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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653888" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Re: The similarities in our stories and insights regarding our families of origin.</p><p></p><p>I remember when I first came to understand how similarly our addicted or difficult child children behave, though they had all been raised so differently. I remember posting about them doing the same things, using the same words to condemn us, stealing from us or manipulating us so cruelly, so callously, no matter how they had been raised. </p><p></p><p>It is remarkable that this could be so.</p><p></p><p>There was freedom from guilt for me in understanding that the question was not where had I gone wrong as a mother that this happened to my children. It was happening to all of our children, here on the site. And we are all very different women (or men), with a multiplicity of parenting techniques and economic realities and etc.</p><p></p><p>But the kids are doing the same freaking things, to the point that we can advise one another about how we handled thus and so, and it works for someone whose child we have never even met.</p><p></p><p>And we could not find that thing that made it happen, that commonality among us that somehow destroyed our children. (I did find that many of us were uber moms, were mother of the year types. <em>That is why we are still here. We are generally a competent, intelligent bunch who do not give up or accept the status quo.</em></p><p></p><p><em>We were great moms then and we are exemplary moms, now.</em></p><p></p><p>But that fact about who and how we are has not changed things for our children.</p><p></p><p>So, we are healing ourselves. We are honestly sharing the hurt and the shame of it because that is what we do. In our lives, that is how we do it, how we approach whatever the problem is that we intend to see addressed to the best of our ability.</p><p></p><p><em>It is the same thing where our families of origin are concerned.</em></p><p></p><p><em>We are who we are and so we believed we could help all of us, that we could heal the wrongnesses that seemed so simple to us.</em> This made us primary, and utterly defenseless, targets. Half the time, we do not see abuse as abuse. We see it as a misunderstanding because surely no one would hurt someone else on purpose for nothing much at all, just on general principle.</p><p></p><p>That is why we still don't get it.</p><p></p><p>We don't find that echo of reality in our hearts that tells us this is true. It makes us feel like the world is insane if we entertain such thoughts. We say things (like I do all the time) like "it is what it is" and "why doesn't matter".</p><p></p><p>In any event, when we are here together on the site, sharing as honestly as we do in our real lives, stepping right up to foolish or loser or fraud or all the horrible things we were taught to call or believe about ourselves, we see that our families of origin are eerily similar, too ~ the same way our difficult child children seem eerily similar.</p><p></p><p>And there is freedom for us in knowing that.</p><p></p><p>We can set ourselves free with that knowledge.</p><p></p><p>When people tell us that abuse is nothing personal ~ whether that is abuse between mates or family members or friends ~ <em>this is true.</em> Abusers abuse because they abuse.</p><p></p><p>Why doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>It literally and perfectly and terminally has nothing whatsoever to do with us or whether we offended someone or whether we misconstrued what was said or any of that stuff.</p><p></p><p>Abusers abuse because they abuse.</p><p></p><p>What matters is that those of us who try so hard to listen, and to find a way to understand and support and make better stop taking the stupidly mean things our abusers say or do seriously.</p><p></p><p>They have chosen to give up the right to be seen with dignity, or to be honored or even, believed, when they made the choice to abuse <em>us or anyone else</em>.</p><p></p><p>We will find, as we open to it, that our abusive family members abuse everyone in their lives.</p><p></p><p>I am seeing that, now.</p><p></p><p>That is why I was named foolish or romantic, and was told not to think.</p><p></p><p>Not to mention all those other bad things that were done to me but which I survived pretty handily, now that I think about it.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p>Imagine how it feels to be me, learning those terrible true things I just couldn't change or do anything about were not bad things.</p><p></p><p>There is a reason why myth and fairy tales tell stories with this same theme.</p><p></p><p>Because it happens all the time, and it is happening to us, now.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/choir.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":choir:" title="choir :choir:" data-shortname=":choir:" /></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653888, member: 17461"] Re: The similarities in our stories and insights regarding our families of origin. I remember when I first came to understand how similarly our addicted or difficult child children behave, though they had all been raised so differently. I remember posting about them doing the same things, using the same words to condemn us, stealing from us or manipulating us so cruelly, so callously, no matter how they had been raised. It is remarkable that this could be so. There was freedom from guilt for me in understanding that the question was not where had I gone wrong as a mother that this happened to my children. It was happening to all of our children, here on the site. And we are all very different women (or men), with a multiplicity of parenting techniques and economic realities and etc. But the kids are doing the same freaking things, to the point that we can advise one another about how we handled thus and so, and it works for someone whose child we have never even met. And we could not find that thing that made it happen, that commonality among us that somehow destroyed our children. (I did find that many of us were uber moms, were mother of the year types. [I]That is why we are still here. We are generally a competent, intelligent bunch who do not give up or accept the status quo.[/I] [I]We were great moms then and we are exemplary moms, now.[/I] But that fact about who and how we are has not changed things for our children. So, we are healing ourselves. We are honestly sharing the hurt and the shame of it because that is what we do. In our lives, that is how we do it, how we approach whatever the problem is that we intend to see addressed to the best of our ability. [I]It is the same thing where our families of origin are concerned.[/I] [I]We are who we are and so we believed we could help all of us, that we could heal the wrongnesses that seemed so simple to us.[/I] This made us primary, and utterly defenseless, targets. Half the time, we do not see abuse as abuse. We see it as a misunderstanding because surely no one would hurt someone else on purpose for nothing much at all, just on general principle. That is why we still don't get it. We don't find that echo of reality in our hearts that tells us this is true. It makes us feel like the world is insane if we entertain such thoughts. We say things (like I do all the time) like "it is what it is" and "why doesn't matter". In any event, when we are here together on the site, sharing as honestly as we do in our real lives, stepping right up to foolish or loser or fraud or all the horrible things we were taught to call or believe about ourselves, we see that our families of origin are eerily similar, too ~ the same way our difficult child children seem eerily similar. And there is freedom for us in knowing that. We can set ourselves free with that knowledge. When people tell us that abuse is nothing personal ~ whether that is abuse between mates or family members or friends ~ [I]this is true.[/I] Abusers abuse because they abuse. Why doesn't matter. It literally and perfectly and terminally has nothing whatsoever to do with us or whether we offended someone or whether we misconstrued what was said or any of that stuff. Abusers abuse because they abuse. What matters is that those of us who try so hard to listen, and to find a way to understand and support and make better stop taking the stupidly mean things our abusers say or do seriously. They have chosen to give up the right to be seen with dignity, or to be honored or even, believed, when they made the choice to abuse [I]us or anyone else[/I]. We will find, as we open to it, that our abusive family members abuse everyone in their lives. I am seeing that, now. That is why I was named foolish or romantic, and was told not to think. Not to mention all those other bad things that were done to me but which I survived pretty handily, now that I think about it. :hugs: Imagine how it feels to be me, learning those terrible true things I just couldn't change or do anything about were not bad things. There is a reason why myth and fairy tales tell stories with this same theme. Because it happens all the time, and it is happening to us, now. :choir: Cedar [/QUOTE]
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