when "wants" override thinking ability

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sjexpress, Sep 23, 2011.

  1. sjexpress

    sjexpress Guest

    Had a rough morning getting off to school with difficult child. I guess the honeymoon of starting middle school is over. He has to be at the bus stop by 7am, almost 2 hrs earlier than last yr. in elementry school. Since he does not like to get to bed at nite, early mornings are rough. This morning he did not like the choices we had in the house for breakfast, which is practically every type of breakfast food, so he screamed and yelled about that. He wanted a certain sandwhich from a deli.( I told him to ask the bus driver to pull over at a deli for him - difficult child not amused). Then by the time he decided, he had to rush to eat so of course it was my fault because I did not cook it fast enough. While rushing to get dressed, difficult child wanted me to send money into school for this dumb fundraiser they are having where the school is selling these cards which offer discounts at participating stores/restaurants in our area. I said our family would buy one but then difficult child started carrying on about why we can't ask other relatives to buy one. I tried to explain the card is for local ( in our town) stores and that anyone not living in our town would not be interested in spending $10 on something they wouldn't use. Now at 11 yrs old and above average smarts, I know difficult child "gets it" but his desire to sell these cards to help his new school is ridiculous. Plus, the more cards you sell, the more silly prizes you get. You know those school fundraiser things! So, we had a huge argument about it ( well him screaming and me going about my business). Finally, with the bus coming down the street, difficult child grabbed his backpack and ran out the door to make the bus...thankfully! It just still amazes me that even though difficult child is so smart, when he wants something and I know he can or should totally understand why he may not be able to have his way, he still carries on with tantrums, calling us stupid idiots, telling us to shut up, getting louder with each demand, etc... Then, the switch in his head flips again, and everything is OK again. Well, I know there are no answers to this I , guess I am just venting! Have a nice weekend all!

  2. keista

    keista New Member

    Your story reminded me of son in elementary. Not exactly the same scenario, but the same determined rigid thinking. Each term they have an awards ceremony for honor roll and perfect attendance, etc. This one particular time, they were raffling of Disney tickets to the pool of kids with perfect attendance (do not get me started on how ridiculous I think that idea is). Son had made perfect attendance, really wanted the tickets, so by default was convinced that he would win them. Oh BOY! All Heck broke loose when he did not. Logically he understood the whole process and the slim probability that HE would get the tickets, but he was already so emotionally invested in them that it didn't make a difference.

    Yeah, those silly prizes are a PITA. No different than the toy in the cereal box or fast food meal. Incentivate the kid to harass mom and dad, and you'll sell your product. We don't participate in those things. Fortunately, our school has gotten more creative and we don't have to. (although, I really like this LOCAL coupon idea - sounds like a more 'personal' version of those expensive "Entertainment" coupon books) But way back when they were still bringing them home, I'd tell the kids if I would or wouldn't buy anything. Then they'd whine about not getting prizes, then I'd tell them THEY could go selling stuff - not MY job. That was the end of that.

    However, there's nothing wrong with providing your own incentives. Anything he's been eyeballing lately? Anything you WANT to get him but are waiting for some sort of occasion? Does he get an allowance? Set up a behavior chart, but make it SPECIFIC. Can't just be for good behavior because he has multiple issues. Maybe start with "Accepting No for an answer" make the goal attainable - 1 week. Might work, might help, might at least open up to more frequent discussions of the issue.

    ((((HUGS)))) Wish there was an easy answer.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    This a huge cause of melt downs for my difficult child. He will get it in his head that he wants xyz and have built up a scenerio in his head about how I will respond when the time comes. When my response does not match up with his expectation it is hell. Many times he has been thinking about it for months before I know anything about it. Allowance tied to behavior has worked with some success. He is currently most upset that I will not raise the amount to meet his ever increasing desire to fund his expensive clothing choices and probably his weed bill.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Plus, the "Friday factor".
    Its the end of the week. He's tired. Everything gets blown out of proportion real fast.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    We had regular issues with this type of "stuck" or rigid thinking with both difficult child 2 and husband before we got their medications right. I think it was the addition of a mood stabilizer (Depakote for difficult child 2 and Trileptal for husband) that finally helped them be more flexible with things like this. It's very frustrating to deal with someone who is hell-bent on a certain thing or activity, and no amount of persuasion or rationalization affects them.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hate fundraisers. The stupid prizes the kids can win if they sell X amount of cookie dough or candy bars or wrapping paper are so cheap that it is not worth the harassment that goes with the whole deal. Oh Junior might win a set of crazy bands if he sells 10 boxes of candy bars...please! I can go out and buy a set of crazy bands for $3. Sure there is always some nice prize for whoever sells the largest amount but that is never gonna be my kid...lol.

    We did one time sell enough candy bars for a boom box though. Just so happened they were selling them when Tony was working out of town so he would come home on the weekends and load up on boxes of candy bars and take them to the motel and sell them to the construction workers who didnt feel like walking anywhere to buy a snack at night. His candy bars were the same price as the ones in the candy machine so...LOL. I think we sold like 50 cases. Maybe more.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Fundraisers get my goat too... except for one: The older kids get to sell gift cards for local grocery stores, on a really win-win basis... the person who purchases the gift card gets dollar for dollar back... e.g. pay $100 for a gift card worth $100. The store then pays the school a commission (usually 5%, sometimes 10%) off of every card sold. So, my $100 gift card nets the school $5 or $10. The store feels like they win too, because then the $$ are committed to be spent at their store. And these are not restaurants and trendy clothing stores... we're talking groceries. I'm going to spend the $$ on groceries anyway (and yes my fave store is in on the program), so the school might as well get the commission!
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My difficult child is so like this. The rigid thinking drives us nuts!!! Once he is "stuck" he will not stop-yuck!