When a family cares too much....

[timer lady]

Thank you all for your combined wisdom.

Busy, I'd like to think that is the case ~ a caring family. However, my family, as supportive as they can be, cannot just listen; they need to fix. Everything. After all the years with the tweedles, I've learned that isn't possible.

Fran, the speech issues are from the illness ~ not the pain medications. Some days are better; others are worse.

My family is 325 miles away & have no clue on my abilities to function on a daily basis.

After seeing my neuro doctor on Saturday & talking with psychiatrist this morning I will be doing several things. Changing passwords & such on my accounts. Contacting an attorney to see exactly what my rights are regarding my capabilities (I'm not incompetent), my children, my home, etc.

This started when I asked my older & younger brothers if they would consider becoming my financial POA if needed; my sisters if they would become my medical POA & guardians for the tweedles. There have been no legal documents drawn up yet nor have there been any agreements.

I may be slow but I'm a survivor. I know when I'm in over my head & ask for help (have done so in the past & will do so in the future).

My brother told me last night that everyone just wants me closer to "home" so they can lend a hand but not with kt or wm. That's just cruel.

Thanks again - I'll see how this plays out. So far, neuro doctor & psychiatrist think it's a snowball's chance in he!! that anything will come of this.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry. I do understand their desire to "fix" your life, but not their actions in stepping into your finances. I even understand being tired and ill enough to not put a fuss up when they swoop down on you.

I think their attitude toward your children is very sad and callous. I know they probably see all the problems. I know that life has no easy answers. I am just sorry they refuse to accept that those are YOUR children.

Many hugs. Don't let them railroad you.

 

[mstang67chic]

My brother told me last night that everyone just wants me closer to "home" so they can lend a hand but not with kt or wm. That's just cruel.

Thanks again - I'll see how this plays out. So far, neuro doctor & psychiatrist think it's a snowball's chance in he!! that anything will come of this.

If your family wants to lend a hand, GREAT. But you are not the only member of your family. They can either help with EVERYTHING or back off. You've talked enough about your family that, while they have their faults just like anyone, they do care greatly. But they still need to realize that it's not just you.....you have children and if they buy in, they need to buy the set. I'm sorry but for saying that, your brother needs smacked. Verbally, physically...either one will work but he needs it.

I know you and your father are close. Have you talked to him about this yet? Or is he the one leading the charge? Even if they are all fixers and not listeners, they need to be told they crossed a very large line. It may not change their feelings and you may need to repeat it to them often, but they need to know. Call, email, write a letter....whatever. But however you do it, tell them all the same thing. If you call, write it out ahead of time and say to whoever you're talking to that "I have something I need to say. Please don't interrupt, just let me finish. Once I'm done, think on it and call me back. We can talk then." If you email, tell them to think on it and wait a day or two to call and then start screening your calls.

Even the most caring and level headed people go off on well intentioned but unnecessary tangents at times. I hope I'm wrong, but I think there will be some hurt feelings all around when you put your foot down, as I'm sure you already know. Just be ready for it and try to put on some extra armor. If you want to vent, rant and rave out loud, call one of us. You can say even the worst of things to us, get it out and not have to worry about hurting any family member's feelings or burning bridges.

I also want to say Linda....I know I only see what you put here and was only around you at dinner in Cleveland. But....I have a great amount of respect and admiration for you and coming from me, that's saying something. There really aren't too many people who earn that in my book. I've dealt with too many hypocrites or ignorant people who seem to cut my respect for them in half every time they open their mouth. The way you handle the tweedles, their respective teams, educators, docs...everyone, has me in awe. You have such grace, patience and purpose....I can only hope to be half the person you are. I know you aren't perfect and you have your moments of doubt and confusion as we all do. But you just have a way about you that ....I really don't know how to put it. Just know that as much as you talk of being thankful for this board and the support you get from it, the same can be said of you. I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say that this board, and the world is a much better place with you in it and I for one am a better person for knowing you.

You will get through this and we are right here with you. HUGS.

 

[totoro]

I don't have much to add, but wanted you to know that you and the Tweedles are in my thoughts so much right now.

You still make sense, you are one of the wisest women on the board.

 

[Fran]

Linda, I know it's from the illness but what I'm saying is that they may not get that. If your family could hear from your doctor that you are not addicted to drugs or mentally challenged then maybe they would let you alone.

If they don't want to deal with your kids, then that's their choice but maybe they aren't the best POA for you.

Seems like a lot of drama over medical and legal POA. I'm sorry for you.

 

[timer lady]

Fran, thanks for clarifying things. I know my family doesn't get it ~ they are too far away & the visits too sporadic to understand the situation. They are worried about addiction while my docs are worried about pain control so I can function.

My psychiatrist this morning chuckled at my comment regarding my sister in law being a "know it all takeover RN". No offense intended to RN's as a whole.

I always felt my family would be my best resource for POA - it may not be that way.

I'm looking at my options carefully & will have a pointed discussion at the upcoming get together in Sept.

 

[DazedandConfused]

I have a ton of comments, but it would only be helpful to me to get them off my chest. I'm floored at the tweedles comment. I suppose it is best to know where he stand, though.

I chuckled @ "know it all takeover RN". I know someone like that caused a lot of grief when my stepfather had his fatal heart attack. Of course, not all RNs are that way. Those that are sure seem to share the same traits.

It sounds like you are considering your options and come across as lucid and determined.

Sending supportive ((((hugs))))

 

[DDD]

I have to toss in here. My difficult child never was invited to spend time with my family without me there...or with easy child's. My Asperger's gs difficult child has only been invited by my oldest easy child to spend time at her home. As much as everyone has always loved easy child/difficult child, he is not invited to do a vacation week anymore like he was before the brain injury and the addiction onset.

It may not be "nice" but I understand. Children with problems are stressful or have the potential for interjecting the unpredicatable. Most of us prefer the comfort of sameness in daily living. In theory we would all embrace each other and all the family members in love and joy. I don't think that is realistic.

What I do think is realistic is feeling safe sharing "some" of the anguish that comes from parenting a special needs child or children. Families usually love their sibling or offspring. That same love does not pass on to the next generation. Usually the special children have not spent enough time with the extended family to have bonded....even when they live in the same community.

I don't think your situation is that unusual, Linda. The POA brings a long term burden and responsibility. I bet fewer than 20% of parents with special kids have anyone jumping to make a commitment. Hugs. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

DDD...that is a sad commentary on life. I could not turn away one of my own grandchildren no matter what. I have no siblings so I cant say what I would do if it was one of my siblings children.

I can say that one of Tony's brothers had a baby who was born drug and alcohol addicted and the state took it. We did talk for a short time about attempting to get the baby but this was at the same time Keyana was born so we were both older, I have my own health issues, and we arent very financially stable. We werent sure if they would even consider us since we live out of that state. Then a couple who are doctor's came forward who wanted to adopt that baby so it was a moot point. Baby went to a much better home than even we could have given her. We would have taken her if all else had failed though. I just shake my head at having to start all over at my age with what I am sure would have been a 3 year old difficult child!

 

[Nomad]

Usually the special children have not spent enough time with the extended family to have bonded....even when they live in the same community.

I don't think your situation is that unusual, Linda. The POA brings a long term burden and responsibility. I bet fewer than 20% of parents with special kids have anyone jumping to make a commitment. Hugs. DDD

FWIW (thank you to the lovely lady here who explained this expression to me), daughter's remark above is totally familiar in my world.

My difficult child has not spent much time at all with extended family members. We have had the pleasure of adding to our family recently by marriage and she is doing the same...not taking advantage of opportunities to meet others.

Additionally, family (we have a tiny family) and friends over the years have not jumped in to help us with her. One time a family member did and they were burned badly by difficult child doing her "thing."

One can't really expect them to fully understand the situation. husband and I have talked about this a lot...and I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to be a guardian.

I have one very close friend and I have only asked me to help with difficult child perhaps for an over night sleep over once or twice and to call her a few times when we are out of town. This is over a twenty year period.

husband and I are still struggling about "will" issues...I suppose my friend is closest to the situation.


However, with reference to your family being overly inquistive about your medications and financial affairs...I am very glad you have either consulted an attorney or are planning to and that you have already mentioned this to your doctors.

I DO wonder if you could figure out who is the ring leader in this move to bring you in closer. Is this what you want? If you know who is orchestrating all of this, perhaps you can talk with- him or her. Linda, perhaps you might want to consider moving (closer to family) if you don't feel better by a certain point in time. Or five years down the road. Perhaps if you assure your family that this is not out of the question at some future point in time, but it is not in your current time frame, they will back off. IN the mean time, do all your little "things" to feel more secure about your independence.

by the way, as I have mentioned to you before, the medications taken for certain things can cause cognitive issues. Please think about this supplement called "PS." Check it out at www.iherb.com. I take it. difficult child just started to take it and we noticed something immediately. Better memory! I have a good friend taking it...it noticeably helps with- memory. It helps those with ADD, people on anti seizure medications that cause dulling and those with other memory related issues...any number of things.

 

[Wiped Out]

Nothing more to add. I agree that it's a matter of caring too much. As always saying prayers and sending hugs.

 

[susiestar]

As I posted on the thread about cracking up over what the niece said, I really think the niece who visited has played a role in this. My bet is that she, with good intentions probably, exaggerated some things or misunderstood them or was misunderstood and now the family is all riled up to "fix" you (as if you were a broken washing machine or something!) and to "save" you from the tweedles.

keeping in mind the niece may have embellished or overstated things may help you keep from biting the heads off of the family members who overstepped the boundaries.

I do think you need an attorney to make sure you are fully protected from the "helpful" family, esp after the pressure right after your husband died to give some family members your car, computer, etc....

 

[Star*]

Linda,

Well the Lion in me wanted to jump in and defend my friend and the Crow in me said to sit back and take a long time to comment on this because there are so many dynamics to this post. For what it's worth I think you've figured out a lot on your own, but would have to ask this as painful as it is and since I do consider myself your friend I am going to ask - no reply necessary as again, I'm a friend. This is more or less one of those - here's this situation what do you think Linda question. Mkay -

First, I do not think you are brain damaged to the point of needing a POW. I do not think you need someone to check your bank finances and I think the sister in law that got your passwords and went right for the money was being a snoop. Susie* asked if this was the same brother in law/sister in law that asked for the van/the computer and money from the home repairs. I think it must be. If it is - you have problems. If they get POA - they're selling your home and the tweedles are left with nothing. My first thought.

Second thing then that comes to mind- IF you WERE so badly damaged that you couldn't take care of yourself physically or got in an accident or did (God forbid) have an episode of something that took your life - who is in charge? Who has keys to your home? Who has keys to your safe deposit box? Who is a signatore on your box? Who is your next of kin? Who will handle your finances/will/guardianship of the tweedles? Have you made a video for them? Do you update it regularly with YOUR wishes and thoughts, moments in time and wishes for their future? Things you would want them to know in the unlikely event of your passing? Does your attorney have a copy? Would someone know where to find this in your home? Do you have a living will? Do you have a Do not recuissitate wish? Are you an organ donor? Do you carry a card in your wallet at all times listing ALL your medication names and dosages? (Mine says see list in purse) lol.

Do you have things inventoried IN your home with your home-owners insurance agent and does your lawyer have a copy of THAT in the event of your passing WITH a list of who is to get what to avoid arguments? If you were NOT to pass away - but become debilitated and not in control of your functions - would those things be listed to sell to offset your health care? Do you or have you considered paying NOW for long-term health care so someone doesn't shove you in a corner in a nursing home but so that you get better quality care if it comes to that?

You can't imagine why I know this stuff.....and how much I hate even telling someone your age about it - it's morbid. I know you haven't even gone through the grief of your loving husband or had proper mourning for him because you've had to keep going...and that's not fair. But neither would you sitting somewhere in and out of reality wondering what is happening to the house, the money - the car, the china, the jewelry. There needs to be these things to keep people honest - and to keep people from feuding.

If it's all supposed to go to your children - then you had better speak up NOW while you are healthy enough to do so and give a lions roar. I think a lot of times (as an adopted person) that family (blood relatives) think because you are adopted it exempts you from "getting" an inheritance or that you are less than because you aren't "real" family. Add a mental disorder to the mix and all of a sudden your kid is the "nutty" one that isn't a real family member and wouldn't know the difference.

I don't know your family - but most of them, or what you've told us about them has been so loving and helpful....except for the van/computer people I don't think any of the others were anything but caring. So for the most part I just think they are trying to help - but maybe in trying to help they just tried to like you said care too much, but this could be a wake up call for you. ????

Hope I didn't step on any toes - just trying to think of all the things that we had to go through and offer reminders of things that can happen....it's just so morbid - but necessary. I hated our "estate" (yeah right) planner for months.

Hugs
Star