong core. You won't be driven off track. Pushing on the walls, on the envelope a bit to be sure it is still sound is healthy. Go ahead and do that...then put it aside and go on.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what difficult child will do. He may feel that at least now he has the next four years taken care of. I don't know why he can't manage. I don't know why he stole an x0box and told you he was hungry. </p><p></p><p>I do know you have loved him, cared for him, and respected him enough to let him make his own decisions and not rescue him. He can't learn self-rescue out of thin air...he has to practice it, live it. You have stretched waaaay out of your comfort zone, your mommy instincts, and are letting him practice. He fell down...or maybe he didn't. Maybe he did what he wanted, got what he wanted.</p><p></p><p>A little anecdote...my SO was (and probably still is) a difficult child. Grew up wild and independent and unparented, the parentified child. Now he is a rescuer, god bless him. He rescues his daughter all the time..money, housing trips, car insurance, you name it...and you know what? she is a difficult child too. </p><p></p><p>The thing I hear from both of them all the time, in the most loving possible manner (here is where it intersects with our mom-to-difficult child behavior) is..."its too hard, you don't have to do it" or "it is not your fault".</p><p></p><p>Once I took a trapeze class and when I got to the top of the platform I froze...cause...guess what...I am afraid of heights!!! SO stood on the ground watching me...and gestured his love and support. the gestures said "you don't have to do this. I will come get you. It is OK to come down."</p><p></p><p>Before our recent amily trip I totally messed up one of my son's passport, (it expired about a month after our return, but had to be valid for 90 more days). We left him at the airport (he came and joined us three days later, happy ending). SO's daughter said to me "its not your fault." Uh...yes it is. And it is mine to figure out (seeing as how said son was only 15). I thought to myself...what if the response to everything in life is "its not your (my, her, our) fault?" Then we are just victims of fate, buffetted by bad luck? what good is that? how can you live securely thinking that nothing is your fault, nothing can be impacted by your choices?</p><p></p><p>When I was about 10 I climbed a tree...sat in the nice crook of it for a while, about 8 feet off the ground. Then...I couldn't figure out how to get down. At all. I called and called for my mom, and finally she showed up. She studied me for a long moment...then she said "you got up, I'm sure you can figure out how to get down'" and she went back inside. </p><p></p><p>What was SO supposed to say to me , up on the trapeze? what felt good and loving and supportive to me? he was supposed to say what my mom would have said "you can do it. You'll be fine." That feels like loving faith and support to me. SO's comment felt undermining, as though I were weak, as though I really couldn't do it. </p><p></p><p>I jumped off the trapeze, in the end, and flew through the air. I got down from the tree sputtering and indignant. I fixed the passport. Because I knew I could do all those things (well I wasn't sure about the passport), although for minute I wanted SO to come rescue me, get me off the dang platform...but I would have regretted it for a long while, that sense of weakness, incompetence come to fruition.</p><p></p><p>Does that make sense? We all fall into the trap of telling our difficult child's Its not your fault, its too hard for you, you don't have to do it, I'll come get you.</p><p></p><p>They'll never fly off the trapeze, ever, if you do that. They may not anyway. But at least they can choose.</p><p></p><p>You gave him the opportunity to choose, and he chose. He is in control of his own life. </p><p></p><p>Life is long, Child. It may take him another 10 rounds, who knows. He may like it this way, who knows. Keep doing what you are doing. You are well and sound, he knows you love him, and is even beginning to get the idea that you have faith in him.</p><p></p><p>Now put it aside and go on with your masters, your business, your church, your SO. Keep on with us. Keep loving your son as you have so earnestly and faithfully done. </p><p></p><p>We are here for you. I am here for you.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 623894, member: 17269"] Child, this is a good place to say it all again to some one...I hope that putting it here helps to put it aside and go on. I don't think there is anything wrong with re-visiting the question of "is there anything that would help and if so how would that happen?" It's OK to turn that prism over and over until we are sure that, for now, this time, we have considered all options. It's OK. It's OK to check in with us, with SO, with other people you like and respect about options, and about your choices as well. You have a strong core. You won't be driven off track. Pushing on the walls, on the envelope a bit to be sure it is still sound is healthy. Go ahead and do that...then put it aside and go on. I don't know what difficult child will do. He may feel that at least now he has the next four years taken care of. I don't know why he can't manage. I don't know why he stole an x0box and told you he was hungry. I do know you have loved him, cared for him, and respected him enough to let him make his own decisions and not rescue him. He can't learn self-rescue out of thin air...he has to practice it, live it. You have stretched waaaay out of your comfort zone, your mommy instincts, and are letting him practice. He fell down...or maybe he didn't. Maybe he did what he wanted, got what he wanted. A little anecdote...my SO was (and probably still is) a difficult child. Grew up wild and independent and unparented, the parentified child. Now he is a rescuer, god bless him. He rescues his daughter all the time..money, housing trips, car insurance, you name it...and you know what? she is a difficult child too. The thing I hear from both of them all the time, in the most loving possible manner (here is where it intersects with our mom-to-difficult child behavior) is..."its too hard, you don't have to do it" or "it is not your fault". Once I took a trapeze class and when I got to the top of the platform I froze...cause...guess what...I am afraid of heights!!! SO stood on the ground watching me...and gestured his love and support. the gestures said "you don't have to do this. I will come get you. It is OK to come down." Before our recent amily trip I totally messed up one of my son's passport, (it expired about a month after our return, but had to be valid for 90 more days). We left him at the airport (he came and joined us three days later, happy ending). SO's daughter said to me "its not your fault." Uh...yes it is. And it is mine to figure out (seeing as how said son was only 15). I thought to myself...what if the response to everything in life is "its not your (my, her, our) fault?" Then we are just victims of fate, buffetted by bad luck? what good is that? how can you live securely thinking that nothing is your fault, nothing can be impacted by your choices? When I was about 10 I climbed a tree...sat in the nice crook of it for a while, about 8 feet off the ground. Then...I couldn't figure out how to get down. At all. I called and called for my mom, and finally she showed up. She studied me for a long moment...then she said "you got up, I'm sure you can figure out how to get down'" and she went back inside. What was SO supposed to say to me , up on the trapeze? what felt good and loving and supportive to me? he was supposed to say what my mom would have said "you can do it. You'll be fine." That feels like loving faith and support to me. SO's comment felt undermining, as though I were weak, as though I really couldn't do it. I jumped off the trapeze, in the end, and flew through the air. I got down from the tree sputtering and indignant. I fixed the passport. Because I knew I could do all those things (well I wasn't sure about the passport), although for minute I wanted SO to come rescue me, get me off the dang platform...but I would have regretted it for a long while, that sense of weakness, incompetence come to fruition. Does that make sense? We all fall into the trap of telling our difficult child's Its not your fault, its too hard for you, you don't have to do it, I'll come get you. They'll never fly off the trapeze, ever, if you do that. They may not anyway. But at least they can choose. You gave him the opportunity to choose, and he chose. He is in control of his own life. Life is long, Child. It may take him another 10 rounds, who knows. He may like it this way, who knows. Keep doing what you are doing. You are well and sound, he knows you love him, and is even beginning to get the idea that you have faith in him. Now put it aside and go on with your masters, your business, your church, your SO. Keep on with us. Keep loving your son as you have so earnestly and faithfully done. We are here for you. I am here for you. Echo [/QUOTE]
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