When was the last time that you?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by witzend, Sep 12, 2007.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    When was the last time that you went out to a movie or museum or farmer's market or anything that had no point other than to just be enjoyable?

    Every weekend I hope that we will do something. Take a walk with the dogs in the park. Go to a movie that I would like to see. ie: something other than Harry Potter and whatever the visiting Japanese kid wants to see. Drive up to the mountain or down to the coast.

    Every weekend I get up and husband either sleeps until noon and can't get moving, or he is on the computer playing World of Warcraft. He and I have been in therapy since January this time. We are talking about our need to get him to see beyond his nose, and for me to stop being angry that he won't do anything by getting him to know that he has to do something.

    Allan grew up as one of those kids whose house was literally so horrible that he never told anyone where he lived. The city condemned his house out from under his family and took it away. He took it upon himself to keep his room livable, and from time to time cleared out the house as best he could.

    therapist advised me to make a list of things that I have asked husband to do and give it to husband. Some things are the usual things you expect an able bodied man to do. Mow the lawn and edge. Other things are the things that he has been asked 40 or 50 times to do but won't. Example - two years ago we remodeled our bath. We put a glass brick wall in the shower, and it needs to be caulked at the top. I have been asking for two years. I actually got him to buy caulk again - the last tube dried up months ago - two weeks ago. It's sitting on the bathroom counter by his toothbrush. It would take 10 minutes. There are probably twenty 10 minute jobs like this on his list. He won't look at the list.

    He would never do this to his coworkers. He takes great pride in his ability to follow through on any job and finish it in a way that no one else would. But here we are, nine months into therapy, and he can't turn off that stupid computer. I talked to him last weekend because Sunday I got up and there he was with his WoW. I cleaned house for over 4 hours until I was so tired that I literally had trouble holding my head upright to blowdry it after my shower. I asked him to vacuum. With my disability he knows he needs to and has agreed to help with this stuff. It took him over an hour to get to that, and then he was right back to WoW. Of course, in that time, I saw five other things I needed help with but I needed to keep him on task to get to the vacuuming, so I did them all myself. I asked him a dozen times over the week to brush Bubba. He brushed Mandy because he likes her better.

    I see the weekend as an opportunity to get some cleaning done - we have two dogs for crying out loud! - and maybe a task or two, early in the day Saturday. Then I can say "Let's go out to a movie", or a drive, or whatever. husband sees it as time to play WoW. His excuse to not do anything is that he wants to leave cleaning until 10:00 PM Sunday night because then he'll be able to pick up more dirt. What a crock!


    He says that he plays WoW and waits until I ask him to do something specific because he wants to be sure that he's doing what I would ask. Jeez Louise! How difficult is it to figure out that I'm going to want to sweep and mop this weekend - again! Not to mention that not once in 24 years has he ever just bought me a cup of coffee, or said "Let's go out." Not once! He would sit in that computer room and never speak a word to me if it didn't have to do with eating or sex.

    I'm beginning to hate the weekends. It's the same thing every time. We live an hour from the mountains, the ocean, or the wine country, theres a big expo center and a convention center and neighborhood events and we never do anything. Except once in a great while I plan something. Then it's his big contribution to show up.

    Sorry for the rant. This was supposed to be short!
  2. mum2JK&TH

    mum2JK&TH New Member

    I wonder if your husband and my husband play together? Actually your house sounds a lot like our house except for I finally got husband to see the light...occassionally. Believe it or not though, it is an addiction. Our marriage has suffered for it and I have grown to hate the word WoW.

    I don't have any real suggestions as you seem to be writing about me and my husband and the ugg WoW life, do you think they have a support group for spouses?

    (((HUGS))) I know exactly where you are coming from.
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Mum, they may very well play together. I think the most insulting part of it all is that he actually makes dates to play with these people he knows on-line. And practices to get ready for his dates. He also goes to LAN parties from time to time. I always know when one is coming up because he'll mow the lawn or something without being asked.

    I'm just so tired of nagging and being second. Heck, I'm not even second. I'm fourth or fifth. I hate that he never thinks to spend any time with me, or that time helping to clean house is what I am looking for!
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is not that he plays WoW, right? It is that he plays it so often that he ends up neglecting you and your household. Correct? You do not want him to give it up, just prioritize his time better? How long would be acceptable? 2 hours a day on the weekend? Figure this out and find a compromise, maybe you already tried.

    Why don't you go do some of those things you want to do for fun on your own? Do you think husband will wonder what your doing, where you are, if you are having fun? Just go do those things. You only live once.
    I suspect a couple weekends of you being gone and coming back with some great pics on your camera and some stories to tell - he will start to want to be there for these things, too.

    Honestly, find me a home with a marriage older than 5 years where there is not a complaint of:
    not enough attention
    not enough romance
    not enough affection
    not emotional at all
    wants too much sex (which is only really annoying due to lack of the above 4 items).

    Am I right?

    I have never been married, but I have been paying very close attention to it for some years now.
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Maybe I am jaded before ever being married.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    BW, you are right in many ways. husband's WoW schedule is about 3-5 hours a day on weekdays after work and dinner, and 12 - 16 hours a day on weekends. Seven days a week.

    I used to think that I could live with setting a limit on it. I still could live with that. The problem is, he couldn't live with it. And it's been going on since our very first date. Which he cut short to go play D&D with his friends. I think either he needs to give up the gaming completely because he can't control it, or I need to give up the dream of him being anything more than a man who lives in my house.

    I do an awful lot of things on my own, really. Or with L, or with other friends. But I miss him. I miss feeling valued by him. He could do a jig that I'm not bugging him to do those things with me and sees it as 'great' that I'm finding something to do. To an extent, I get that, if it were the normal amount of wife finding something to do on my own. But wife only gets to do anything if she does it by herself and he's glad he doesn't have to participate? That's not what I want.

  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So, is it you that has changed? Did you not expect or desire the attention from him before? You said he was like that since the beginning. Then you said you miss him - he must have been giving attention at some point.

    It happens, when we get older we need/want different things.

    In 10 more years, it may not matter to you again.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    by the way - not that you doubt yourself - LOL - that is excessive amounts of time playing on the computer - neglecting his loved ones.
  9. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    First I understand the house. We bought a fixer upper (not recommending that to anyone unless they have it fixed before moving in). husband does not get to things around here very quickly sometimes. I mean I have new flooring in the pantry and he spilled pipe glue (ugh) on it. Now purple spots are there. Will he find the right solvent to clean it. Nope.

    I have recently gotten him to go do things more. I am sitting here trying to figure out how so I can let you know but truthfully I am not sure.

    In my husband's case he can be so simple one minute and so complex the next.

    It can be hard when they don't want to do anything.

    Take care

  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    husband & I spent 10 months or so in therapy; in individual then couple's counseling. We had a lot of "garbage", if you will, to clean out & then find out what's right about our marriage.

    It was & still is a lot of hard work. Having said that, it's been the most worthwhile thing husband & I have done.

    Now, while there are still disagreements on matters, there is more right in our marriage.

    I actually started out small with husband; asked the he spend an hour with me playing majong or going for a walk. Turns out he likes me & wants to spend time with me - go figure. husband still spends an incredible amount of time on his computer between work & play. However, I demand at least 30 minutes each evening & an hour each weekend. I generally get more. Many times our time together is spent making dinner (he can chop veggies like thunder) together, working in the yard or reading the Sunday paper together.

    Many times he will sit in the living room with his laptop, I'll have mine & kt will be playing a game or something. However, we're sitting together & working or playing something of our own choosing.

    Good luck with this - it took us a lot to find our common ground again.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> So, is it you that has changed? </div></div>

    Yes. I got a backbone and decided I needed to be better to myself by either not settling for being last anymore, or giving in totally and deciding that I wasn't going to invest time in it anymore.

    And no. It's just us now for the first time, and it's much more noticeable when I am not running wild taking care of kids that he hasn't gravitated towards me in return.

  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I am so sorry!

    I had issues like this towards the end of my marriage with DEX. (not the main reason we split, but is sure didn't help). The kicker? I bring it up to him...and I am "nagging".


    ((((((hugs)))))) this is one of those dammed if ya do, dammed if ya don't. I hope you find a solution that works.
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Witz, have you explained your last post to him?

    The difference now? Does he know this?
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Yes, we've talked a lot about this stuff. He genuinely loves me and I him. When I say that I would give up, I don't mean leaving, I guess I'm just tired of investing so much and he seems to never understand or remember anything we have talked about. It makes me sad to be the one who is always trying to find a way to do things together.

    He was totally clueless last weekend that I don't it that unless I ask him specifically to do something he can't figure out that anything needs to get done. This after 9 months of therapy and agreeing that I would write a list of things to do, and he would do things from the list. He says he just forgot.

    I got him to agree that if he is up before me on the weekends, that he would turn off the game when I got up and talk to me and we would plan the day together. I just hope it's not another agreement that's totally up to me to carry through on.
  15. Scent of Cedar I

    Scent of Cedar I New Member

    Witz, can you hire someone to come in on Friday and do the house so that you don't need to worry about housework on the weekend?

    That is absolutely what I would do if I were working.

    When we were hanging on by a string, husband started making me come to Happy Hour. No television, no computer, no books.

    It worked for us.

    We were looking for a way to separate that time and make it special. I got a Dean Martin CD ~ and that is what we play at Happy Hour. It's funny, but hearing those sweet old songs that you will never hear anywhere else keys both of us in to relaxing and talking and sharing the day.

    All the rest of the day and the evening, we can do whatever we want.

    (husband and I are so dissimilar it isn't even funny.)

    But I had better be there for Happy Hour.

    On the caulking and so on? Can you learn to do any of those things? I surprised myself with how much I could learn on the internet and then, do.

    It's a relief not to have to wait for husband.

    I swear, the frustration of asking him to do something and then, not seeing it done was driving me batty.

  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Happy hour sounds like a good idea! We have a therapist appointment next week, and I am going to kick it up a notch, I think. I'm going to ask for an agreement that each of us plan two evenings out a month. I really need him to plan something to feel like he wants to spend time with me.

    I end up doing most of the chores like the caulking, but it's really bad for me to do much reaching or repetitive stuff. Ladders aren't something I can do. I end up on pain killers because I hurt myself, and husband makes big noises about how I shouldn't do those things, but that doesn't get him to do those things. I actually have a long-time-ago background in construction, so I know how to do things, but physically I just can't anymore.

    We have a weekend out of town with the dogs next week. I'm going to see if we can't both plan something for one night's entertainment while we are gone. Of course, I'll have to explain that it has to have to do with something other than sex or food. :wink:

    The funny thing is, he's a really poor sport. You can't play cards or board games with him because he whines every moment he's not ahead. So I guess I will have to figure out something else. Let's see. There's food. And sex...
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So sorry you are going through this. I would offer advice, but I have been married twice, so I don't think I am the one that should be stepping in to help. :crazy2:

    As for WOW............OMG! My son is addicted to this game! Lord have mercy. It has been the subject of so many meltdowns and consequences in this house - I am ready to sue Blizzard. LOL.

    No, really - computer games are addictive. Your husband is going to have to be the one that starts to extract himself from this game, and meld into real life. Your life. You can help him, by offering spicy incentives, but he needs to also grow up a bit and get out of his escape world and into the real world.

    Good luck........I think counseling is a great idea.
  18. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    My thoughts seem to be a combination of what has already been said.


    #1. Your husband was like this when you met/married him. I think it's somewhat unreasonable for you to expect him to change since we all know the only person we have control over and can change is ourselves...and he is obviously perfectly happy with himself the way he is even it's annoying. lol

    #2. That said, this really hits home with me because when our marriage was breaking down my now exdh wouldn't do things I asked because he was passive-aggressive. Your husband is exhibiting classic behaviors of p/a, too.

    #3. I was also going to suggest that you do some of these projects yourself but you've answered that already...

    #4. And then I was going to suggest that you hire a "rent-a-husband" to do the chores that your husband won't. That way both of you are happy. And if husband doesn't like spending the money, then he can get off his duff and do them. :angel:

    Good luck, Witz.

  19. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    :rofl: I saw the subject heading and had a totally different thought about this topic. :rofl:

    It had been years since we went to a movie or even to the Lake together. We do do birthday's together. This year I had him go with me to two...movies.

    It's a start. But I secretly wish he would fix the bathroom, paint the faucett's, paint the kitchen, fix the garage.....
  20. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    And there is sex with food......


    No just kidding!!! (not really)

    You are doing the right things. Sometimes it takes time for the other to hit themselves on the forehead and think 'what the heck am I doing'.