When a child abuses his sibling

[losttheplot]

MY difficult child has done it this wk...he finally got me to cry after 7 yrs of not losing it.... his behavior is escalating to the point where we are scared of him and he is a walking time bomb... easy child is now wetting the bed every night cause she is too scared to walk past his bedroom to go to the toilet......she is hiding behind me whenever he is home......

She has learned that anything we do together including a trip to Nana's must be kept a secret so as not to get her hurt when he hits her in the back or stomach in retaliation.

he has ripped kids work at class and hit another girl in th head(she went home cause she was dizzy)... They say he is acting silly most of the day..... he went into PCs room last night with scissors and cut the hair off every doll she owns and then hid it all in the drawers....

when i was putting clothes away I found it and questioned him.....he said i never did it...then he said she made him do it.... then he smiled and said ahh well.... I left the room in tears and he told me to shut the F&*% up cause he wanted to go to sleep.... and went to sleep.....

I broke down and was to the point of having him committed....this morning he didn't apologize but told me that he doesn't care about anyone else stuff, that he will break whatever he wants and than as long as his stuff is ok who the F cares.......

easy child is too scared to sleep in her own room and is now in my bed every night.....I only have to raise my voice and she loses it and cant be consoled for ages......she is to tears and overly emotional.....he made my belt into a whip and went after her and started to whip her and she freaked... he has threatened to kill her and tells her every 5 mins he hates her......

I wonder where in the world I have gone wrong?..... why cant i seem to get through to him? he has no emotion...he just stands there and looks into my eyes and either laughs or turns off.....i am losing this battle and I feel like If i cant get thru this we might just lose the whole War.....

I have been reading up on sibling abuse and didn't realize that its more common that child abuse......but less noticed cause we chalk it up to rivalry...well this is past rivalry...this is emotional, physical ... and I have no where else to turn....

I am ready for a nervous break down I think...... and I just need to vent and know if anyone has been here and if they made it thru maybe we ill too.....

 

[Wiped Out]

It sounds to me like he needs hospitalization. I would be calling the psychiatrist every time he is threatening. It isn't right that your daughter should have to be so scared. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Gentle hugs.

 

[amazeofgrace]

Oh sweetie let me join you and we can both rock back and forth on the floor together. I wish I could say you'll survive, I am also wondering myself what 2morrow holds, forget about 10 years from now.


Not to hit you with a gazillion ?'s.
What medications is difficult child on? I am on the fence about Lithium for my difficult child II.
As much as I hate going for emergency psychiatric evaluations I think your difficult child needs one and I would not leave with him, I would insist on him being admitted. Is social services involved? If they are I would utilize every service they have available. In home therapist, behavior therapist, shoot for the highest level of care, based on what you're saying , you should qualify for it.

 

[smallworld]

Is there a psychiatric hospital or children's hospital with a psychiatric unit in Sydney? If so, can you bring him to the emergency room for an evaluation?

You didn't do anything wrong. Your son is very ill and needs treatment for all of your sakes.

 

[Christy]

I agree with Smallworld. He is a danger to himself and others at this point.

I hope you can find the help he needs. Best wishes.
Christy

 

[OpenWindow]

I too understand. I wish I could tell you it was going to get better but in our case, it hasn't yet.

The only thing I've found that keeps him from destroying other people's property is to immediately take away his favorite toy/book/video game and not give it back for a very long time. We have a big box of his things that were taken away last year (one at a time) and he has yet to earn them back.

I wish I had an answer for how to stop him from threatening his little sister. Maybe taking his property away would work in this case too - I haven't tried that.

We are waiting to hear what services we'll be eligible for now that we will most likely be identified as a FINS (Family in Need of Services). We requested and got it when we were in Missouri, and we asked and didn't get very far when we moved to Arkansas, but now they've found us. I'm not sure if you have anything like that in Sydney, but if you do I'd request any services you can get.

What does the psychiatrist say? I'm with the others that an ER evaluation may be in order, but it may help if the psychiatrist is on board.

Linda

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry. I know how painful this is for a mom. We actually had to have eyes on a child 24/7 for a number of years because we kept getting told that it couldn't be that bad. HAH! It WAS. And watching them that closely, to the point of each taking the same sex child to the restroom, is just not helpful to anyone. Not anyone.

I hope and pray you can find services in Syndney. We have one longtime member from Australia, not sure if Marg can give you any helpful advice. She is sure helpful most of the timethough.

Susie

 

[katya02]

So sorry you are going through this ... but please don't berate yourself. This is not your fault, you did not go wrong somewhere. We had to deal with a similar situation, where difficult child was about 9 years old and threatened (and tried) to kill his younger brother. We had to have him admitted. It sounds like your difficult child needs admission too, and your daughter needs protection. I hope there are wraparound services of some type that will consider your daughter's needs as well as your difficult child's.

If you do whatever is necessary to protect your daughter and yourself, that will also be the best thing for your difficult child. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

PLEASE don't blame yourself. Raising difficult children is not for the faint of heart.

 

[Marguerite]

With what you describe, and what you have shared here in the past of his history, can you get anywhere NOW with doctors etc in terms of getting him some REAL help?

If you can't get the severity of the problems through their thick skulls, what if you try to set up a meeting and involve someone from school, someone from his health team etc and see if they can meet? Failing that, are you using a communication book? We used to take difficult child 3's communication book to the specialist, it was as good as having his teachers present at the consult. That way, if the doctor thought I was making things up or exaggerating, then the book told him otherwise.

Anything you have in writing from the teachers, hang onto it and show it to the doctors.

You need to get outside help, sooner. You need it, your daughter needs it, he needs it.

He is terrorising you all NOW. Imagine how it will be if tis continues unchecked, and you all endure years more of it? And by then, he will be bigger, stronger, and much more skilled at torture.

Whatever is causing this, it needs to be identified and treated.

Do not feel a failure for getting outside help. Do not let ANYONE make you feel like you're making it up, or trying to get attention, or that you're a bad parent. You are not a bad parent in any way.

But it's time to stand up and say, "enough!"

I've just done some digging online, made a few anonymous calls to contacts and found a few possibilities. I've not listed things I know you've already tried, or things which are likely to be nothing more than someone handing you a cup of tea and saying, "there, there" after a six month wait to get in; but have you tried Redbank House? I haven't spoken to them, I don't know anything more than I read on the website.

Other suggestions - maybe you've already tried with no result, I don't know - Parentline NSW, on 13 20 55. It's a 24 hour service. They may offer you nothing more than virtual cups of tea, or they may have more practical referral suggestions.

The Redbank site looked interesting, the family referral option especially. Whether they would take you on board, or what their entry requirements are, I just don't know. I don't want to make too many enquiries because it's YOUR story, not mine. I don't want to make too specific an enquiry because when you call them, it needs to be nothing that sounds familiar to them. I just enquired in general terms - "who would you call if you have concerns about your primary school child's mental health, and your child is self-harming as well as harming others in the house?"

I think Redbank are based in or near Westmead. Is this any use?

Marg