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Family of Origin
When parents still abuse their adult children:
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 675101" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Cedar, I am not sure this is true.</p><p></p><p>I think you hang onto the family dinner, because you feel it is the cornerstone of who you are, and if you give it up, the part of you that you believe is most fundamental no longer exists. The thing is, the family dinner is a symbol. It was never, ever important in itself. You used it to build a self and a life of integrity and grace and excellence. You used it as a measure against which to weigh every choice. A criteria, so to speak, to help you live. It worked.</p><p></p><p>In so doing you have built a superstructure of moral choices, which is now you. The family dinner has served its purpose. It has served you well.</p><p></p><p>But it is not you. You are the choices and relationships, and values, and actions that define you and your life. You no longer need the family dinner. It is archaic.</p><p></p><p>Everything it can teach you you have incorporated already. Now it is holding you back, making you smaller. Because it is fooling you. It tethers you to false beliefs about yourself and your family.</p><p></p><p>Really, I think ritual may help. A coming to age ritual, like all traditional societies have to help young people come of age, that our society lacks.</p><p></p><p>There is a ritualized way that people say goodbye to the past, which they have left behind, need to leave behind, in order to grow.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking now of my Dolly, the boxer. She insists sometimes of trying to fit into the cat's bed or Romy's crate. (Romy is maybe 14 pounds. Dolly is over 50.) That is the image that comes to mind with the family dinner.</p><p></p><p>You are too big. Trying over and over again to achieve it, just makes you smaller than you need to be. Than you are.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 675101, member: 18958"] Cedar, I am not sure this is true. I think you hang onto the family dinner, because you feel it is the cornerstone of who you are, and if you give it up, the part of you that you believe is most fundamental no longer exists. The thing is, the family dinner is a symbol. It was never, ever important in itself. You used it to build a self and a life of integrity and grace and excellence. You used it as a measure against which to weigh every choice. A criteria, so to speak, to help you live. It worked. In so doing you have built a superstructure of moral choices, which is now you. The family dinner has served its purpose. It has served you well. But it is not you. You are the choices and relationships, and values, and actions that define you and your life. You no longer need the family dinner. It is archaic. Everything it can teach you you have incorporated already. Now it is holding you back, making you smaller. Because it is fooling you. It tethers you to false beliefs about yourself and your family. Really, I think ritual may help. A coming to age ritual, like all traditional societies have to help young people come of age, that our society lacks. There is a ritualized way that people say goodbye to the past, which they have left behind, need to leave behind, in order to grow. I am thinking now of my Dolly, the boxer. She insists sometimes of trying to fit into the cat's bed or Romy's crate. (Romy is maybe 14 pounds. Dolly is over 50.) That is the image that comes to mind with the family dinner. You are too big. Trying over and over again to achieve it, just makes you smaller than you need to be. Than you are. COPA [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
When parents still abuse their adult children:
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