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when our grown kids disappoint us
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 510988" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you. Yes, I read a similar statement about the entitlement and how we as parents contributed to that. And now the major marketers market to teens, they have the money!! When I was a kid I had no money and no buying power, it sure has changed. </p><p></p><p>I have to admit I did over give to my difficult child, she is entitled. My SO calls her an <em>entitled homeless person. </em>Yikes. Someone here asked the question <em>what is the lesson we are supposed to learn from having these difficult child's. </em>I've been thinking about that. I also believe life is about lessons to be learned, and I believe, for me, it's been all about letting go and caring for myself as much as I care about others. They're linked together for me. </p><p></p><p>I have had to balance all that I do for others with how I care for myself and let go of the enabling/rescuing/codependency parts of my personality that in fact hurt me. I've learned a lot about these issues for the last 40 years, since I began therapy and started on a healing program for myself. In retrospect, I can see the journey has been so long and filled with so many pot holes, each one a wake up call for me to observe or not, but to learn to love myself, to accept myself and to honor myself. I think I took on the giver role as self protection as a kid, the way my family would accept me, to take care of everyone's feelings, to be the caregiver. I made a career out of that! Little by little I've learned how much that whittles away at your self esteem, your self trust and your ability to create success and prosperity. As I have learned to balance my giving with my receiving, my life has improved on every level. And, it's been hard. Codependency recovery is very challenging. But, in my opinion, worth it.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday after an emotional phone conversation with my difficult child, where she felt invisible at our home given all the boundaries we set around her, I felt bad. I could understand how she felt, of course, she cannot equate her behavior, past and present, with how she is treated now, but even so, it feels bad to feel invisible. So, when I woke up I wrote her a very, very long email where I told her how I needed to let her know what my resentments over the years have been, before I could be in a position to really be present for her now. It was an interesting process. I went back 20 years, to where the first choices she made began negatively impacting my life. She has always had all the 'air time' with the drama, intensity, constant blame and negativity, I have remained in the background, quietly suffering. I told her all of it. How all her choices impacted me, on all levels, emotionally, financially, in my relationships, how it impacts my life to be raising her daughter in my retirement years, all of it. It felt so good to empty myself of all of that. </p><p></p><p>I have no idea how she will react or respond. I said if she wanted to meet on Sunday to discuss the email and perhaps give her a forum to state her resentments (that could be a long day!!!) we could do that, I am willing. She actually left on Sunday and is staying elsewhere now. She was upset that I said if she wasn't out by March 1st SO and I would wrap up her stuff and drag it to the end of the driveway. I can't blame her for being upset. It's not the usual conversation you would have with your daughter. However, I know her and she doesn't just leave on her own, so that comment made it clear we would not put up with any other deadlines. </p><p></p><p>I feel as if I did a good job with the boundaries. I feel bad that she is feeling bad, but that is her problem now. I don't know if she has a job, or a place to stay or how she is getting to her probation, I haven't asked any questions at all. I feel done with this chapter. I hope she and I can find some connection, but I don't know if we can. Yes, every day I let go.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 510988, member: 13542"] Thank you. Yes, I read a similar statement about the entitlement and how we as parents contributed to that. And now the major marketers market to teens, they have the money!! When I was a kid I had no money and no buying power, it sure has changed. I have to admit I did over give to my difficult child, she is entitled. My SO calls her an [I]entitled homeless person. [/I]Yikes. Someone here asked the question [I]what is the lesson we are supposed to learn from having these difficult child's. [/I]I've been thinking about that. I also believe life is about lessons to be learned, and I believe, for me, it's been all about letting go and caring for myself as much as I care about others. They're linked together for me. I have had to balance all that I do for others with how I care for myself and let go of the enabling/rescuing/codependency parts of my personality that in fact hurt me. I've learned a lot about these issues for the last 40 years, since I began therapy and started on a healing program for myself. In retrospect, I can see the journey has been so long and filled with so many pot holes, each one a wake up call for me to observe or not, but to learn to love myself, to accept myself and to honor myself. I think I took on the giver role as self protection as a kid, the way my family would accept me, to take care of everyone's feelings, to be the caregiver. I made a career out of that! Little by little I've learned how much that whittles away at your self esteem, your self trust and your ability to create success and prosperity. As I have learned to balance my giving with my receiving, my life has improved on every level. And, it's been hard. Codependency recovery is very challenging. But, in my opinion, worth it. Yesterday after an emotional phone conversation with my difficult child, where she felt invisible at our home given all the boundaries we set around her, I felt bad. I could understand how she felt, of course, she cannot equate her behavior, past and present, with how she is treated now, but even so, it feels bad to feel invisible. So, when I woke up I wrote her a very, very long email where I told her how I needed to let her know what my resentments over the years have been, before I could be in a position to really be present for her now. It was an interesting process. I went back 20 years, to where the first choices she made began negatively impacting my life. She has always had all the 'air time' with the drama, intensity, constant blame and negativity, I have remained in the background, quietly suffering. I told her all of it. How all her choices impacted me, on all levels, emotionally, financially, in my relationships, how it impacts my life to be raising her daughter in my retirement years, all of it. It felt so good to empty myself of all of that. I have no idea how she will react or respond. I said if she wanted to meet on Sunday to discuss the email and perhaps give her a forum to state her resentments (that could be a long day!!!) we could do that, I am willing. She actually left on Sunday and is staying elsewhere now. She was upset that I said if she wasn't out by March 1st SO and I would wrap up her stuff and drag it to the end of the driveway. I can't blame her for being upset. It's not the usual conversation you would have with your daughter. However, I know her and she doesn't just leave on her own, so that comment made it clear we would not put up with any other deadlines. I feel as if I did a good job with the boundaries. I feel bad that she is feeling bad, but that is her problem now. I don't know if she has a job, or a place to stay or how she is getting to her probation, I haven't asked any questions at all. I feel done with this chapter. I hope she and I can find some connection, but I don't know if we can. Yes, every day I let go. [/QUOTE]
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