When is total detachment the right thing to do?

[Childofmine]

What you said, recoveringenabler. X20.

To wait is a beautiful, extremely hard thing to do. But so life-giving to us and to the difficult child.

They call and it's always right now I need.

When I used to see my precious difficult child's name flash up on the phone (back when he had a phone), my stomach would knot up. And of course I would answer because one of the rules of motherhood is that you always answer the phone when your child calls.

Then one day someone said why don't you let it go to voice mail?

Wow.

That was so huge. Then I could call back when I was ready and my resources were marshaled.

Then he had no phone and began texting to my phone from his laptop. Who ever knew you could do that? Mr. Resourceful.

Then there was no escape except to ignore. Then he ramped up with the constant texting, relentless.

I have learned a lot about waiting and okay, ignoring. Going about my day anyway.

Drug addicts are amazingly resilient. They are survivors. Of course bad things can always happen but in general this is true.

Learn how to wait. And hang in there.


Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders

 

[Echolette]

Recovering, it is funny you say that...I have recently found (and noted on other threads) that I can't bring myself to talk to my difficult child...havent spoken to him since he got of jail on New Year's Eve and immediately, with no concern whatsoever, reneged on all his promises and plans...in any case, I won't take his calls so he calls my SO...and my SO always says (when difficult child asks for something).."I'm not sure about that, why don't you call back tomorrow." He never commits on the spot. And funnily enough..it makes me squirm and mad! I feel like it is rude, like we MUST respond to difficult child's questions RIGHT AWAY.
I am trying to get past that squirming, that pressure in my own head.
Funny that you recommend that as a way of managing.
I'm not there yet. I have to let SO do it for me.

 

[BackintheSaddle]

I'm so grateful I found this site....my friends are sweet and worried but just don't understand how I could be in a situation where I'm scared of my son, don't even want to talk to him or see him...they just don't get it and clearly all of you do and have been there for years like I have (started in 2nd grade and he's 19 years-- 12 years, 2 hospitalizations, endless appointments looking for answers, so much stress and worry, attempts at medications that were always a fight)...distance is helping me to embrace the freedom of all that drama!...I miss my son but I realize that I miss the boy he used to be, I don't miss that bully who's been living with us...I decided to start a 'grateful journal' this year and write something every day I was grateful for and my best journal to start was one I had written about 5 pages 2 years ago of life with Jacob...and lo and behold, it was exactly the same drill as what we just got out of....temper tantrums, screaming at me blaming me for flunking his classes and his anxiety, then he blamed his girlfriend for his bad grades because she broke up with him right before exams (they got back together and are still there!)-- this was right around the time he first got his license, backed into a car and drove off so got charged with hit and run and lost his license for 6 months--- we go through so much hell with these difficult children, don't we? and yet we get accused of not loving them?...

so today, my best moment is that I'm in NC and we got about 1" of snow last night...our 3 horses were in the stalls overnight and I let them out into the big pasture (something that's a treat for them) and they ran around, kicking, bucking, and playing like they'd never seen snow before (it has been a while!)...it was such a beautiful sight, I'm really blessed in so many ways...even if my difficult child isn't talking to me!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Echolette, my old therapist told me that that squirming feeling, the strong desire to take action is not about our difficult child, it is about US. It is the enabler's response where in order to NOT feel what we are feeling..............powerlessness, fear, anxiety, resentment, sorrow, whatever.............we respond, we act, we DO something, anything...........anything but feel all of that.

It was a process for me to change my responses to my difficult child. Years ago, she would call me and I would literally stay on the phone with her for an hour listening to her tirade of all that wasn't working in her life. It was awful. I couldn't drag myself away, I felt like I HAD to listen to that toxicity thrown at me...............my therapist at the time said, just say you have to go and get off the phone. It was like a new idea..........."really, I can do that?" It felt disloyal. I needed someone to give me actual permission to NOT listen to that. As someone here just recently was saying, the kids call and go into their litany of everything that isn't working, it isn't a conversation with social niceties where you are asked how you feel and what is up in your life, it is a VENT of negativity thrown at you. The next step was I just didn't answer the phone. Then she would leave messages asking me for something. I would wait to respond and talk it over with someone. It was usually my SO and my opening line was always, "difficult child called and wants #@*% and these are my thoughts about it, are there any holes in my thinking?" And he would point out the holes. Then I would respond with my altered thoughts, which was almost always a form of NO.

Last Christmas, a year ago, I invited her but made it clear that I wanted her to come to dinner, but she had to leave the drama at home. She knew exactly what I meant and she came and there was no drama. I have made my boundaries around her behavior crystal clear and she abides by them now, although I don't see her often .............. frankly I don't think she can stay out of drama very long, it's like a drug.

Once she was clear that I was not giving her what she wanted, she just stopped calling! As I erected stronger and stronger boundaries around myself, I had less and less contact with her. That took awhile, it didn't happen overnight, it was a process of me saying NO to all of the demands or requests for inappropriate things. And, I had A LOT of help from professionals and my SO and friends and this forum, to continue changing my responses, little by little............and as I changed my responses, as I said NO, she slowly stopped asking.

I can't speak for any other difficult child's, however there do seem to be remarkable similarities..............once a source dries up, often they are on to another source. They just don't think the way we do...........it isn't about love, trust, responsibility, intimacy, friendship or connection............it is about where you can get what you want or think you need RIGHT NOW. I stopped being a source and she stopped thinking I was one.

And, BITS, the accusations of not loving them is a manipulation which plays on our guilt and it usually works........at least until WE wake up to their shenanigans. It's a well honed script we play.............they say this, we respond with that.............it's perfected over years, we all know our lines. But if YOU change your response, the script goes in the garbage, the whole dialogue has to change...........and over time, they either get with the program or they exit from our lives onto the next person who can pick up the script the way difficult child needs it to play out.

 

[Childofmine]

RE I so like everything you said. And it is such a process to break that sick dance of them expecting us to solve all of their problems for them. There is a loud sucking sound that happens when we make that break, like a suction cup being pulled away from a smooth surface.

When they were children, this was our job. We soothed it all.

Some of us kept on way way too long, telling ourselves all kinds of reasons why it was necessary. And years went by and we were sucked in more and more.

And then finally, we learned something different. We became so so so tired and weary of it all. Nothing ever changed no matter how much we listened, how much money we threw at the problem, how much time we spent running around like a crazy person trying to "help." In fact things got worse.

And we woke up. We started changing slowly slowly making lots of mistakes but also progress.

And we started getting our lives back. It felt good most of the time so we wanted more of that good feeling.

And we are learning a new way of behaving and who and what we are responsible for. Ourselves.

Hang in there. Keep walking forward.



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[Echolette]

"They just don't think the way we do...........it isn't about love, trust, responsibility, intimacy, friendship or connection............it is about where you can get what you want or think you need RIGHT NOW." (from recoverings post)

That is helpful, and, I think, not true. And taking it further...they don't dismiss the love, trust, responsibility, I, F, or C....they just don't factor it in, at all. It isn't there. All they have is what they want or need right now.

I am working on not being angry, which is eating me up right now. I think this might help.

and this:

"And then finally, we learned something different. We became so so so tired and weary of it all. Nothing ever changed no matter how much we listened, how much money we threw at the problem, how much time we spent running around like a crazy person trying to "help." In fact things got worse.

And we woke up." (from Child's post)

That is where I am right now...so fragily, so newly, so uncomfortably...and yet....that last paragraph is exactly right. Nothing ever changed. And I woke up. and the forum, Cedar, REcovinering Child, MWM, and others are all helping.

Keep walking forward.

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...-right-thing-to-do.56238/page-2#ixzz2rERjMlOi


Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...-right-thing-to-do.56238/page-2#ixzz2rERKhmDl

 

[recoveringenabler]

I spent time being really angry too Echolette. And, being very sad too. I cried a lot. I used to walk and stomp my feet just to get the anger out of my body. I was so disappointed and resentful all at the same time...................it was really, really hard.

When I look back on it, there really are steps one needs to take a midst all the suffering we do.....one step forward, a few steps back..........but little by little we really do wake up and walk out of that FOG of feelings............we have to address the reality of the situation and feel what we feel...........change the way we respond..................as Wayne Dyer says, "change the way you look at things and the things you look at change." That was my experience. It was really all up to me. My difficult child is pretty much the same, however, I changed immensely and she is very different with me. I don't suffer over my difficult child anymore. I was determined to bring peace and joy back into my life. Here in my office I have a little sign that says, "Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." That is my mantra. It works too. Like they say in the 12 step groups, "it works if you work it."

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I used to consciously go after my anger. It is better to deal with it if you can than try to function around it. I would run until I cried (never took very long, either) or pound a pillow until I could bring it up.

I haven't done those things in a long time. I worked at one of those little island art galleries yesterday afternoon. As the time there passed, I realized I was feeling happier and happier. It has been so long since I have been away from what is happening at home that I actually forgot what it IS to feel happy.

It was the craziest thing, to realize that. To realize not sad (or even, not overwhelmingly sad) is a good day for me.

I've been asked to help again in February. I am going to note whether the same thing happens. It was so funny. As the time wore on, as I spent more and more hours and minutes interacting with people who were happy, surrounded by color and incredible things to see, I could actually feel my mood lift.

I thought I was doing so well!

This is all so impossibly hard. MWM posted today about the difference in 36. She sounded so happy and grateful and surprised, pleased and calm and...I remembered MWM's suffering over 36. And all of our suffering, here. How we try so hard to know how to cope with kids who just aren't right, how hard we try to put positive spins on heartbreaking, spirit-devouring things, how we try to fight our own feelings of depression or anger or powerlessness or hopelessness.

This has to be part of the detachment process.

And this coldness, this capacity to use others ~ even their own mothers ~ this must be something intrinsic to difficult child kids. Part of the definition of the term, I mean. Something different in the way they think, something missing, maybe.

I am sorry this is happening, Echolette. I wish this never had to happen to any of us. We are here together though, and that is such a good and supportive thing.

I am thinking about taking a painting class. I loved being in all that color. I had no idea I was this depressed.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

It's the disease. The lies, the using, the manipulation, the denial, the story of how awesome drugs are, the drama, all of the bare ugliness and self-destruction. It's part of the monster disease. I see this 40-foot-tall monster who has ahold of my precious son. That monster has him completely sewed up right now. And the bad thing is: my son is embracing this monster. He loves the monster. He has accepted and become the monster, for right now.

Underneath, inside is my precious son. He is STILL there. Somewhere. But he will stay submerged until HE decides he doesn't love the monster anymore. One day, he will rear his head back, he will look that monster in the face, and he will start the long, long journey of rejection. Maybe.

The monster plus my son together are too powerful for me to fight. For us to fight. We have done it all, and nearly killed ourselves in the process.

Our job now is to walk in the other direction for a while. Work at the art gallery. Walk beside the ocean. Take a nap. Take a trip. Have a massage. Get to work. Do the laundry. Scrub the floor. Live our lives.

Let it go for now. Feel our own feelings when we need to---the deep fear we still have, the despair, the anger, the helplessness. Feel it for 5 minutes a day or 10 minutes or an hour or for the afternoon---whatever we still need.

Then, get up and walk in the other direction, and claim our own lives and all of the wonderful things in this world that are still available to us.

Take that painting class Cedar! Sign up today.

It is said by some longtime Al-Anons that they are grateful that they had to come to Al-Anon. When I first heard that, I thought these people are nuts. I will NEVER, NEVER think that or say that. That was part of my own denial. Today, I get that.

Life is impossibly painful and wonderful. The question is always: What are we going to do? We have choices. We have so many choices.

We have learned things through our deep pain about our precious children and their choices that some people NEVER learn in their whole lives.

We have cut all of the extraneous things of life away and have looked at the core and have come through to the other side. We are survivors. We are still alive. Isn't it amazing that as much pain as we have felt, we are still alive?

I am very grateful today. The sun is shining here, it is impossibly cold for the South, and there is a lot to live for. I am thankful for the authenticity, truth-telling and sharing from each of you. Have a wonderful day today. You deserve everything good.

 

[recoveringenabler]

My difficult child is not taken over by the drug Monster. It is some kind of personality disorder, mental illness, I will likely never know what. For a long time I believed it was her husband's suicide which brought her to her knees, but it's been almost 14 years since that event and we are way beyond grief and anger now. I have no "reason" just speculation, in any case, the result is the same, she fits the difficult child profile as it is defined here.

I am a believer in our ability to choose joy and peace. I didn't always know that, but these difficult child events have brought that home.

Yesterday she FB'd me in response to my telling her I have her daughter's senior picture for her.............she said her radiator had a crack in it so she couldn't drive, her phone was being turned off for non payment so I couldn't reach her and she hadn't paid her probation bill. I was sitting at my desk at work reading that when all the old thoughts momentarily took hold of my brain............."I'll pay her phone and probation bill." (I didn't go after the car repair.) However, within a minute or so, I thought, "No, I won't pay for any of this." She said in the note, "don't worry Mom." So, I am not going to worry. She is not homeless, she is housed, she has food, she is not in jail, she is not on the streets. For me, that is good. The rest is her choice. At any time she could change these events, but for whatever reason she chooses otherwise. I didn't respond.

I put all of that aside, away from the front of my brain and went on with my day. I chose not to dwell on her and her lack. Instead I chose to think about all the things in my life I am grateful for. SO and I had a really nice day after I left work. It isn't that I don't think about her, I do...................I just don't think about her in that obsessive way I used to, worrying, planning, being afraid and at the same time resentful for the time spent worrying. Now it's a minor bump on my radar screen. Thank God.

I am happy you enjoyed your day at the Gallery Cedar. What a perfect development for you, to be around happy people and art................very nice. You are being shown the colors and the joy again, invited to join LIFE and be a part of the living............I am so happy to hear this.

I think detachment takes time because we have to build a whole new life based on this new information that we don't have to go down with our children's ship..................as parents that goes against everything we used to believe..............but we have to stay on level ground and then after we have accomplished just staying grounded, we have to learn to be on that ground and walk around, look at the beauty, recognize the love, the laughter, the colors, the brilliance, the LIFE......................and then choose to join that life................to be part of that journey. We have to keep making choices to come back to life, one step at a time.

It is amazing Childofmine, that we are not only still alive, but we are thriving, we are laughing, we are loving...........we are engaged in the process of life.................I too am grateful. Perhaps our gratitude is even more profound because we've come from such a dark place and survived.

And, Cedar, keep bringing that joy in to your life............it has to be coaxed back in. It hasn't had any fertile ground to grow in................heartache and fear do not allow joy to grow................little by little you bring in that joy and it dissipates the darkness until one day, there is way more light then dark and joy can thrive........