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General Parenting
When foreign adoptions fail--Montana Ranch
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 114204" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>terry, </p><p></p><p>Well I'm no expert, I'm just adopted. But my thoughts as an older adoptee regarding rarely looking for bio-dad go back to the sub-conscience mind - when we think of birth - it's rare that we picture a father - because well men can't give birth. So your minds eye thinks of a woman, mother figure. And at that point whether adoptees ever admit it or not - you feel that she somehow had the final word OR you would either a. be with her or b. be with your bio father. Since you are with neither you tend to go to the thoughts of who had the ultimate say over "yes I give this child up"</p><p></p><p>In almost every movie portrayed about adoption - you see the MOTHER carrying the child and the MOTHER saying "I'm putting the child up for adoption." You rarely see the father stepping in and saying "Now wait a minute - I want that child." Mostly because there is usually a good reason why the MOTHER is giving the child up. And there are so many good reasons - the list is endless. </p><p></p><p>As far as seeking out a bio parent. I've had some curiosities in my life. When my health started to take a dive around 38, I was told it was genetic, did I have any history, and how valuable that would be. Well I didn't, and I said if you know it's genetic then what does it matter WHERE it came from? Not like I need a kidney or something. And the doctor laughed but agreed - it's just more HIS curiosity than mine. </p><p></p><p>So there are two things I think all births should have - a history of physical, mental and well being. If someone died at a young age - from what. AND the reason the child was given up. </p><p></p><p>In my mind without knowing - I felt like I had been thrown away. I have/had FANTASTIC parents from around 3 months on. So it wasn't anything that they did that made me feel like that. BUT it DID affect my choices in men, how I viewed myself, how I thought the REST of the world could treat me - and I kept having friends say "WHY do you let so & so treat you like that?" and I never knew until I did hypnosis. It was bizarre. My brain knew exactly what made me have poor decisions but it was buried so deep I had NO IDEA how to get to it to even work ON it. </p><p></p><p>I think = a lot of adoptees that are exhibiting out of control behavior would benefit from someone saying to the birth Mother - OKAY before you give this child up - we need to know: </p><p></p><p>Are any of you mentally ill on fathers or mothers side - </p><p>Are any of you from a family with a history of cancer, diabetes, etc. </p><p></p><p>What is the reason you are giving the child up:</p><p>Better life that we could never give due to illness</p><p>Better life because I am not married to the baby's father </p><p>Better life because baby's father unknown</p><p>Better life because I am poor, old, etc. </p><p></p><p>I mean you get the idea but I'd rather have dealt with the truth when I heard "YOU were adopted." Because I know my next question was "WHAT? YOU aren't my real mom, well where is she? Why did she give me up? Didn't she want /love me? " </p><p></p><p>And my Mother handled it beautifully with her answers about the fact that I was wanted, loved, of course I was wanted but for some reason (would have liked to have known) I was given to be her daughter instead." I mean I was like 4 1/2 or 5 and I remember it all like (snap) </p><p></p><p>I'm glad for my sake it wasn't open adoption - At a certain point I reached a decision that I was who I was - with or without biological parents - I'm here. AND the fact that in your mind as an adoptee you tend to make up scenarios as to WHY you weren't wanted which feel like the ONLY thing you have that connects you to anyone or anything - and even thinking I was probably a princess and I'd get a dowry when I turned 21, no 31, no 41 - oh it must be 50...thoughts like that still plague your mind - and then you see a woman in Walmart with 7 kids, all dirty, her yelling and screaming and you think - OKAY THAT could be - and you realize you are better off where you are than to go looking. </p><p></p><p>I was lucky - I had love all around me my whole life. Had I not felt that - Probably would have looked for both parents. </p><p></p><p>Now I just say THANKS and live my life - To make myself proud, my Mom proud and my biomom proud. But that didn't happen without therapy - believe me. And whats worse is I never knew it. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 114204, member: 4964"] terry, Well I'm no expert, I'm just adopted. But my thoughts as an older adoptee regarding rarely looking for bio-dad go back to the sub-conscience mind - when we think of birth - it's rare that we picture a father - because well men can't give birth. So your minds eye thinks of a woman, mother figure. And at that point whether adoptees ever admit it or not - you feel that she somehow had the final word OR you would either a. be with her or b. be with your bio father. Since you are with neither you tend to go to the thoughts of who had the ultimate say over "yes I give this child up" In almost every movie portrayed about adoption - you see the MOTHER carrying the child and the MOTHER saying "I'm putting the child up for adoption." You rarely see the father stepping in and saying "Now wait a minute - I want that child." Mostly because there is usually a good reason why the MOTHER is giving the child up. And there are so many good reasons - the list is endless. As far as seeking out a bio parent. I've had some curiosities in my life. When my health started to take a dive around 38, I was told it was genetic, did I have any history, and how valuable that would be. Well I didn't, and I said if you know it's genetic then what does it matter WHERE it came from? Not like I need a kidney or something. And the doctor laughed but agreed - it's just more HIS curiosity than mine. So there are two things I think all births should have - a history of physical, mental and well being. If someone died at a young age - from what. AND the reason the child was given up. In my mind without knowing - I felt like I had been thrown away. I have/had FANTASTIC parents from around 3 months on. So it wasn't anything that they did that made me feel like that. BUT it DID affect my choices in men, how I viewed myself, how I thought the REST of the world could treat me - and I kept having friends say "WHY do you let so & so treat you like that?" and I never knew until I did hypnosis. It was bizarre. My brain knew exactly what made me have poor decisions but it was buried so deep I had NO IDEA how to get to it to even work ON it. I think = a lot of adoptees that are exhibiting out of control behavior would benefit from someone saying to the birth Mother - OKAY before you give this child up - we need to know: Are any of you mentally ill on fathers or mothers side - Are any of you from a family with a history of cancer, diabetes, etc. What is the reason you are giving the child up: Better life that we could never give due to illness Better life because I am not married to the baby's father Better life because baby's father unknown Better life because I am poor, old, etc. I mean you get the idea but I'd rather have dealt with the truth when I heard "YOU were adopted." Because I know my next question was "WHAT? YOU aren't my real mom, well where is she? Why did she give me up? Didn't she want /love me? " And my Mother handled it beautifully with her answers about the fact that I was wanted, loved, of course I was wanted but for some reason (would have liked to have known) I was given to be her daughter instead." I mean I was like 4 1/2 or 5 and I remember it all like (snap) I'm glad for my sake it wasn't open adoption - At a certain point I reached a decision that I was who I was - with or without biological parents - I'm here. AND the fact that in your mind as an adoptee you tend to make up scenarios as to WHY you weren't wanted which feel like the ONLY thing you have that connects you to anyone or anything - and even thinking I was probably a princess and I'd get a dowry when I turned 21, no 31, no 41 - oh it must be 50...thoughts like that still plague your mind - and then you see a woman in Walmart with 7 kids, all dirty, her yelling and screaming and you think - OKAY THAT could be - and you realize you are better off where you are than to go looking. I was lucky - I had love all around me my whole life. Had I not felt that - Probably would have looked for both parents. Now I just say THANKS and live my life - To make myself proud, my Mom proud and my biomom proud. But that didn't happen without therapy - believe me. And whats worse is I never knew it. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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