When is it time to give up?y chi

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by MidwestMom, Oct 29, 2007.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't mean give up loving my child, but when is it time to stop trying to get a response from my grown son that I exist to him? He is the one who married his controlling wife and both of them joined a questionable, very non-inclusive church and we haven't heard from him since. I leave messages and send nice cards for birthdays and holidays, but he never recipricates. We had no argument to explain his behavior and he won't talk to anyone about it, but he hurt his sister a lot and the rest of the family too. When is it time to let it go and stop trying? His sibs are all furious at him and don't want anything to do with him anymore.
    We just found out he and his wife have traveled to China for another vacation. He told nobody. He has an automatic e-mail response that explains where he is and when he'll be back.
    How do you detach from a child who no longer wants you? In his mind, we adopted him at six so we had nothing to do with his early development, and I'm sure he also believes that we are people doomed to go to hell. Please tell me how you detach from a child who won't give you the time of day? And, no, I don't think it's just a phaze. He is a very deep thinking adult, who plans his life carefully and without impulsively. I'm sure we won't see him for the holidays. He goes to his "Chinese" family's house (wife's relatives). Sometimes he visits his father as a favor, but only when he knows we won't be there, and with reluctance. In no way is he immature. He made a thought out, detailed decision to exclude all of us from his life. I need some words of wisdom as the holidays near. Should I get him a gift? Send a card? Is that pushing it? I can mail them. Or should I just Let go and Let God (God as *I* understand Him).
  2. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    You know, Hun, I wish I knew what to say. I'm hurt when my very busy grown daughter (with four children) ignores me for five days! I guess to me there's no excuse for it whatsoever....WE are family, too. It sounds as if you've been beating your head against the wall for a long time as it is. Me? I think I'd start trying to give it up. It's easy to say that maybe someday it will be different, though not likely. He has chosen a different life. If you give up attempting to communicate, it doesn't mean you don't love him......we will always love our children. I'm sorry for your hurting heart.
  3. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I don't have grown children so I can only imagine what you are going through. I think what I would do in this situation is to send a card for Christmas and his birthday. I wouldn't write much in the card and it would only be to let him know I was still thinking about him. I would do this only so I could think I was doing everything I could to maintain ties without overdoing it. However, if this was too painful, I would just let it go.

    Maybe when he has children, he will realize all that you did for him and get back in touch. I know I didn't fully appreciate my parents until I became a parent myself.
  4. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    My overriding thought is that a relationship must involve two people. Even dysfunctional relationships involve two people.

    From the sound of your post there is only one person willing to be involved in this relationship. So from that perspective, a relationship is impossible.

    I think if it were me, I would sit down and compose a thoughtful letter. I would reassure your son that you love him and desire to be a part of his life. But, that you are getting certain 'vibes' from him that are leaving you bewildered. Then I would leave the ball in his court.

    He is a grown man. If you are getting strong signals I certainly would not chase after him and beg for him to be involved in your life. Give him the space he appears to desire.

    I'm sorry. I really am.
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I would write one last letter,
    I would tell him how much pain you feel at his absence. let him know you love him and will always be there if he chooses to contact you, the door is open.

    tell him also that the others miss and love him. then tell him goodbye for now. tell him this will be the last communication you will have with him until he lets you know he wants a relationhip with you.

    the pain for you cannot continue and by being the first to close the door, perhaps your new life of accepting he is not in it...can begin.
  6. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    I really don't know what I would do. I would probably do a combination of all the above responses. I think I would send one last letter outlining your feelings about the situation and your feelings for him. I would let him know that you are not forgetting him, but giving him whatever space and time he needs. I would let him know that I would like to send him a birthday card yearly (because I just don't think I could go without letting my child know that I was thinking of him/her on such a special day), but otherwise I would not try to contact him. I would let him know that I expected nothing from him until he was ready.

    I am so terribly sorry. I just can't imagine your pain. My children are grown, and my daughter is expecting her first child and our first grandchild. To be cut out of their lives for no obvious reason or explanation would be devastating. You are in my heart and prayers.

  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I agree with ants'mom. I would send one last letter letting him know you are going to stop contacting him, how much it has hurt you and how you don't understand, and let him know you are there if he ever wants to have contact with you.

    Then I would stop trying. It's only hurting you more to continue and try and get nowhere.

    I'm so sorry he is doing this to you.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    MWM, I am so very sorry. I do not have grown kids, so I can only say what I feel in my heart I would do. I would write a letter including my pain, my love, my desire for a relationship and my willingness to respect his decisions because I love him. If it is a conscious decision not to have contact, then I would respect that. If no response of any kind is given to the letter, then no further contact would be initiated.

    This almost seems like he is in an abusive relationship, in my opinion. I have read what you post about this situation and I cannot help but wonder if there is some abuse going on toward him. If he were female several people might comment on this. Just a feeling I hope is completely off base.

    Hugs and support for whatever you do,