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When Grandparents get Angry with difficult child Autism Behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 368736" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, I'm back. Can't stop for long though - in-laws waiting!</p><p></p><p>First - "I'm a whimp compared to you with radiation treatment. It must be a lot for you to deal with. How do you avoid feeling overwhelmed?"</p><p>Seriously, what helped was knitting. In the Cancer Centre are some baskets of yarn and knitting needles, with instructions on knitting squares for "Wrapped With Love". Instead of sitting and fretting, or fidgetting, we have the option to knit a little. When we're leaving we put the knitting back in the basket for someone else to add to (or not). Daily treatment meant I had a lot of follow-up on the same pieces of knitting. Knowing that the completed squares are sewn into blankets and given to various poor people around the world, made me feel as if someone was going to benefit form my time spent t the Cancer Centre. I've also been knitting my own blanket to donate to someone - it takes 28 squares and I'm just completing No 19. Each square I have knitted, has a different emotion and problem attached to it. It has really helped me emotionally.</p><p>We each do what we need to, in order to cope with emotional pain and life stress. Linda (Timer Lady) paints. She used to play piano and I believe it is her aim to get back to playing.</p><p></p><p>Regarding respite - we have never used it for difficult child 3. I never felt comfortable trying to organise leaving him with someone who, even if they were well-trained, still did not know OUR kid. But we did use more conventional services available, and simply educated them on our son's needs. We used the same babysitting/child-minding services generally available for "normal" kids.</p><p>I would suggest you find someone, perhaps a college student or a senior high school student, someone who you feel can cope with him and understand but doesn't have to have any formal training (they need instinct and to be prepared to follow your lead) and train them up. Get them to come and help you, to watch him while you are home (perhaps while you are on a cooking binge or study binge) so you are within coo-ee if you're needed by the sitter, so she can get confident in handling him and you can also learn to trust them, also to help teach the sitter on the spot. Make it clear that you are moving towards the sitter having him unsupervised, possibly taking both child and sitter away with you if necessary (hey - free holiday!) and that this is an ongoing, enlarging job with perks projecting into the future.</p><p></p><p>Swearing is not on with an autistic child. The message to get across to everyone, your parents especially - these kids learn by imitation. So you MUST behave towards this child as you want the child to behave towards you and others. The child should not be punished for dishing back what is dished up to him. So if grandpa gets sworn at by difficult child ho uses grandpa's words back at him, then both are in the wrong but frankly, the adult who behaved badly first, is the problem and has zero rights to punish.</p><p></p><p>Read "The Explosive CHild" by Ross Greene. Go to Early Childhood forum for some discussion on tis book (there's a great sticky).</p><p></p><p>You need to become more assertive in a positive, productive way and you also need to really work on expressing your emotions. We used to play an emotion game with difficult child 3 - we would say the emotion and then put on that face. We increased his vocabulary and his range of facial expressions in tis way. But it was a fun game. We had faces for PUZZLED, HAPPY, SAD, ANGRY, CONFUSED, and so on. We make the face then get the child to make the face. Add to the range as you get ideas or words are suggested. We found it gave difficult child 3 tools to express himself and his feelings in more recognisable ways. You might find it helps you too.</p><p></p><p>See if you can find an assertiveness-training course for you. You will need it if your son is not to turn into a bully as well. It can happen in your situation, you need to be strong enough to stop this in the correct way.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 368736, member: 1991"] OK, I'm back. Can't stop for long though - in-laws waiting! First - "I'm a whimp compared to you with radiation treatment. It must be a lot for you to deal with. How do you avoid feeling overwhelmed?" Seriously, what helped was knitting. In the Cancer Centre are some baskets of yarn and knitting needles, with instructions on knitting squares for "Wrapped With Love". Instead of sitting and fretting, or fidgetting, we have the option to knit a little. When we're leaving we put the knitting back in the basket for someone else to add to (or not). Daily treatment meant I had a lot of follow-up on the same pieces of knitting. Knowing that the completed squares are sewn into blankets and given to various poor people around the world, made me feel as if someone was going to benefit form my time spent t the Cancer Centre. I've also been knitting my own blanket to donate to someone - it takes 28 squares and I'm just completing No 19. Each square I have knitted, has a different emotion and problem attached to it. It has really helped me emotionally. We each do what we need to, in order to cope with emotional pain and life stress. Linda (Timer Lady) paints. She used to play piano and I believe it is her aim to get back to playing. Regarding respite - we have never used it for difficult child 3. I never felt comfortable trying to organise leaving him with someone who, even if they were well-trained, still did not know OUR kid. But we did use more conventional services available, and simply educated them on our son's needs. We used the same babysitting/child-minding services generally available for "normal" kids. I would suggest you find someone, perhaps a college student or a senior high school student, someone who you feel can cope with him and understand but doesn't have to have any formal training (they need instinct and to be prepared to follow your lead) and train them up. Get them to come and help you, to watch him while you are home (perhaps while you are on a cooking binge or study binge) so you are within coo-ee if you're needed by the sitter, so she can get confident in handling him and you can also learn to trust them, also to help teach the sitter on the spot. Make it clear that you are moving towards the sitter having him unsupervised, possibly taking both child and sitter away with you if necessary (hey - free holiday!) and that this is an ongoing, enlarging job with perks projecting into the future. Swearing is not on with an autistic child. The message to get across to everyone, your parents especially - these kids learn by imitation. So you MUST behave towards this child as you want the child to behave towards you and others. The child should not be punished for dishing back what is dished up to him. So if grandpa gets sworn at by difficult child ho uses grandpa's words back at him, then both are in the wrong but frankly, the adult who behaved badly first, is the problem and has zero rights to punish. Read "The Explosive CHild" by Ross Greene. Go to Early Childhood forum for some discussion on tis book (there's a great sticky). You need to become more assertive in a positive, productive way and you also need to really work on expressing your emotions. We used to play an emotion game with difficult child 3 - we would say the emotion and then put on that face. We increased his vocabulary and his range of facial expressions in tis way. But it was a fun game. We had faces for PUZZLED, HAPPY, SAD, ANGRY, CONFUSED, and so on. We make the face then get the child to make the face. Add to the range as you get ideas or words are suggested. We found it gave difficult child 3 tools to express himself and his feelings in more recognisable ways. You might find it helps you too. See if you can find an assertiveness-training course for you. You will need it if your son is not to turn into a bully as well. It can happen in your situation, you need to be strong enough to stop this in the correct way. Marg [/QUOTE]
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