When you focus on what isn't instead of what is...

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Keista, this perseveration has been the bane of our marriage. When I met him, I chalked it up to the energy and excitement that goes hand in hand with the early days of a romance. Wrong. And so much of his mood was influenced by how recent he'd been "bowling," and all the little bowling fetishes he had over things like his shoes, his shirt, his ball, his bag, his towel, whether the lane was level, were the pins set up just-so, was the scoreboard set up properly, was my bowling attire acceptable, was the beer cold, were the peanuts fresh, was the music just right -- and I was the one that was supposed to make everything "perfect" for him. And if it wasn't, then he got angry. Way too much pressure. And nearly was the end of us before he started medications.

He's doing much, much better than 6 years ago, and he's even better today than he was 6 months ago, but I can see that the little hamster wheel in his head still spins over this, though maybe the rpm's are no longer in the stratosphere.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Jean.....does he want you to talk out loud about bowling? He somewhat sounds like me when I was hypomanic in my younger and more pain free days. Tony was more in your shoes in the fact that he just couldnt keep up with my need for talking about bowling. I had some different interests and didnt particularly want to dress up but the wanting to talk and play acting was intense. Just being us wasnt good enough. In reality, it still isnt but I think that may be because of my sexual abuse...not sure. I think I have always been messed up in that way from early on. I dont know if your husband has that in his past or not. If he does, it will be even harder. I will say that solo bowling is something that I dont think you should feel badly about because it doesnt mean he loves you any less. I know it didnt for me. It just meant it filled a need that Tony couldnt fill no matter what he could attempt.

Just my take.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Janet, what he wants is complicated. Talking used to be part of it, but a small part. I have no idea if he was ever abused sexually. I know there was a LOT of verbal abuse and a degree of neglect. But I do think it's more related to hypomania. He's done some risky "bowling" things in completely inappropriate places and spent a small fortune on bowling accessories... all pointing to his illness in my humble opinion. And if you criticized him in the least or told him "no" to something he felt entitled to, it turned into a very ugly fight. Thank God those days are past. Like I said, he's doing better, and since going back on Lamictal he seems to have turned a big corner, but those old thought patterns are nigh impossible to completely erase. And I think his focusing on what he perceives as a "lack of bowling opportunity" on our trip, rather than the merits of the trip itself, is a perfect example of that perpetually spinning, though possibly slower, wheel in his head.
 

ThreeShadows

Quid me anxia?
I haven't been bowling in years, I kind of miss it. Soooo, bowling on the West Coast is more complicated and takes longer than on the East Coast?:hellosoldier:
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Jean, I used to like bowling in some risky places too. I think one of the strangest places was the top floor of a building Tony was working on in Myrtle Beach on a Saturday when almost everyone was gone. It was the thrill of would we get caught. Also bathrooms in a hospital when we were pretty much living in the waiting rooms because his father was touch and go after having a really bad accident. We stayed in that waiting room for well over three weeks without leaving it except to run to a laundry mat to wash some clothes. Bowling in hospital bathrooms is a tight fit..lol.

I truly think this is something that can be dealt with between the two of you if you want to handle it. I would be glad to take this into private message or even talk on the phone with you about some things that I think might be helpful. I am so not like this anymore and you certainly dont want him to become like I am now. You want a happy medium.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
If you believe this is in connection with his hypomania, perhaps a medication adjustment (can be slight) is in order?? Often a person has a certain behavior that is sort of a red flag to those around them that they're in need of a medication tweak. Maybe this is his?
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
HD, I do think there is more fine-tuning to be done with medications and he would do well to seek counseling as part of that process. But it took 10 years to get him into a psychiatrist, and another 13 to get to where we are today with his very recent cyclothymia diagnosis, which I don't think he even realizes because it was just a box checked off on the superbill! That he doesn't throw a fit and spiral into a rage when things don't go his way is huge. It's just hard to know how much of the bowling issues are learned behaviors in response to what was going on with his mental status, and how much is still residual from the disorder. Does that make sense?

Hopefully things will continue to improve over time.
 
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