When it rains it pours

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Abbey, Jan 16, 2009.

  1. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    One of the reasons I moved to the Arctic was to help care for my father in law who I absolutely adore, but was diagnosed with Alzheimers. It's been very hard on him and mother in law.

    So, two nights ago was the city council meeting which is televised. (Yes, that's the highlight of my night.) He's been on the council for eons and very well known and respected in this community. I'm watching with H and after about two hours I said, "Kev...something isn't right with your dad. He's rambling about things that happened decades ago that make no sense about why the corners are not plowed anymore."

    Last night...get the invite to dinner. About 15 minutes in the 'will' talk started. It's a very uncomfortable conversation to have. They have three pieces of property - their house, which doesn't have one square inch available in it, the house I'm living in, and a cabin in the woods up north (145 acres). Their other kids have no interest in any of it. They tell us about the visits to their attorney who is telling them about all the legalities in this state about wills, needing sub-wills, blah, blah. H is making jokes about just bringing in a backhoe to clean the place out, mother in law is weeping, and I'm selfishly sitting there thinking in the back of my mind that I might be leaving your son in a week.

    Fast forward to early this morning. I get a call from mother in law...he's had a massive stroke. That, being bad enough, is not what has me upset. When they did the MRI it showed that he had a minor stroke in the last year that hit the short term memory part of the brain. WHY DIDN'T THEY GET THIS WHEN THEY DID THE INITIAL EVALUATION???? It's treatable!!!!

    Now they're thinking it wasn't Alzheimers at all. It was the first stroke.

    Good news is that he's stabalized and will probably recover, but not be able to continue his current activities. That will KILL him. Politician should be his first name. I know him well enough to know that he'd rather be dead than not functioning fully.

    H and I will attend the next MRI on Monday because I don't think mother in law can emotionally deal with all of this right now.

    mother in law and I sat and talked for a long time last night about this whole process. I've never lost a parent or spouse so I didn't have any advice. I just listened. They are two peas in a pod. Married 51 years. There's also that sense that you have when you know something is going to happen. She is feeling that and is very afraid.

    I just feel so badly for both of them. I gave a mandatory 2 hour rest for mother in law then will take her back to the hospital.

  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I'm sorry to hear this, 51 years is amazing, I'd imagine they really don't know where one ends and the other begins anymore. They will be in my prayers as will you...I understand the piled on feeling of too much to deal with for one person from too many directions, especially when h or husband isn't being a team player. You are an amazing giving person, hope someone gives a little nurture your way soon.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I'm so sorry - I know you adore him. Despite his inability to knock before coming in your home. Hope they find something that can help him get back to a level he's comfortable with. Sending good vibes and wishes.

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry Abbey. I imagine the pair of them are connected emotionally and this will be so hard on every one who is left. Strokes are so hard.
  5. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Abbey, I am so sorry. This must be so hard on both of them. 51 years together is just amazing! I'm glad that he is expected to recover but it will be a difficult adjustment if he's not able to do what he once did. I will keep your family in my prayers.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry.
  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    My parents were married 57 years when my father passed away. Same there. One just couldn't live without the other. My mother suffered a stroke. This first stroke affected the numbers portion of her brain. She could not use the phone, play cards, anything with numbers. Otherwise she seemed fine. Shortly after she suffered a major stroke. This affected her speech. She would repeat the same thing over and over. "I ate there" You would talk to her and the same response.

    My father had Parkinson's Disease for 20+ years. This also affects the brain. With both the Parkinson's and Stoke, I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about the progression and recovery. Stay strong. mother in law is really going to need support.

    Also, regarding the Will and property. Knowing my father would eventually end up in a nursing home they liquidated their property (cottage in door county). Lots of legal ins and outs, but they took care of it all before the nursing home. Which has to be done like 3 years prior to entering a nursing home.

    good luck. PM if you want more info.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Abbey, so very sorry to hear it. But honestly, a small stroke is far better than Alzheimer's. So at least there was a bit of good news to all of the bad. I know a major stroke is nothing to snub your nose at but it's better than something that gets progressively worse over a rather short period of time. As you said, there is a good chance of recovery with stroke.

    My father in law had a massive stroke right before husband and I got married. Extremely active man. He and his wife reached a compromise. He mellowed out on his activity level......for the first year focusing on his PT, and she didn't over nag him. lol He was stubborn as all get out and wound up having an amazing recovery after being hemiplegic. (one whole side of his body was paralyzed) Within 2 yrs he was just as active as he'd been before. He went on to have 2 major heart attacks over a period of 15 years. And even those didn't keep him down.

    The compromise allowed father in law to keep his quality of life at a level that kept him going. He was never just someone who sat around.

    ((((hugs)))) and prayers for all of you.

    Oh, and by the way, don't feel so guilty about the whole husband thing. I'm in the same boat with mother in law. But I've settled it in my mind. If/when I give husband the boot........it doesn't mean mother in law will stop being my mother in law and someone I love and take care of. Know what I mean?? What goes on between me and husband has nothing to do with the relationship I have with his mother.
  9. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Abbey, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to father in law. I'd be angry, too, that the first stroke was missed.

    What Lisa said about her father in law's response and recovery to his stroke may prove to be a similar outcome for your father in law. If he's already got that drive it may serve him well and help him recover faster and better than someone who is already slowing down in their life. Know what I mean??

  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    They're taking him out of his drug induced state in an hour. Then they'll be able to acess the level of damage. Brought mother in law home, ran to the store for stuff to make ham and been soup for her and will go back in a bit. I hope the best for him.

  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sad for your mother in law and father in law. husband Grandfather.

    I hope he recovers and continues to come in your house without knocking!
    You are a wonderful person for doing all of this.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Okay but .......gotta ask -

    WHY would you want a cabin 145 miles MORE NORTH than where you are now? bbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    If you don't want it can I hab it?
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm so sorry....please keep us posted on how he's doing.
  14. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    How very sad. End of life issues aren't always very pleasant. I'm sorry Abbey. You're a wonderful daughter in law. They are lucky to have you.
  15. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Aw Abs...I'm so sorry to hear that. Sending prayers that he has a great recovery.


    And like Daisy said....your relationship is seperate from your relationship with the inlaws. Given what you've said about them, they sound like people who would understand once you explain things to them.
  16. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Ab, what's raising flags all over the place is your statement about leaving husband. Seriously?

    I hope you can work things out. Sounds like you really care about mother in law and father in law.
  17. ML

    ML Guest

    Abbey I'm so sorry. I'm sending cyber hugs to your inlaws and to you.
  18. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Just got back from the hospital. He seems to be doing good. The medications have not worn off comletely so the veridic is still out. I hate to see him like this.

    Yes, Loth...that is in the works. Whether it happens or not will bee seen. A lot is up in the air and I don't like letting people down.

  19. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    I am so sorry. My Mother had a stroke last year and it is so frightening and uncertain.
    Surprisiingly her Mother who is, you know, older and seen more, was upset naturally but she was very confident it would work out ok. Since she is not the upbeat type person we were left feeliing astonished. AT the time the docs were mri ing her to see what had happened and the damage was stagering. But she survived it and struggled back to the point where mentally she is good to go.
    ANd she was walking with aid in a year. And with stroke the progress just keeps mooving along with the rehab.
    I found lots of resourses on line and hope you do look and there is so much warm wonderful comfort to find in people who are available and care and have been through this. Alos... a place for Mom... will help as you try to locate and rate what support care available. Good luck and god be with you and your loved ones in this sad time.

    Have someone take your picture when you just look like hell from the greif and the crying so later when he is feeling better you can show him what he did to you.
    My eyes dropped over from crying so much and when it happened I thought "now I will have to get a cosmetic proceedure" And my Dad who was so heroic for weeks and weeks one night decides to walk home and falls down oveer and over so he was all scratched up and bruiced.
    REmember they had the stroke. And this is what it does to the families of the stroke victum.
  20. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Just talked to the nurse. He is responding well and appears to have some small movement in his right side. She said that was a great sign, but it might take time to come around. Picking up mother in law in a bit to take her over there.

    Thanks for your support.