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When are we assuming too much?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 621569" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Well, if it was me, I never tell anyone what to do. I post my own thoughts and say that people should take what they find useful and discard the rest. I wish I had started younger with my own mentally ill son to take responsibility for his illness. He was so ill in college he had to drop out and spent some time on social security and was in ER and suicidal all the time for several years. I also suffered from mental illness all of my life. Of course we bring our own experiences into our responses, but we also TRY, I think, to bring in common sense. After a child turns 18, we can't make that child do anything. The person with that 20 year old daughter, can not force her into treatment nor make her want to improve her mental health.</p><p></p><p>I liken mental health to any health concern. Say somebody had diabetes. Well, let's say two people do. They are young, and shouldn't have to suffer with it, but the cards they were dealt were that they both have diabetes. And that makes them sick, have behavioral issues, make them feel different and sometimes very angry. Most childhood diabetics are in peril of their lives at times. Now...say one child decides, "I am going to live as normal a life as I can, dang it, and I'm going to monitor my blood sugar, eat only waht I should, abstain from alcohol and recreational drugs and take good care of my body so that my life can be almost like everyone else's. That's an attitude that will probably get her far. Now lets go to Adult Child II who I will call difficult child.</p><p></p><p>difficult child is bitter and mad and non-compliant with his treatment. When his friends eat sweets and drink, he doesn't want to feel different and does not think about the future and he does what they do and sometimes he doesn't end up in the hospital. He does not work out...he is told it is good for him, but he is too lazy and tired and doesn't feel well a lot of the time, because of his diabetes, so he lays around. Sometimes he smokes weed to forget about his rotten life and the horrible things that were dealt him. He ends up in the hospital in a coma a few times, and his entire family sits him down, cries, begs and pleads with him to take care of himself and he promises, but as soon as he promises, he is back doing what he always does and ends up sicker and sicker. When this happens, he blames his mom because he is sick and yells at her for not telling him when to take his shots or for not giving him a Playstation III. She is puzzled as he is trying to use his illness to get stuff from her and he is twenty years old, not working, always sick, eating wrong, overweight and he knows what will happen if he doesn't start to take care of himself. He thinks only in the moment and of himself and does not care if his family is afraid they will lose him. He does what he wants to do.</p><p></p><p>What in the world can the parents do to help the second child?</p><p></p><p>Absolutely nothing. Oh, they can nag. They HAVE nagged. It ends up in a fight and he still doesn't change. They can then tell him that if he doesn't take his insulin and try to take care of his health, because THEY CAN NOT DO IT FOR HIM, he is getting his money supply cut off. They have tried doing the opposite too...showering him with extra lover, toys, money, etc. and he was still the same and not respectful or any less dangerous in his behavior.</p><p></p><p>Exactly what do you think we can do to force our children to take care of themselves, whether they are diabetic or mentally ill? I am mentally ill. I am better now because I choose to be the first Child in this story. I know many who chose to be the second child and are sixty and still not well or, bluntly, dead of alcoholism or drug abuse.</p><p></p><p>So what can this woman do to make her child not commit suicide or make an attempt, whether or not it was serious? I made attempts. None were really serious. Can they be serious? Yes! Any of our difficult children can die tomorrow. It is our biggest fear and our nightmare. I was terrified during the entire custody battle that difficult child 36 would kill himself. He not only threatened to do it, he actually had a reason. I would get off the phone and think about what I could do to stop him. There was nothing I could do other than to call 911 if he threatened and I told him I would so he didn't.</p><p></p><p>Nobody is sugesting that this poor mother scream at her kid that she was a bad daughter. We are telling her that she can not do anything about her daughter. She can't. If she comes home, nothing will change except that the entire family will be in chaos, not just the grown child. My daughter managed to use meth right under my nose and I was homeschooling her and I didn't know how she even got the drugs nor did I really know she was doing it. But I do know that my other kids freaked out every time the police came over to check on her and question her. She also grabbed a butcher knife and held it to her throat in front of the young kids who were hysterical. I called 911. It was the only thing I could do. She spent two weeks in a psyche hospital and when she came out she was still not willing to change and the drug parade went on. Finally, finally, we made her leave for many reasons. She was not 36. She was 19 when she had to leave our house. The result? She is clean.</p><p></p><p>So...I don't feel like anyone gave this poster bad advice. You certainly don't have to do what WE choose to do. Nobody here would ever tell you not to bring your son home if that is what you decided. But we all do post our own opinions. Sometimes what somebody says makes me uncomfortable. And I'm sure, being human, it is the same for you. But we do pour our hearts out and we give sincere input. And I feel nobody should be shut down unless the person is being obviously rude.</p><p></p><p>Everyone who posts here has the right to disregard everything/anything that we say. Mental illness is treatable, if the person who is sick WANTS to get treatment. If the person does not, they will stay sick. It is not different from addiction. It takes a committment , not of Mom's part, but on the person's part. Also, I disagree that twenty is not a young adult. I also think it's better to get them to stand on their own two feet at a younger age rather than waiting until they are thirty. And I feel we should all respect one another's reactions and responses because each response helps the poster decide what he/she should do in his personal path. But, no, this is our own journey. We hold hands, but we can't walk for one another. We simply share.</p><p></p><p></p><p>As always, my disclaimer: None of this is absolute fact. Take what you like and leave the rest. Or take all of it and left it. But this is my heartfelt feelings that I have a right to post. As does anyone else.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you a day of serenity and peace, spent happily with yourself and your loved ones who treat you with love and respect.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 621569, member: 1550"] Well, if it was me, I never tell anyone what to do. I post my own thoughts and say that people should take what they find useful and discard the rest. I wish I had started younger with my own mentally ill son to take responsibility for his illness. He was so ill in college he had to drop out and spent some time on social security and was in ER and suicidal all the time for several years. I also suffered from mental illness all of my life. Of course we bring our own experiences into our responses, but we also TRY, I think, to bring in common sense. After a child turns 18, we can't make that child do anything. The person with that 20 year old daughter, can not force her into treatment nor make her want to improve her mental health. I liken mental health to any health concern. Say somebody had diabetes. Well, let's say two people do. They are young, and shouldn't have to suffer with it, but the cards they were dealt were that they both have diabetes. And that makes them sick, have behavioral issues, make them feel different and sometimes very angry. Most childhood diabetics are in peril of their lives at times. Now...say one child decides, "I am going to live as normal a life as I can, dang it, and I'm going to monitor my blood sugar, eat only waht I should, abstain from alcohol and recreational drugs and take good care of my body so that my life can be almost like everyone else's. That's an attitude that will probably get her far. Now lets go to Adult Child II who I will call difficult child. difficult child is bitter and mad and non-compliant with his treatment. When his friends eat sweets and drink, he doesn't want to feel different and does not think about the future and he does what they do and sometimes he doesn't end up in the hospital. He does not work out...he is told it is good for him, but he is too lazy and tired and doesn't feel well a lot of the time, because of his diabetes, so he lays around. Sometimes he smokes weed to forget about his rotten life and the horrible things that were dealt him. He ends up in the hospital in a coma a few times, and his entire family sits him down, cries, begs and pleads with him to take care of himself and he promises, but as soon as he promises, he is back doing what he always does and ends up sicker and sicker. When this happens, he blames his mom because he is sick and yells at her for not telling him when to take his shots or for not giving him a Playstation III. She is puzzled as he is trying to use his illness to get stuff from her and he is twenty years old, not working, always sick, eating wrong, overweight and he knows what will happen if he doesn't start to take care of himself. He thinks only in the moment and of himself and does not care if his family is afraid they will lose him. He does what he wants to do. What in the world can the parents do to help the second child? Absolutely nothing. Oh, they can nag. They HAVE nagged. It ends up in a fight and he still doesn't change. They can then tell him that if he doesn't take his insulin and try to take care of his health, because THEY CAN NOT DO IT FOR HIM, he is getting his money supply cut off. They have tried doing the opposite too...showering him with extra lover, toys, money, etc. and he was still the same and not respectful or any less dangerous in his behavior. Exactly what do you think we can do to force our children to take care of themselves, whether they are diabetic or mentally ill? I am mentally ill. I am better now because I choose to be the first Child in this story. I know many who chose to be the second child and are sixty and still not well or, bluntly, dead of alcoholism or drug abuse. So what can this woman do to make her child not commit suicide or make an attempt, whether or not it was serious? I made attempts. None were really serious. Can they be serious? Yes! Any of our difficult children can die tomorrow. It is our biggest fear and our nightmare. I was terrified during the entire custody battle that difficult child 36 would kill himself. He not only threatened to do it, he actually had a reason. I would get off the phone and think about what I could do to stop him. There was nothing I could do other than to call 911 if he threatened and I told him I would so he didn't. Nobody is sugesting that this poor mother scream at her kid that she was a bad daughter. We are telling her that she can not do anything about her daughter. She can't. If she comes home, nothing will change except that the entire family will be in chaos, not just the grown child. My daughter managed to use meth right under my nose and I was homeschooling her and I didn't know how she even got the drugs nor did I really know she was doing it. But I do know that my other kids freaked out every time the police came over to check on her and question her. She also grabbed a butcher knife and held it to her throat in front of the young kids who were hysterical. I called 911. It was the only thing I could do. She spent two weeks in a psyche hospital and when she came out she was still not willing to change and the drug parade went on. Finally, finally, we made her leave for many reasons. She was not 36. She was 19 when she had to leave our house. The result? She is clean. So...I don't feel like anyone gave this poster bad advice. You certainly don't have to do what WE choose to do. Nobody here would ever tell you not to bring your son home if that is what you decided. But we all do post our own opinions. Sometimes what somebody says makes me uncomfortable. And I'm sure, being human, it is the same for you. But we do pour our hearts out and we give sincere input. And I feel nobody should be shut down unless the person is being obviously rude. Everyone who posts here has the right to disregard everything/anything that we say. Mental illness is treatable, if the person who is sick WANTS to get treatment. If the person does not, they will stay sick. It is not different from addiction. It takes a committment , not of Mom's part, but on the person's part. Also, I disagree that twenty is not a young adult. I also think it's better to get them to stand on their own two feet at a younger age rather than waiting until they are thirty. And I feel we should all respect one another's reactions and responses because each response helps the poster decide what he/she should do in his personal path. But, no, this is our own journey. We hold hands, but we can't walk for one another. We simply share. As always, my disclaimer: None of this is absolute fact. Take what you like and leave the rest. Or take all of it and left it. But this is my heartfelt feelings that I have a right to post. As does anyone else. Wishing you a day of serenity and peace, spent happily with yourself and your loved ones who treat you with love and respect. [/QUOTE]
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