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When is enough, enough?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 276975" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's easier to forgive, if te person we're forgiving is sorry for what they'vedone and has made some sort of effort to at least acknowledge they did the wrong thing.</p><p></p><p>I don't see that here, that'swhy I think you're having trouble forgiving him.</p><p></p><p>The abuse you describe - with sexual abuse, it's not so much what was done, as what sort of trauma wascaused by tis. How it was done, whether it wasdone with volence, with asense of "I am going to do this to you because you are a bad person and I have ultimate control over you," sort of thing. If your little one had had to see a doctor for a medical procedure that required similar 'touching' then would it have to traumatise her?</p><p></p><p>The issue here is the state of mind of your difficult child nd what he is doing about his tendencies. I shudder to think what may have happened to him at his mother's, but that is no excuse for allowing him free rein to terrorise others. He DOES need therapy and NOT necessarily warm fuzzies from you as a priority. He neds to know what is wrong and to also recognise that if it happened to him, he did not deserve it and neither does anyonoe else deserve it from him.</p><p></p><p>On the subject of the abuse specifics - when easy child was about 3 years old, she had a raging fever with all the symptoms of a kidney infection. I have a hereditary kidney defect and I was really worried she had inherited it. The GP ordered an IVP (it was all the test that was available back then) and refereed us to the ultimate specialist, a pediatric uro-radiologist (all the bloke does, in other words, is X-ray the urinary tracts of children). I was present for the entire test which required easy child to have a catheter put in as well as a detailed medical examination of her genital area. She was as good as gold, did everything she was told and apart from a slight whimper as the needle with the constrast was injected, didn't even cry. The doctor was gentle, supportive and explained eveything to her even though she was so very young. Thankfully the test was negative for the defect and she had no more problems. It was two years before she was molested (a totally independent occurrence). Her abuse happened under circumstances of violence and serious threats (the boy said he was gonig to have sex with her, sex would hurt and he would send his father around to our house to run me over with his lawnmower if she ever told). The abuse traumatised her badly and she was never able to tell us exactly what happened, other than what I have mentioned here. But the effect on her was obvious. It just took us two yers to find out about what happened, but we had noticed the behaviour changes.</p><p></p><p>The therapist we took easy child to, was useless, frankly. She also refused to tell us anything about the therapy and also prevented easy child from submerging the memory. easy child now wants to know what happened but cannot remember. We can't tell her because we don't know.</p><p></p><p>With hindsight we should have taken easy child to someone else. From what I've l earned form people on this site, there ARE therapists out there who can really help kids (effectively!) instead of namby-pamby idiots who seem to think a hug will cure everything.</p><p></p><p>Keep looking until you find someone you feel is right. You seem to have good parental instincts.</p><p></p><p>People feel sorry for difficult child, rightly, but in bending overbackwards to shield him from his own actions, they foget to shield his victims. NOT right.</p><p></p><p>I don't think you're a bad person at all, if you have to make the bargain with your husband in order to keep your daughter safe. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 276975, member: 1991"] It's easier to forgive, if te person we're forgiving is sorry for what they'vedone and has made some sort of effort to at least acknowledge they did the wrong thing. I don't see that here, that'swhy I think you're having trouble forgiving him. The abuse you describe - with sexual abuse, it's not so much what was done, as what sort of trauma wascaused by tis. How it was done, whether it wasdone with volence, with asense of "I am going to do this to you because you are a bad person and I have ultimate control over you," sort of thing. If your little one had had to see a doctor for a medical procedure that required similar 'touching' then would it have to traumatise her? The issue here is the state of mind of your difficult child nd what he is doing about his tendencies. I shudder to think what may have happened to him at his mother's, but that is no excuse for allowing him free rein to terrorise others. He DOES need therapy and NOT necessarily warm fuzzies from you as a priority. He neds to know what is wrong and to also recognise that if it happened to him, he did not deserve it and neither does anyonoe else deserve it from him. On the subject of the abuse specifics - when easy child was about 3 years old, she had a raging fever with all the symptoms of a kidney infection. I have a hereditary kidney defect and I was really worried she had inherited it. The GP ordered an IVP (it was all the test that was available back then) and refereed us to the ultimate specialist, a pediatric uro-radiologist (all the bloke does, in other words, is X-ray the urinary tracts of children). I was present for the entire test which required easy child to have a catheter put in as well as a detailed medical examination of her genital area. She was as good as gold, did everything she was told and apart from a slight whimper as the needle with the constrast was injected, didn't even cry. The doctor was gentle, supportive and explained eveything to her even though she was so very young. Thankfully the test was negative for the defect and she had no more problems. It was two years before she was molested (a totally independent occurrence). Her abuse happened under circumstances of violence and serious threats (the boy said he was gonig to have sex with her, sex would hurt and he would send his father around to our house to run me over with his lawnmower if she ever told). The abuse traumatised her badly and she was never able to tell us exactly what happened, other than what I have mentioned here. But the effect on her was obvious. It just took us two yers to find out about what happened, but we had noticed the behaviour changes. The therapist we took easy child to, was useless, frankly. She also refused to tell us anything about the therapy and also prevented easy child from submerging the memory. easy child now wants to know what happened but cannot remember. We can't tell her because we don't know. With hindsight we should have taken easy child to someone else. From what I've l earned form people on this site, there ARE therapists out there who can really help kids (effectively!) instead of namby-pamby idiots who seem to think a hug will cure everything. Keep looking until you find someone you feel is right. You seem to have good parental instincts. People feel sorry for difficult child, rightly, but in bending overbackwards to shield him from his own actions, they foget to shield his victims. NOT right. I don't think you're a bad person at all, if you have to make the bargain with your husband in order to keep your daughter safe. Marg [/QUOTE]
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