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When Grandparents get Angry with difficult child Autism Behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="Farmwife" data-source="post: 368642" data-attributes="member: 8617"><p>I am sorry to hear about the test results. Will keep my fingers crossed for you. Try to reduce stress as best you can. I know that seems like a ridiculous thing to say, all things considered but it really matters. So many health issues are impacted by the level of stress the body and mind are under. After I left my ex and his drama my health improved tons. My cholesterol dropped and I didn't get a cold for two years. I didn't do anything except add a smile to my routine...</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You asked how I deal with my Mom. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/redface.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":redface:" title="redface :redface:" data-shortname=":redface:" /> I don't in a mature way. lol I have such a hard time making boundaries. My mom can be a total basket case, pain in my rear but she also has a good side, a kind side and she has suffered a LOT of things in life. I try too take a step back and forgive her for her weaknesses and mistakes while still standing my own ground too. There are just certain things I won't put up with, things I shouldn't have to put up with. (I think she is an undiagnosed bi polar)</p><p> </p><p>There are times we get along and times she makes me insane and I spend days in a state of agitation and complete shock over how she can act such a fool. (total waste of energy I am trying to outgrow) During those times I have learned to assert my status as an adult and have to remind her that I don't respond well to being told what to do or talked to like I am a child. I also do my best not to feed into the complex scenarios and head trips. I refuse to nibble her bait or fall for her tactics and walk away. I just shrug it off and let her complete her tantrum without me just like I do with my almost toddler or my difficult child.</p><p> </p><p> I don't take certain behaviors from her and have learned to defend that instead of tolerate it and let it slide just to be nice or avoid confrontation. Confrontation isn't so bad as long as you are civil and express yourself in a healthy way. Sometimes parents who are used to telling you how to live or who are used to being the one in charge have a real hard adjustment time when a grown child steps up and says "hey wait a minute here, I'm not a kid anymore and you won't talk to me like that." The relationhsip dynamic has to get rewired after decades of habit. </p><p> </p><p>It took me time and I was scared to speak my piece. In the end I am glad I did. It felt good to get it off my chest. Now Mom and I know we can only have certain length visits and then we need space. It can still be awkward but it has improved because she really wants to try. If she was not willing she would not be allowed in my life. Occasionally I want to strangle her all over again and I just distance myself. I just have to keep a small wall up with her like I do my difficult child. I love them unconditonally which means I accept them for who they are. That doesn't mean I shouldn't have a unique way of dealing with them that protects my feelings by not getting too deeply personal or involved, just in case. It's about trust they have violated over and over by letting me down so I don't let myself be in a place where they can let me down anymore.<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/peaceful.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":peaceful:" title="peaceful :peaceful:" data-shortname=":peaceful:" /></p><p> </p><p>When it comes to my kids though, my boundaries between Mom's issues and them are very strict. She can be in our lives all she wants but if she ever jeopordizes their feelings or happiness she has to go permanently. She did a fine job of causing me permanent issues and I cannot allow that to trickle down. The garbage stops here in my generation. I refuse to let my bad parents or the bad parents who raised them touch the future, my kids. too many generations of ill equiped folks raising broken kids in my family tree. I'm the end of that line, that legacy, that dysfunction. Maybe due to my hard work my grand kids will be raised by happy, whole, well adjusted people...my kids who I protect fiercely from other peoples static.</p><p> </p><p>Not sure how that may apply with your Dad but I hope it helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Farmwife, post: 368642, member: 8617"] I am sorry to hear about the test results. Will keep my fingers crossed for you. Try to reduce stress as best you can. I know that seems like a ridiculous thing to say, all things considered but it really matters. So many health issues are impacted by the level of stress the body and mind are under. After I left my ex and his drama my health improved tons. My cholesterol dropped and I didn't get a cold for two years. I didn't do anything except add a smile to my routine... You asked how I deal with my Mom. :blushing: I don't in a mature way. lol I have such a hard time making boundaries. My mom can be a total basket case, pain in my rear but she also has a good side, a kind side and she has suffered a LOT of things in life. I try too take a step back and forgive her for her weaknesses and mistakes while still standing my own ground too. There are just certain things I won't put up with, things I shouldn't have to put up with. (I think she is an undiagnosed bi polar) There are times we get along and times she makes me insane and I spend days in a state of agitation and complete shock over how she can act such a fool. (total waste of energy I am trying to outgrow) During those times I have learned to assert my status as an adult and have to remind her that I don't respond well to being told what to do or talked to like I am a child. I also do my best not to feed into the complex scenarios and head trips. I refuse to nibble her bait or fall for her tactics and walk away. I just shrug it off and let her complete her tantrum without me just like I do with my almost toddler or my difficult child. I don't take certain behaviors from her and have learned to defend that instead of tolerate it and let it slide just to be nice or avoid confrontation. Confrontation isn't so bad as long as you are civil and express yourself in a healthy way. Sometimes parents who are used to telling you how to live or who are used to being the one in charge have a real hard adjustment time when a grown child steps up and says "hey wait a minute here, I'm not a kid anymore and you won't talk to me like that." The relationhsip dynamic has to get rewired after decades of habit. It took me time and I was scared to speak my piece. In the end I am glad I did. It felt good to get it off my chest. Now Mom and I know we can only have certain length visits and then we need space. It can still be awkward but it has improved because she really wants to try. If she was not willing she would not be allowed in my life. Occasionally I want to strangle her all over again and I just distance myself. I just have to keep a small wall up with her like I do my difficult child. I love them unconditonally which means I accept them for who they are. That doesn't mean I shouldn't have a unique way of dealing with them that protects my feelings by not getting too deeply personal or involved, just in case. It's about trust they have violated over and over by letting me down so I don't let myself be in a place where they can let me down anymore.:peaceful: When it comes to my kids though, my boundaries between Mom's issues and them are very strict. She can be in our lives all she wants but if she ever jeopordizes their feelings or happiness she has to go permanently. She did a fine job of causing me permanent issues and I cannot allow that to trickle down. The garbage stops here in my generation. I refuse to let my bad parents or the bad parents who raised them touch the future, my kids. too many generations of ill equiped folks raising broken kids in my family tree. I'm the end of that line, that legacy, that dysfunction. Maybe due to my hard work my grand kids will be raised by happy, whole, well adjusted people...my kids who I protect fiercely from other peoples static. Not sure how that may apply with your Dad but I hope it helps. [/QUOTE]
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