when did you come to terms?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jamieh, Jan 10, 2013.

  1. Jamieh

    Jamieh New Member

    with the fact that your child is different? I have known for a long time that my oldest had some major issues. We ignored them for a long time. This last spring we finally took him to a new dr and expressed our concerns and had him looked at for ADHD. He was 4 at the time and his pediatrician suggested an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for sensory integration. She said at his age she didn't really want to label him ADHD just yet. We were ok with that and he started Occupational Therapist (OT). But of course now we know he has ADHD at least and sensory processing disorder (SPD). But it's still hard for me to accept that he is going to have a hard time...always. And also with my youngest. Having Apraxia will always be with him. He will always have to think more to say bigger words. I don't think my hubby has really come to terms with it either. That both of our boys have special needs. Did anyone use family counselors or anything to help with it?
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I guess, in our family, we never really had to come to terms with anything... because from the beginning we didn't see our kids as "different"... they were "like us". We just didn't know we had challenges, too.

    You might want to read up on ADHD and Aspergers... not the technical stuff, but the people stories. SO MUCH of the really important advancements in science and technology and the arts come from... people with ADHD or Aspergers. They think different. Not wrong, just different. March to a different drummer. But having a diagnosis of ADHD, for example? is just a way to understand your child (and the child to understand himself) better. It helps to know what works and what doesn't and why.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi! The answer to that is that it is an ongoing process. (my opinion and what my friends and I talk about anyway)...

    There is that initial grief and then as time goes on things like milestones when other kids can do things but your child still can't or things that trigger a memory of when you first found out, or ????? bring it all back.

    As for as your little one, yes he may struggle, but he may not too. Or, what often happens is people learn to work around those words that are harder. My son still says pernament instead of permanent (among several words he struggles to day) and many multi-syllabic words have to be taught deliberately and rehearsed. He is quite apraxic but that is the least of issues that he really has to deal with. I hope your son does well and does not have to struggle much. Of course there are an co-existing issues to be on the look out for but you sound very on top of things so I am sure if any kid has a great chance, yours do.

    If your son who is in Occupational Therapist (OT) really has sensory processing disorder (SPD) then he may not have adhd as I am sure you are learning. But boy those symptoms sure can look the same! It is still a struggle. How does he do with other developmental things like play with other kids, eating, early childhood academic milestones (pre reading, counting, colors, etc.). How does he do with changing activities from one to another or following your directions? Do you have other concerns?

    There is a book called You Will Dream New Dreams...and I dont know where mine is or I would give you the full citation. It is true, if your child has a challenge that will alter their lives permanently, you end up dreaming new dreams and celebrating their individual progress. Still, there are those moments of grief and all you can do is honor your feelings and allow yourself to share with those who understand (that's what I do here).....

    many hugs, Dee
  4. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    My kids are very young, just like yours. And so far, I cannot say I have come to terms with it...
    I am not really sad about V's issues and sometimes even pretend every thing is fine. Not denial really, just "he is doing good right now, it's not so bad after all".
    And then comes a reminder that V is really different.
    I still struggle to use the word special needs to describe V, although I am very well aware that he fits the category.
    Then I think of real drama: the loss of a child for example. Not that V's issues aren't real, but there are worse things in life. I try to put things in perspective.
    Just like Insane, I also indulge in comparing his quirks with mine and husband's. Makes me smile and conforts me to think that V is much like husband and myself.
    I also sometimes look at Partner, a problem free child and so easy going. And wonder... maybe he will be a handful as a teen and V will be the easy going one.
    One just does not know what the future holds for our kids. I try to enjoy life today, with its challenges. Find what is normal for us. Not think of what could have been, but what can be.
    Buddy is right, it is a process.
  5. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    i think i probably came to terms with it when i stopped thinking in "always" and "nevers"....the one thing i've learned over the last 20 years is that kids are amazing and the second you think it will "always" be this way or it will "never" happen is the second that the improbable happens.

    and while its a challenge to remain in the moment sometimes, i do try to remind myself that i really have no idea what the next 20 years will bring. that part is a work in progress for me.

    i just know that as you support them and work with their challenges instead of against them it gets infinitely easier. your kids are VERY young...the good news is they have lots of time. maybe it will be more difficult, maybe it will redefine "normal" or just maybe it will bring great joy to your lives....and the sense of pride you might feel in them with the smallest of accomplishment is enormous.

    but talking about how you feel never hurt anyone either ;-)
  6. Jamieh

    Jamieh New Member

    I guess 'different' isn't the right word. I know that he just experiences the world differently than some others. I just think sometimes its overwhelming. Both of my boys have just been recently diagnosed. I think both of them being diagnosed so closely to each other is taking a toll on me mentally/emotionally.
  7. Jamieh

    Jamieh New Member

    ktllc-- where in NC are you? We just moved from NC to TN.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We've known since difficult child was very young that he had struggles. I think it really hit us that this could be life long when he was about 6 or 7 and besides the behavioral issues also struggling with learning.

    Come to terms with it? I guess it is like Buddy said, an ongoing process. We know he will always struggle and probably struggle big time. Still we never know for sure. We keep getting him all of the help and services we can. For the most part I never really think I wish he was more like other kids (probably has crossed my mind and I know I certainly wish he had some friends and hope that he will someday be somewhat independent).

    I have sought therapy but more for the day to day dealing with my difficult child than to come to terms. It has been really helpful.
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I've always understood that my children have issues. Accepting it is a whole different story.

    I would strongly encourage you not to think in the 'always' and 'never' terms. That is very depressing. been there done that

    To give you hope, my son Tigger saw his first professional at age 1. First diagnosis was speech delays. At age 7, 'professionals' were very concerned and gave us a very bleak picture of his future. If I would have listened to all of them, my son would be in a residential treatment center. not reading and miserable. Instead he is at the neighborhood jr high, has learned to read, shows great intellectual curiosity, and a happy child. Best of all -- HE HAS FRIENDS!!!
  10. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Every time I think I've come to terms with it, something happens to remind me that Kiddo isn't going to be ready for a life of her own at 18, that college may not be a real possibility for her, etc. It hurts every time.
  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    It is a process. With us there has also been the problem that no one has ever been able to say, what is wrong with our difficult child. He has been different from the day he was born and we certainly noticed it from early on that he wasn't quite like others and that he struggled with this and that. But only diagnosis he got as a kid was Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) - and even that was not an official ICD-10 diagnosis. Every evaluation and testing came back as: he is different, but not in the way they could diagnose.

    Our younger kid is super easy child and comparing the two made it even more clear, that something is amiss with difficult child and it is something very core of him and will always be different. Maybe that helped too. I see it so, that the difference really is in the core of him and not something superficial that could be changed or fixed. It wouldn't be him, if it would be 'fixed.' And because I happen to love him very much I wouldn't even want that.

    Now, his coping skills and other life skills. They are the another matter. While he struggles with many skills, he is also learning and I sincerely hope he learns as well as possible and that will make his life easier. But that is not about changing the core of him.
  12. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    I would agree with JJJ. I have always known difficult child was different than her peers. Accepting? Not so much. I am still having a very difficult time with that. It ebbs and flows. Some days are better than others. Right now I am in the middle of a pity party. I am hoping that I will be able to dig myself out of it soon. The ladies here are wonderful, and have given me some very valuable and insightful info on how to manage those feelings.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Definitely an ongoing process. I actually like the diagnosis process, because having a name or condition I can research makes me feel in control and empowered.
    Then, reality hits, in the form of lack of hygiene, repetiveness and aggression, iow, assaults on my emotions,ears and sense of smell (!) and I have myself a big ol' pity party.

    One step forward, two steps back ...
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Yes, and it is a soul deep hurt.
  15. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I think that coming to terms with it is a different process for all of us. For me, I'm still trying to come to terms with it, mostly because I think that we're missing some pieces to my difficult child's puzzle. Some days I think that I've really dealt with his issues, but then other days come in and sort of kick my butt, and I'm thinking that things will never, ever get better. For me, "coming to terms" is a day by day thing. This week he's had a pretty decent week (for him) so I feel okay.
  16. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    And that is the hurt that is the hardest for me to move past. It can tear your insides up.