When it rains it pours...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mominator, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. Mominator

    Mominator Member

    I think my antidepressant took the day off yesterday. Everything made me cry. Fortunately, I have therapy today.

    Saw both of my sons over the weekend. Friday was our first family therapy session with the youngest son and it went much better than expected. So, I guess I got my hopes up. But yesterday the residential treatment facility emailed that he'd gotten suspended for the 7th day this year and that for the 4th straight week, he was refusing to do his therapy treatment work. My husband and I called him last night. We weren't the "hang in there you can do it" parents for him this time because we've been very positive for months now and it doesn't seem to work for this kid. We laid out the facts of life including the unfortunate fact that even though he's only 12, he has 100% control over his life. He can choose to do his court ordered treatment now, or he can either return to juvenile detention or be placed in a level one lock down unit and work on his ODD and conduct issues first. Either way, he will have to return for the court ordered treatment. It doesn't matter to "the system". They are perfectly willing and able to keep him till he's 18 then turn him over to the adult authorities. This kid hates being told anything he does is wrong, so as is his usual, he starts talking very soft (so his dad who is deaf in one ear can't hear him). When I told him he was being disrespectful and reminded him the short term satisfaction he gets from his behavior has long term consequences, he quit talking completely. So, I ended the call with him.

    On a good note, my oldest son has begun part 3 of 4 of his therapy. (The youngest boy is on part one still.)

    Then on top of all of this my 26y/o daughter who was medically discharged from the military was told she would need surgery on both of her knees (they won't do both at the same time) to put pins in the tibia bone to hold the knee cap in place. She will be incapacitated for about 10 weeks with physical therapy 3x week. She lives thousands of miles away from me. We told her we can not come to her for support, but she and her 2 anti-social cats are welcome to come home for those weeks. It's going to be rough because the younger kids think they can copy her (I treat her as an adult but she's a bit immature and VERY opinionated). I get along with her, we have a lot of fun together, but only if no one else is around. She and dad butt heads because they both expect the other to shut up when he/she starts talking and it usually ends in a fight.

    Anyone remember Seinfeld? SERENITY NOW!!! I'm getting an early start because practice makes perfect!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Did you ever join an adoptive parent group? Your social worker should know of one. In our case (and we live in the boondocks) the group was just one town over and the social workers actually facilitated it. At our very worst, we were able to find comfort and solace and practical, good, no-nonsense advice from other adoptive parents who had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids and were in various stages of angst. It was good to feel understood and validated. And to k now that it was not our fault...that the kids who came with so many issues already in their little minds...we had inherited what we had nothing to do with. It was not our house, our parenting, our influence...it was just that love doesn't conquer all and that some kids are so damaged by the time we get them that they are afraid of love, act worse when they feel it, don't want "family" to be too close, and can do the most horrible things because they are hurt so badly. WE also had to face that some children can not be healed and that this too is not our faults. We learned to protect ourselves and our other children from dangerous chidlren. We learned how to put alarms and cameras in our home to monitor children. We learned a lifetime we would not have known had we not joined this group.

    The group was about an hour away, but it was well worth the drive. When we were crumbling, they picked us up. They helped with our children, whom the one kid had hurt. They were our lifeline. They understood. I understand. I get what you are going through. I can not tell you what you should do about it, but I can care about you and hope and pray for your situation.

    Few of us know what we are getting into when we take in older children who have already been battered and abused and most of us feel that if we just love them enough they will get better. And, of course, most people do not deal with the extent of sickness we did with our child I call psychokid. It's not n ice, I know, but I made it up when he had just gone from our home and it stuck and it, sadly, best describes him. He was and is a danger to anyone who trusts him. He spent years in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but did not learn anything from it. His social worker kept in touch and said he was always looking for the next victim to pick on, tease, steal from or, yes, sexually touch. And they were all boys in his lockdown facility. Boys, girls...he didn't care which. Now he is on the streets as an adult (shudder). Some people do best with structure and monitoring. Some do not do well once they are released from that, even if they did great with structure. It is impossible to guess in advance.

    I hope things go better for you, but remember not to ever trust either alone with your girls or even with nieces or neighborhood children. That is if they allow him home. I don't think they ever would have allowed psychokid to come back, even if we had wanted it. They were concerned about the victims, the younger two.
     
  3. Mominator

    Mominator Member

    Before adopting, I prayed tons. I prayed for kids who needed us and kids we could help. I've told so many people that I've lost count that these kids didn't get a good foundation early in life, and my husband and I were going to fill in those holes if at all possible. This foster/adopt case was difficult and messed up. But so many doors were opened up that I knew we had God's blessings. After the boys were arrested, I kept praying. Doors continued to open. Things that most people who have had experience with the juvenile justice system said they'd never seen before or could never happen have already happened. Again we knew God's blessings. But in dealing with the younger son, it occurred to me that maybe saving 2 or 3 of the 4 was all that my husband and I were meant to do. So I prayed and asked that if it was God's will, the boys would do their therapy and show very visible signs of change, and those changes would be favorably received by the courts. On the other hand, If it wasn't HIS will, then I asked HIM to make it so one or both couldn't come home.

    I don't want this answer, but I'm starting to think one of my boys will come home and one won't. And it kills me because I've caught so many glimpses of the sweet, scared, anxious little boy underneath the anger and defiance and I don't know how to reach it on a permanent basis.

    I know I'm strong. I know I will make it through this. I also know the rest of my family will be all right in the long run. But I know too that if this boy makes this decision right now not to open up, not to learn from treatment, he is making a decision that will affect him for the rest of his life. I know there is nothing I can do about it except pray.
     
  4. Mominator

    Mominator Member

    Sorry. No I never joined an adoption group. There was one started in my area, but it didn't last and I got so caught up in the forest of trees I didn't look for another. But thank you for reminding me and I will find one.
     
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