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Parent Emeritus
When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 617664" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>You've gotten great responses and good feedback for your questions. We all have our ways of dealing with our own detachment from our kids, there really isn't a right or wrong answer to your question, it is what we can live with and each scenario is so different. </p><p></p><p>Having said that, I would look within myself to discern what it is that I want,what it is that I don't want,what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. I would consider that often when there is resentment you can be fairly well assured that you are enabling him. If there is loving kindness, that feels good, enabling feels bad. That helped me to make some decisions. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if "total" detachment is real or not. We detach from negative circumstances that people create which harm us, however, we usually always love them, but sometimes we have to do that from afar. They are too wounded or destructive, or violent, or manipulative, or whatever, for us to be safe in their atmosphere.</p><p></p><p>Your son is still pretty young and has that EGO thing going for him, where he still knows everything, so it can be so challenging to deal with that. You want to begin teaching him that he has some responsibility for his own self. If he is working, exactly what is he spending his money on? He has no rent or food bill, so where does the money go? How much is he earning? Look at his earnings and figure out what he can afford with the job he has and insist on him paying for some portion of his insurance. I think I would also have some consequence for his not meeting you too. For instance, when he meets you, you will give him gas money............or when he goes to therapy, you give him gas money............no meeting, no therapy, no gas money.</p><p></p><p>With all their resistance to growing up and being responsible, there really is a training and guidance experience they need to have.......and we do them no favors by making it easy on them because that IS NOT real life. I did that with my daughter and I paid for that mistake dearly..........you don't want to be paying his car insurance when he is 40 years old. But right now, you can set some small boundaries and get him started on being accountable and responsible for himself and his choices.</p><p></p><p>In the final analysis, it's entirely your choice and what you feel right about doing............we can all give you our opinions, even your therapist, but you are the one living this with your son...........and if you make a mistake, you can correct it............so give it some thought and decide what feels right to YOU and then follow that. We all make mistakes in this journey. it's a really hard one.........but after awhile you really know what to do, it all develops over time..........it's a process...........wishing you lots of peace and comfort along the way..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 617664, member: 13542"] You've gotten great responses and good feedback for your questions. We all have our ways of dealing with our own detachment from our kids, there really isn't a right or wrong answer to your question, it is what we can live with and each scenario is so different. Having said that, I would look within myself to discern what it is that I want,what it is that I don't want,what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. I would consider that often when there is resentment you can be fairly well assured that you are enabling him. If there is loving kindness, that feels good, enabling feels bad. That helped me to make some decisions. I don't know if "total" detachment is real or not. We detach from negative circumstances that people create which harm us, however, we usually always love them, but sometimes we have to do that from afar. They are too wounded or destructive, or violent, or manipulative, or whatever, for us to be safe in their atmosphere. Your son is still pretty young and has that EGO thing going for him, where he still knows everything, so it can be so challenging to deal with that. You want to begin teaching him that he has some responsibility for his own self. If he is working, exactly what is he spending his money on? He has no rent or food bill, so where does the money go? How much is he earning? Look at his earnings and figure out what he can afford with the job he has and insist on him paying for some portion of his insurance. I think I would also have some consequence for his not meeting you too. For instance, when he meets you, you will give him gas money............or when he goes to therapy, you give him gas money............no meeting, no therapy, no gas money. With all their resistance to growing up and being responsible, there really is a training and guidance experience they need to have.......and we do them no favors by making it easy on them because that IS NOT real life. I did that with my daughter and I paid for that mistake dearly..........you don't want to be paying his car insurance when he is 40 years old. But right now, you can set some small boundaries and get him started on being accountable and responsible for himself and his choices. In the final analysis, it's entirely your choice and what you feel right about doing............we can all give you our opinions, even your therapist, but you are the one living this with your son...........and if you make a mistake, you can correct it............so give it some thought and decide what feels right to YOU and then follow that. We all make mistakes in this journey. it's a really hard one.........but after awhile you really know what to do, it all develops over time..........it's a process...........wishing you lots of peace and comfort along the way.......... [/QUOTE]
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When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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