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When is total detachment the right thing to do?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 618219" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>My difficult child is not taken over by the drug Monster. It is some kind of personality disorder, mental illness, I will likely never know what. For a long time I believed it was her husband's suicide which brought her to her knees, but it's been almost 14 years since that event and we are way beyond grief and anger now. I have no "reason" just speculation, in any case, the result is the same, she fits the difficult child profile as it is defined here.</p><p></p><p>I am a believer in our ability to choose joy and peace. I didn't always know that, but these difficult child events have brought that home.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday she FB'd me in response to my telling her I have her daughter's senior picture for her.............she said her radiator had a crack in it so she couldn't drive, her phone was being turned off for non payment so I couldn't reach her and she hadn't paid her probation bill. I was sitting at my desk at work reading that when all the old thoughts momentarily took hold of my brain............."I'll pay her phone and probation bill." (I didn't go after the car repair.) However, within a minute or so, I thought, "No, I won't pay for any of this." She said in the note, "don't worry Mom." So, I am not going to worry. She is not homeless, she is housed, she has food, she is not in jail, she is not on the streets. For me, that is good. The rest is her choice. At any time she could change these events, but for whatever reason she chooses otherwise. I didn't respond.</p><p></p><p>I put all of that aside, away from the front of my brain and went on with my day. I chose not to dwell on her and her lack. Instead I chose to think about all the things in my life I am grateful for. SO and I had a really nice day after I left work. It isn't that I don't think about her, I do...................I just don't think about her in that obsessive way I used to, worrying, planning, being afraid and at the same time resentful for the time spent worrying. Now it's a minor bump on my radar screen. Thank God.</p><p></p><p>I am happy you enjoyed your day at the Gallery Cedar. What a perfect development for you, to be around happy people and art................very nice. You are being shown the colors and the joy again, invited to join LIFE and be a part of the living............I am so happy to hear this. </p><p></p><p>I think detachment takes time because we have to build a whole new life based on this new information that we don't have to go down with our children's ship..................as parents that goes against everything we used to believe..............but we have to stay on level ground and then after we have accomplished just staying grounded, we have to learn to be on that ground and walk around, look at the beauty, recognize the love, the laughter, the colors, the brilliance, the LIFE......................and then choose to join that life................to be part of that journey. We have to keep making choices to come back to life, one step at a time.</p><p></p><p>It is amazing Childofmine, that we are not only still alive, but we are thriving, we are laughing, we are loving...........we are engaged in the process of life.................I too am grateful. Perhaps our gratitude is even more profound because we've come from such a dark place and survived. </p><p></p><p>And, Cedar, keep bringing that joy in to your life............it has to be coaxed back in. It hasn't had any fertile ground to grow in................heartache and fear do not allow joy to grow................little by little you bring in that joy and it dissipates the darkness until one day, there is way more light then dark and joy can thrive........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 618219, member: 13542"] My difficult child is not taken over by the drug Monster. It is some kind of personality disorder, mental illness, I will likely never know what. For a long time I believed it was her husband's suicide which brought her to her knees, but it's been almost 14 years since that event and we are way beyond grief and anger now. I have no "reason" just speculation, in any case, the result is the same, she fits the difficult child profile as it is defined here. I am a believer in our ability to choose joy and peace. I didn't always know that, but these difficult child events have brought that home. Yesterday she FB'd me in response to my telling her I have her daughter's senior picture for her.............she said her radiator had a crack in it so she couldn't drive, her phone was being turned off for non payment so I couldn't reach her and she hadn't paid her probation bill. I was sitting at my desk at work reading that when all the old thoughts momentarily took hold of my brain............."I'll pay her phone and probation bill." (I didn't go after the car repair.) However, within a minute or so, I thought, "No, I won't pay for any of this." She said in the note, "don't worry Mom." So, I am not going to worry. She is not homeless, she is housed, she has food, she is not in jail, she is not on the streets. For me, that is good. The rest is her choice. At any time she could change these events, but for whatever reason she chooses otherwise. I didn't respond. I put all of that aside, away from the front of my brain and went on with my day. I chose not to dwell on her and her lack. Instead I chose to think about all the things in my life I am grateful for. SO and I had a really nice day after I left work. It isn't that I don't think about her, I do...................I just don't think about her in that obsessive way I used to, worrying, planning, being afraid and at the same time resentful for the time spent worrying. Now it's a minor bump on my radar screen. Thank God. I am happy you enjoyed your day at the Gallery Cedar. What a perfect development for you, to be around happy people and art................very nice. You are being shown the colors and the joy again, invited to join LIFE and be a part of the living............I am so happy to hear this. I think detachment takes time because we have to build a whole new life based on this new information that we don't have to go down with our children's ship..................as parents that goes against everything we used to believe..............but we have to stay on level ground and then after we have accomplished just staying grounded, we have to learn to be on that ground and walk around, look at the beauty, recognize the love, the laughter, the colors, the brilliance, the LIFE......................and then choose to join that life................to be part of that journey. We have to keep making choices to come back to life, one step at a time. It is amazing Childofmine, that we are not only still alive, but we are thriving, we are laughing, we are loving...........we are engaged in the process of life.................I too am grateful. Perhaps our gratitude is even more profound because we've come from such a dark place and survived. And, Cedar, keep bringing that joy in to your life............it has to be coaxed back in. It hasn't had any fertile ground to grow in................heartache and fear do not allow joy to grow................little by little you bring in that joy and it dissipates the darkness until one day, there is way more light then dark and joy can thrive........ [/QUOTE]
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