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General Parenting
When he wants to hug me...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 41512" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I agree with Alan, but with similar reservations to Linda. Terry, I don't think Allan was lecturing at you (not intentionally, anyway) - I think he was trying to support you and get you to think about it from a different point of view.</p><p></p><p>I'm lucky, difficult child 3 still asks for a hug and kiss sometimes. I can ask for one but it's never the same. What is always best is when a hug just happens, between you both. For this to happen the timing also must be appropriate and it sounds to me like you're feeling 'wrong' about this in some way. Is it the timing? (ie you're still trying to calm down, in which case pretending nothing is wrong and hugging - the child will still feel your anger and the hug gets undermined). Or is it that you feel the child is trying to use the hug as a way of pretending nothing was wrong? (ie an inappropriate way to end a conflict). Id it's either of those things, then I would also agree with asking the child to wait.</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 would often want a hug at the most inappropriate times. Not that I was angry with her and she was trying to use the hug to defuse my anger (THAT gets me more riled, it's dishonest and manipulative) but I might be in the middle of cooking dinner, rushing to the sink or the stove to save a dish, and she would choose that moment (like any other moment) to grab me for a hug. If I snarled at her to get out of my way, she would rush off in tears. I had to learn to bite my anger and ask her to wait until a more appropriate moment when I wasn't so distracted, so I could enjoy the hug.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 41512, member: 1991"] I agree with Alan, but with similar reservations to Linda. Terry, I don't think Allan was lecturing at you (not intentionally, anyway) - I think he was trying to support you and get you to think about it from a different point of view. I'm lucky, difficult child 3 still asks for a hug and kiss sometimes. I can ask for one but it's never the same. What is always best is when a hug just happens, between you both. For this to happen the timing also must be appropriate and it sounds to me like you're feeling 'wrong' about this in some way. Is it the timing? (ie you're still trying to calm down, in which case pretending nothing is wrong and hugging - the child will still feel your anger and the hug gets undermined). Or is it that you feel the child is trying to use the hug as a way of pretending nothing was wrong? (ie an inappropriate way to end a conflict). Id it's either of those things, then I would also agree with asking the child to wait. easy child 2/difficult child 2 would often want a hug at the most inappropriate times. Not that I was angry with her and she was trying to use the hug to defuse my anger (THAT gets me more riled, it's dishonest and manipulative) but I might be in the middle of cooking dinner, rushing to the sink or the stove to save a dish, and she would choose that moment (like any other moment) to grab me for a hug. If I snarled at her to get out of my way, she would rush off in tears. I had to learn to bite my anger and ask her to wait until a more appropriate moment when I wasn't so distracted, so I could enjoy the hug. Marg [/QUOTE]
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