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When to cut the ties
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 652293" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Billy63, borderlines, unlike some substance abusers who were normal before they started using drugs, do not do well being told there is something wrong with them and I would personally not try an intervention on a borderline. It's meaning will be misconstrued, used against you "you're trying to make everyone thing I'm crazy and it's YOU"...and a stay in a hospital does not help borderline personality disorder. It takes a real willingness and desire on the part of the borderline to want to change and years and years of therapy. There is NO NO NO fast fix and no fix at all if the borderline thinks she's fine and it's everyone else. Or if she thinks it's YOU she can get dangerous to you and you could lose all contact with granddaughter. Borderlines are liars so your Difficult Child could call CPS and say you abused your granddaughter and there you go. I'm not saying she'd do it, but a borderline is absolutely, if nothing else, totally unpredictable.</p><p></p><p>I learned about borderline because I thought I'd had traits when I was younger. I found out later that I probably had a few traits, but not the whole ugly spectrum, which was why I desperately wanted to change and to work hard to change, which I did. I do not know how many full borderlines get help. The percentage is low. Most are happy enough controlling everyone around them and scaring their family into catering to them. My mom and sister are classic "cut you out of my life and I won't think twice about it" borderlines. My mom was cruel to the end and struck back through the grave by disinheriting me and telling my sibs not to list me in her obit. There is much more, but that's how bad it can get. I had tried to please her or at least come to peace with her and I thought I had. She tricked me. She hated me as much as ever. Nobody knows exactly why, but everyone does say the hate level increased when my grandmother (also with major problems) left money to my biological son and not my adopted kids, but they were minors and I refused to give all the money just to him. It was not much, but it was the meanness of the gesture that I refused to go along with. After that, because she could never make me do it, she wrote me off for not wanting to do that to my adopted kids. My bio. son knows about it and thinks it was a dumb thing to do. He agrees with me, not grandma. At any rate, this was my family of origin and I tried to do better and I did do better. Four of my five kids love and respect me and are close. That's much better than everyone else has done in my sick family, or ex-family as I think of them. My kids, except for GoneBoy, do not think of their childhoods as anything except fun and good! That's a victory for me, in my mind, as the black sheep of my ex-family and the scape goat. It isn't perfect, but I try and it is much better.</p><p></p><p>You can not change your daughter. I think that getting your entire family together to confront her will enrage her and make things even worse. Read up more on borderline. Until she accepts having it, she can't get help for it. She will not admit her behavior to any therapist and all they can go by is what they are told. If a client lies, that is what a therapist has to work with. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy created by Dr. Marsha Lineham is the only known effective treatment for Borderline (BPD) and it requires a commitment before anyone is allowed to attend therapy. It is usually done in a group and there are very strict rules because borderlines can be so high maintenance that the therapist must lay down the law. You can put DBT Self-Help into your search engine and a very cool site will come up which can maybe help you understand Difficult Child and deal with her better. Learn DBT skills and use them even if she is unaware that you are using therapy on her.</p><p></p><p>Other than that, walk your path. We all go in our own directions. I wanted that perfect family too, but I learned to be very grateful for what I have and to ask my Higher Power for strength every day. I'm in a good place. You can get here too. Holding you back is the mindset, in the back of your head that tells you you can change your daughter. But that's part of your journey you must walk. I wish you lots of luck <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 652293, member: 1550"] Billy63, borderlines, unlike some substance abusers who were normal before they started using drugs, do not do well being told there is something wrong with them and I would personally not try an intervention on a borderline. It's meaning will be misconstrued, used against you "you're trying to make everyone thing I'm crazy and it's YOU"...and a stay in a hospital does not help borderline personality disorder. It takes a real willingness and desire on the part of the borderline to want to change and years and years of therapy. There is NO NO NO fast fix and no fix at all if the borderline thinks she's fine and it's everyone else. Or if she thinks it's YOU she can get dangerous to you and you could lose all contact with granddaughter. Borderlines are liars so your Difficult Child could call CPS and say you abused your granddaughter and there you go. I'm not saying she'd do it, but a borderline is absolutely, if nothing else, totally unpredictable. I learned about borderline because I thought I'd had traits when I was younger. I found out later that I probably had a few traits, but not the whole ugly spectrum, which was why I desperately wanted to change and to work hard to change, which I did. I do not know how many full borderlines get help. The percentage is low. Most are happy enough controlling everyone around them and scaring their family into catering to them. My mom and sister are classic "cut you out of my life and I won't think twice about it" borderlines. My mom was cruel to the end and struck back through the grave by disinheriting me and telling my sibs not to list me in her obit. There is much more, but that's how bad it can get. I had tried to please her or at least come to peace with her and I thought I had. She tricked me. She hated me as much as ever. Nobody knows exactly why, but everyone does say the hate level increased when my grandmother (also with major problems) left money to my biological son and not my adopted kids, but they were minors and I refused to give all the money just to him. It was not much, but it was the meanness of the gesture that I refused to go along with. After that, because she could never make me do it, she wrote me off for not wanting to do that to my adopted kids. My bio. son knows about it and thinks it was a dumb thing to do. He agrees with me, not grandma. At any rate, this was my family of origin and I tried to do better and I did do better. Four of my five kids love and respect me and are close. That's much better than everyone else has done in my sick family, or ex-family as I think of them. My kids, except for GoneBoy, do not think of their childhoods as anything except fun and good! That's a victory for me, in my mind, as the black sheep of my ex-family and the scape goat. It isn't perfect, but I try and it is much better. You can not change your daughter. I think that getting your entire family together to confront her will enrage her and make things even worse. Read up more on borderline. Until she accepts having it, she can't get help for it. She will not admit her behavior to any therapist and all they can go by is what they are told. If a client lies, that is what a therapist has to work with. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy created by Dr. Marsha Lineham is the only known effective treatment for Borderline (BPD) and it requires a commitment before anyone is allowed to attend therapy. It is usually done in a group and there are very strict rules because borderlines can be so high maintenance that the therapist must lay down the law. You can put DBT Self-Help into your search engine and a very cool site will come up which can maybe help you understand Difficult Child and deal with her better. Learn DBT skills and use them even if she is unaware that you are using therapy on her. Other than that, walk your path. We all go in our own directions. I wanted that perfect family too, but I learned to be very grateful for what I have and to ask my Higher Power for strength every day. I'm in a good place. You can get here too. Holding you back is the mindset, in the back of your head that tells you you can change your daughter. But that's part of your journey you must walk. I wish you lots of luck :) [/QUOTE]
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