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General Parenting
When parents keep giving your kid money?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 329334" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I have spent the last several years in something of a similar situation. My difficult child does not have substance abuse issues that we know of, nor is he a runner. He is obsessive on other things. He moved to my parents because it was there or have a judge place him somewhere as he was abusive to me physically at any time my husband was not home.</p><p></p><p>My folks begged me to let them have a chance.</p><p></p><p>I have found out about many things after the fact that they chose not to tell me about. There are very few specific things I asked of them, and even fewer limits I placed on them or him. They still chose to not tell me about some things, thinking I would chose to go forward with charges or revoke their custody. It wasn't formal custody anyway.</p><p></p><p>All that you can do it give your daughter what you want her to have. Tell your parents that if they choose to give her even $20 it will be used for sub abuse. Make it clear that if they do this then THEY will have to deal with the after-effects. Don't let her come to your home if she has gotten money from them. Make them deal with all of it, or else have her come home and deal with it yourself.</p><p></p><p>It really doesn't owrk to try to force them to follow your rules. It sets YOU up as the meanie, not even letting her have money to eat out with a friend or go to a movie. ELt them handle her not coming home. Just don't provide a place for them to whine about her not coming home. Change the subject or end the call if they start.</p><p></p><p>You might consider inviting them to attend al-anon with you. It will be good for you, for them, and for difficult child.</p><p></p><p>If you put the rule that difficult child cannot be given cash into play, you then have to find a way to enforce it upon your parents. THey live with her, they may know you are right, but obviously they also buy into her "poor me" victim routine. I fear that all that is happening is discord between you and your parents, with difficult child benefiting. </p><p></p><p>If you can back off, let your mom know it is hard, that you understand. Let her feel supported and she may start standing up for the no cash rule if she and your dad enforce it. Otherwise all it will do (the rule) is drive a wedge between you and your parents. That doesn't benefit anyone.</p><p></p><p>This is hard. I know, believe me. In the long run it is all you really can do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 329334, member: 1233"] I have spent the last several years in something of a similar situation. My difficult child does not have substance abuse issues that we know of, nor is he a runner. He is obsessive on other things. He moved to my parents because it was there or have a judge place him somewhere as he was abusive to me physically at any time my husband was not home. My folks begged me to let them have a chance. I have found out about many things after the fact that they chose not to tell me about. There are very few specific things I asked of them, and even fewer limits I placed on them or him. They still chose to not tell me about some things, thinking I would chose to go forward with charges or revoke their custody. It wasn't formal custody anyway. All that you can do it give your daughter what you want her to have. Tell your parents that if they choose to give her even $20 it will be used for sub abuse. Make it clear that if they do this then THEY will have to deal with the after-effects. Don't let her come to your home if she has gotten money from them. Make them deal with all of it, or else have her come home and deal with it yourself. It really doesn't owrk to try to force them to follow your rules. It sets YOU up as the meanie, not even letting her have money to eat out with a friend or go to a movie. ELt them handle her not coming home. Just don't provide a place for them to whine about her not coming home. Change the subject or end the call if they start. You might consider inviting them to attend al-anon with you. It will be good for you, for them, and for difficult child. If you put the rule that difficult child cannot be given cash into play, you then have to find a way to enforce it upon your parents. THey live with her, they may know you are right, but obviously they also buy into her "poor me" victim routine. I fear that all that is happening is discord between you and your parents, with difficult child benefiting. If you can back off, let your mom know it is hard, that you understand. Let her feel supported and she may start standing up for the no cash rule if she and your dad enforce it. Otherwise all it will do (the rule) is drive a wedge between you and your parents. That doesn't benefit anyone. This is hard. I know, believe me. In the long run it is all you really can do. [/QUOTE]
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