When difficult child Can't Have His Way

[Bunny]

He seems to be of the opinion that no one will have their way. It's so trying. He's pounding on easy child's door because easy child won't talk to him. I try to tell difficult child that he needs to give easy child some space to cool off if he's angry at difficult child, but is difficult child willing to do that? Of course not, because difficult child wants to have his say RIGHT NOW!!!!! I tell him that we give him time and space when he needs to cool down and his response was, "You do not, you lying b!$#&!" And he wonders why I don't like him sometimes.

easy child finally opened his door to let difficult child have his say, I think more to shut him up than anything else, but difficult child is still ****** off because easy child won't play with him and because I won't make easy child play with him. Sorry. Not going to do that and subject easy child to any more of difficult child's abuse.

The kids have off from school tomorrow for Yom Kippur. It's going to be a lovely day (NOT!!)

 

[TiredSoul]

Oh Bunny - I just wanted to say I hear ya! Our situations seem similar. I am a 41 yo stay at home mom thinking about going back to work. My husband has his head buried in the sand too. My boys are 5 years apart and difficult child spends a lot of time bothering easy child and then doesn't understand why he doesn't trust him/believe him/want to be around him. It's exhausting and frustrating. Especially when my 5 yo easy child is often times more mature than 10 yo difficult child. ((Hugs)) I don't know the answers. It's a crazy thing - life is.

 

[firehorsewoman]

I understand exactly how you feel. It is exhausting. My difficult child is so demanding of everyone's energy and time....and like yours never seems to let up on his easy child sibling. I don't know how she handles it...except that she is so used to it by now being that they are less than two years apart in age it is all she has ever known. Like you, I try to protect her...but he never runs out of energy (except for when he felt poorly due to seriously illness-Boy was I scared to see him sleeping, passive and quiet all of the time) and will go back for more and more and more....between me and easy child.

Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking the same thoughts on Columbus Day out here.

 

[TerryJ2]

Arg! I know how you feel. I'm sorry!

 

[Bunny]

Then, after he cooled off and the two kids were playing again (maybe 10 minutes later?) difficult child comes to me and asks if they can play in my room. I looked at him and said, "You just called me a lying b(#*%, and now you have the nerve to ask me for something?" He said that he was angry and he didn't mean what he said and that he was sorry. I have heard "I'm sorry" so many times from this kid that it just doesn't mean anything anymore. I told him that he's always sorry, but he keeps doing to same things over and over again. I told him that I would know he was truly sorry when he stops doing it.

Seeing that he was not going to talk me into letting them play inmy room he changed tactics. "You mean you won't let easy child play in your room because of me?" "Yup!" was my answer. "No one is playing in mom's room today." I told them to play in the basement, or better yet, go run around outside and get some fresh air into their lungs, which was what they wound up doing.

 

[sjexpress]

My difficult child is the same way. If you don't agree to do what he wants when he wants it, everyone suffers. He immediately starts to whine and beg and then gets nasty, and then starts picking on easy child. Now though, easy child, like yours, ignores difficult child or worse, gives the same **** back to difficult child and this just escalates the situation! I too have heard the "I'm sorry" more times than I can count and yet, not matter how much I point out to him that his word can not be trusted, he tries to assure me that he really means it and won't do it again...uh huh, yeah right! easy child and difficult child can only play together in short bursts before all heck breaks loose due to a disagreement! It is exhausting refeering all day long!

 

[TeDo]

He said that he was angry and he didn't mean what he said and that he was sorry. I have heard "I'm sorry" so many times from this kid that it just doesn't mean anything anymore. I told him that he's always sorry, but he keeps doing to same things over and over again. I told him that I would know he was truly sorry when he stops doing it.

I used to tell difficult child 1 the same thing. I got so tired of him always saying he was sorry only to do the same thing again and again. Then I realized he was telling me the truth. He really WAS sorry when he was in the right frame of mind. I decided that I couldn't hold him to what he'd said in "the heat of the moment" because he truly couldn't help himself. Our lives have gotten much better when I stopped holding what he said during a rage against him once the rage stopped. It was VERY hard to do because he could say some of the most hurtful things imaginable but he only did it when he was raging/melting down. He NEVER said any of those things when he was calm so I knew it wasn't "him" saying those things.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[TiredSoul]

I'm starting to think we all have the same difficult child(s) and live in parallel worlds or something. It is amazing how similar our kids can be and we are all searching for answers. I sometimes think whatever "this" is, hasn't been discovered yet.

 

[JJJ]

Isnt Yom Kippur a day of SILENT atonement......

 

[Bunny]

I used to tell difficult child 1 the same thing. I got so tired of him always saying he was sorry only to do the same thing again and again. Then I realized he was telling me the truth. He really WAS sorry when he was in the right frame of mind.

That's what I say about difficult child. He's sorry, until the next time it happens, and then he's sorry all over again.

One of the things that the therapist has been trying to work on with him is understanding how his words and behaviors effect the people that he lashes out against, mostly easy child and me. That just because he says he's sorry doesn't mean that what he said or did wasn't incredibly hurtful. He can hold himself together at school and would never lash out at a teacher or another student like he lashes out at people at home and we're trying to get him to try to employ whatever he's doing at school when he's home.

He can do it, and I know that there are people here who disagree when I say this, but I believe that there are times when he just chooses not to. I'm sorry, but there is no reason that he needs to be calling his mother a lying b&*%Y&. Being angry with me? Fine. We all get angry, but he also has to learn that the way he sometimes lashes out at people is going to get him in serious trouble one of these days.

 

[Malika]

Well, I understand, Bunny. It's such an unpleasant feature of life with a difficult child. My five year old J was shouting and screaming at me in front of our house today because... of the egregious insult I had delivered him by saying he couldn't take his rugby ball to school He didn't insult me, and that is a small mercy I suppose, but he put up a fine display nonetheless, to the delectation of the neighbours. All this arising because of that word so terrible to his ears: no.
It must get harder the bigger they get. Hang in there.