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When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 617662" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>How did I do it? I just did it. You can not attack me, lunge at me, call me names, betray me by telling tales to my parents, refuse to accept responsibility and then toss me out of your life and expect me to meekly fund you just in case somebody else might think I'm not being nice. You think Jake will like you better if you fund him? He will have NO respect for you if you allow him to treat you this way, even putting his hands on you, yet you pay for his truck, his college, his other stuff. You can buy him a cheap pay as you go phone to keep in touch.</p><p></p><p>Remember, though, I have been in serious therapy since age 23 and I desperately wanted to change my life for the better. I have learned to take what therapists say that is good and leave the rest, which is not always good. I have learned that I matter. I am a wuss to my PCs, but I had no trouble cutting the money off cold when Daughter had cigarettes in her purse. I know a lot of people think, "Cigarettes? Really?" Yes, really. They can and often do kill you and are hard to quit. I was not going to help my daughter pollute her lungs. It was after that I found that she was also using drugs and I refused to help her die by giving her money for meth and psychedelics...heck, even for pot. Guess what? She got a job!!! Now she probably did spend some of that money on drugs and cigarettes, but it didn't come out of my pocket so if, God forbid, she had overdosed and the worst had happened I didn't have to think, "I helped this happen."</p><p></p><p>As for cars, no adult child is entitled to own a car, especially if they may misuse drugs and alcohol. Since when was a truck something you had to pay for? We couldn't afford to get our kids cars, but we made the mistake of getting drug user daughter a used car anyway. She cracked it up in no time. That was $6000 that we didn't have down the toilet.</p><p></p><p>I have no idea if there is a cause and effect here, but when my daughter left, she left without a dime. We sent her nothing. She lived with her straight-arrow, kind-of-a-jerk brother who was so straight, I doubt he can bend even to pick something off the ground. He gave her nothing and charged her rent. It was him or the great outdoors and homelessness. So she was forced to walk to get a meager job at Subway and because she would not be able to stay with him if she didn't have a job, she did it! And she straightened out.</p><p></p><p>I do not give myself any kudos for her turnaround, but it was rather dramatic after she left our home. She had no enablers. She had to get her act together or learn how to panhandle. So it is to her credit that she decided to straighten out her act. But I emphatically believe that our hard stance helped her make her decision that her life, as it was, really stunk. And she will say so too.</p><p></p><p>Today we are best friends and she is expecting our grandchild. I believe in tough love with a child is as out of control as Jake is. If he wants to live with Gran and Gran, let Gran pay for him. If he wants to drive, let Gran get him a car or else let him walk or take t he bus or a cab.</p><p></p><p>I know this is major time hard line, but I just refuse to help my kids self-destruct and I also refuse to do nice things for adult kids who are deliberately abusing me.</p><p></p><p>Did I ever second guess myself? Sure. But I know and knew then that it was the right thing to do. And, by the way, Daughter quit even the cigarettes. I consider that a huge victory. I do not consider cigarettes benign. It is a terrible habit, very hard to break, and I am thrilled that now I have all non-smokers as kids because you can't smoke and visit me.</p><p></p><p>It is amazing at what good work ethics all of my kids have. J., my daughter, has her own house (along with her SO) and works her tail off. Even 36, my biggest difficult child, has a very well paying job and works hard. Whatever else he does, at least he is not asking me for funds that I don't have and when he calls me, it may not always be sweet conversations, but he is not asking me to give him anything.</p><p></p><p>I would never reward a child for going to school. That's what graduation parties are for. Just going to school isn't enough. Let's see what his grades are like, if he finishes, and if he deserves this graduation present. You can't even be sure he is really going.</p><p></p><p>Remember, though, how long I have been in therapy. And because of my mental health challenges, I have gone to psychiatrists, therapists, self-help groups and have done a huge amount of self-help reading on my own as well. So it's probably easier for me. I've been hearing about codependency and enabling since I was in my early 30s. I love my kids. I would die for any of them. I refuse to give them any money that will make them stay children, abuse me, or be used to possibly harm themselves.</p><p></p><p>Vent over <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Remember, you have to feel comfortable in your own skin, but you aren't going to make Jake love you better if you give in to him. Usually it backfires and they just want more and more. Worse, they accuse you of not doing enough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 617662, member: 1550"] How did I do it? I just did it. You can not attack me, lunge at me, call me names, betray me by telling tales to my parents, refuse to accept responsibility and then toss me out of your life and expect me to meekly fund you just in case somebody else might think I'm not being nice. You think Jake will like you better if you fund him? He will have NO respect for you if you allow him to treat you this way, even putting his hands on you, yet you pay for his truck, his college, his other stuff. You can buy him a cheap pay as you go phone to keep in touch. Remember, though, I have been in serious therapy since age 23 and I desperately wanted to change my life for the better. I have learned to take what therapists say that is good and leave the rest, which is not always good. I have learned that I matter. I am a wuss to my PCs, but I had no trouble cutting the money off cold when Daughter had cigarettes in her purse. I know a lot of people think, "Cigarettes? Really?" Yes, really. They can and often do kill you and are hard to quit. I was not going to help my daughter pollute her lungs. It was after that I found that she was also using drugs and I refused to help her die by giving her money for meth and psychedelics...heck, even for pot. Guess what? She got a job!!! Now she probably did spend some of that money on drugs and cigarettes, but it didn't come out of my pocket so if, God forbid, she had overdosed and the worst had happened I didn't have to think, "I helped this happen." As for cars, no adult child is entitled to own a car, especially if they may misuse drugs and alcohol. Since when was a truck something you had to pay for? We couldn't afford to get our kids cars, but we made the mistake of getting drug user daughter a used car anyway. She cracked it up in no time. That was $6000 that we didn't have down the toilet. I have no idea if there is a cause and effect here, but when my daughter left, she left without a dime. We sent her nothing. She lived with her straight-arrow, kind-of-a-jerk brother who was so straight, I doubt he can bend even to pick something off the ground. He gave her nothing and charged her rent. It was him or the great outdoors and homelessness. So she was forced to walk to get a meager job at Subway and because she would not be able to stay with him if she didn't have a job, she did it! And she straightened out. I do not give myself any kudos for her turnaround, but it was rather dramatic after she left our home. She had no enablers. She had to get her act together or learn how to panhandle. So it is to her credit that she decided to straighten out her act. But I emphatically believe that our hard stance helped her make her decision that her life, as it was, really stunk. And she will say so too. Today we are best friends and she is expecting our grandchild. I believe in tough love with a child is as out of control as Jake is. If he wants to live with Gran and Gran, let Gran pay for him. If he wants to drive, let Gran get him a car or else let him walk or take t he bus or a cab. I know this is major time hard line, but I just refuse to help my kids self-destruct and I also refuse to do nice things for adult kids who are deliberately abusing me. Did I ever second guess myself? Sure. But I know and knew then that it was the right thing to do. And, by the way, Daughter quit even the cigarettes. I consider that a huge victory. I do not consider cigarettes benign. It is a terrible habit, very hard to break, and I am thrilled that now I have all non-smokers as kids because you can't smoke and visit me. It is amazing at what good work ethics all of my kids have. J., my daughter, has her own house (along with her SO) and works her tail off. Even 36, my biggest difficult child, has a very well paying job and works hard. Whatever else he does, at least he is not asking me for funds that I don't have and when he calls me, it may not always be sweet conversations, but he is not asking me to give him anything. I would never reward a child for going to school. That's what graduation parties are for. Just going to school isn't enough. Let's see what his grades are like, if he finishes, and if he deserves this graduation present. You can't even be sure he is really going. Remember, though, how long I have been in therapy. And because of my mental health challenges, I have gone to psychiatrists, therapists, self-help groups and have done a huge amount of self-help reading on my own as well. So it's probably easier for me. I've been hearing about codependency and enabling since I was in my early 30s. I love my kids. I would die for any of them. I refuse to give them any money that will make them stay children, abuse me, or be used to possibly harm themselves. Vent over :) Remember, you have to feel comfortable in your own skin, but you aren't going to make Jake love you better if you give in to him. Usually it backfires and they just want more and more. Worse, they accuse you of not doing enough. [/QUOTE]
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