When you just don't like them anymore

[TerryJ2]

I can't believe I missed this thread!
I agree completely. And sometimes, when difficult child is being particularly sweet and fun, I get sucked into liking him and them BAM! he's back to his nasty traits and I feel like I've been had.
He is so loud and boisterous and wild and physical that I have nothing in common with him. We are such a mismatch, and that's not even including the defiance.
I do love him. I worry when he's supposed to be at a friend's house and he goes somewhere else but doesn't tell me. I feel badly for him when he gets poison ivy.
But I am fed up with-having locks on the doors and drawers, as many of you have pointed out with-yours, because he is so impulsive and has no boundaries.
I want to be able to breathe.

I've got difficult child in several day camps and one sleep-away camp for 6 days. I'm looking forward to it!

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting her gone. I think we can love our difficult children, do our best to give them the skills they will need to survive on their own while they are still living with us, and still want them out of our day to day existence!!!

I am definitely detached from difficult child 1 and difficult child 2!!! I love them but I definitely do not like them as people!!! Both of them are totally self-centered, destroy things that don't belong to them, lie constantly, steal, and can become very violent. I could add more, but I'll stop here. It is enough to say that they manage to zap the life out of me on a daily basis!!!

difficult child 2 is going to day camp for five weeks this summer. We have taken lots of money out of savings that we really shouldn't have to send difficult child 1 away for six weeks this summer. I'm already counting down the days!!! I can't wait!!!

Life is so different when they're not here!!! I am relaxed, happy, and carefree - I get to be ME again even if it is only for a short while...

I think it is healthy to admit that you want a break from Kanga. I think those that can't admit to others, or maybe even to themselves, that they need a break, are in serious trouble. I think those that can't admit that they don't like their difficult children, or want them in their homes all the time, can develop serious mental health issues. I've seen this happen in my extended family.

My best advice is to totally enjoy the time Kanga is at camp. It will make you stronger and healthier and better able to parent her when she returns. WFEN

 

[Sunlight]

we are only human, not superhuman.
allow yourself to be.
been there done that still there doing that at times.

 

[JJJ]

So much of me just wants to put the last few locks on things in our house so she can't steal any more, insist only that she cause no harm to others and doesn't break the law, and then let her live her life. It would be so much easier to not have to fight the daily battles of teaching her to grow up. I love my husband but my recurrent fantasy is that he take an apartment near work and take Kanga away. I figure we don't have much of a marriage right now as all of our energy is spent on her (we have no sitters left who are willing to deal with her -- not even my mom :frown: )

The other huge plus of her going away is that my mom is going to babysit one night each week that she is gone so husband and I can go on dates :smile:

Kanga is a good enough athlete that she is in the group that is being scouted by prep schools. While I never thought I'd do it, if she is lucky enough to be offered a spot at one for any reasonable fee -- she is gone!

 

[JJJ]

'course once they find out she is a learning disabled, mentally ill child they probably won't want her either.

 

[tara w]

i know my brother (difficult child's father) feels the same way. he has nothing in common with t. anymore. they used to be able to laugh and joke around, but now it's constant fighting and defiance.

although it's not appropriate, my brother has told t. that he's on a path like his bio siblings (most of whom are in jail). t. always blames his father for saying that "he doesn't do enough, or he never makes good choices." that's not the case... t. picks and chooses what he wants to do and the other stuff just doesn't matter.


it's so very hard to like someone who defies and disrespects you when all you do is love them and try to give them good morals and values to live by.

 

[tara w]

by the way... what camp are you sending your difficult child to? do you have experience/ success with this particular place?

 

[Michellenurse0]

My friend sent her son several years ago to Outward bound and it worked wonders on her child. He is a successful father of 3 working for IBM right out of college at 24. She has many problems with her difficult child but he seems to have benefitted somehow from outward bound.
http://www.outwardbound.com/index.html

 

[tracy551]

AHHHHHH, the locks on the doors. Know it well. Well my difficult child is currently in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and doing very well. I can breathe for now. I certainly love him, he's my child, but I don't always like him. Well i like him more now that he's getting help and is away from the drugs--he's become a very pleasant young man. HOPING IT LAST AFTER HE COMES HOME!!!!!!

 

[Kathy813]

Mustang,

Once he's 18 are we just supposed to toss him out of the boat and see if he sinks or swims? More than likely he's going to sink and when that happens, it will be our fault once again.

No, it won't be your fault if he makes choices as an adult that make him sink. That's what detaching is all about. You have given him the tools to grow up and make the right choices. If he doesn't, then that's on him.

I agree with JBrain, though. You may be surprised. difficult children are survivors. We had to make our difficult child leave our home and after one false start, she is living in her own apartment, holding down a job, and paying her own bills. Her relationship with us has improved also.

I will never go back to living a life where I couldn't leave my purse sitting out in the open or leave a $20 bill sitting on the kitchen counter. It amazes me now that it almost seemed normal to have to be on guard all of the time in my own home.

JJJ ~ back to your original topic. I didn't like my difficult child for a long time. I worried that I didn't even love her anymore at the really worst point. I hate to admit this but at times I thought that I hated her. But I didn't ~ I was just so angry at what she was putting us through.

Now that she is an adult and living on her own, our relationship has improved and we are relating to each other as adults. I enjoy her company (well, most of the time) and know it will get even better with time.

I know that you have a long time ahead of you but the day will come.

~Kathy