Oh, this post is painful to read. I see difficult child 1 in virtually every single post. Fair warning - this is going to be a long, long post - but hopefully helpful to someone. I hope.
My difficult child 1 is 18 (soon to be 19), married, living with Lord only knows who this week/month/whatever, no job, lost custody of her daughter, and a known thief. Oh geez, the lies, the second chances, I could write a book.
She left home at 17, just two months after my granddaughter was born, because she didn't like living under my rules and expectations. (Yes, I am a horribly overbearing Mom - I expected her to finish school, get a job that at least covered diapers and formula while she attended college, and generally act like a decent human being.) She stole from me, her brothers, her friends, her sister. First it was little things like books, tshirts, etc. (Although she also stole her sister's underwear, which for me is just nasty. Who would want to wear someone else's panties?!? No matter how clean they are, it's still someone else's UNDERWEAR, and 2 sizes smaller than what she wore? GROSS!)
The day she left home (Christmas Day) she threw a fit because she didn't get much for Christmas, although she was told way ahead of time that her Christmas present money would go towards baby necessities and things she needed as a new Mom - something she was fine with...until all she got for Christmas personally was an inexpensive video camera. Funny how her "random" explosion ended in a 2 second trip to her room to grab two bags of pre-packed clothes and announce she was "out of here," just as her boyfriend's cousin pulled into the driveway. And naturally, she had nothing to do with the missing checkbook and $300 cash gone from my desk.
After a few months of not hearing from her, I got the "I miss you, Mom. I'm sorry" phone call. Looking back now, I must have had moron written in permanent marker across my forehead. I helped her and Rae's (the grandbaby's) Dad get a small place of their own, even bringing several truckloads of old furniture from storage to help furnish their new house. I put the electricity in my name, but withheld the power bill money from her deceased father's social security benefits, writing her a check for the difference each month. All they had to do was get jobs that paid enough to cover their $400 a month rent and buy diapers. They got state assistance for everything else, groceries, wic, etc. I even picked them up and brought them out here once a week to do laundry, never knowing she was helping herself to anything she could take without notice.
She was 17 at the time, and while DFCS could not help me force her to come home because they viewed her as an adult because of the baby, technically I was still legally responsible for her. So I kept bailing them out of the b.s. they got themselves into, hoping that giving them a chance would increase their odds of success - or at least make sure Rae had what she needed. I eventually signed for her to get married to 1)legitimize Rae and protect Rae's father's parental rights and 2) to aleviate any legal liability for me, since GA law would hold me responsible for her as a "minor" but would not help me bring her back home where I could at least have SOME kind of control over what she was doing.
Four months later, after twice "raiding" her house to take back things she had stolen, (I literally barged in, went to her bathroom and took down her sister's Japanese scarf that hung in her bathroom as a make-shift curtain, took my pots and pans out of her sink, even going so far as to physically turn her over on my knee to remove MY jeans off her rear end.) I got a call from the landlord. They were being evicted because they had not paid rent since they moved in. He had given them chance after chance to get jobs and get on their feet, even offering to let them clean other trailers to offset what they owed. Nope, she was more concerned with playing games on their Xbox and HOW DARE I suggest they sell their system and games to help pay for a new place or pay their back rent. No. I was supposed to pay the back rent. Yeah, right. Not happening kid.
I cut the power off the day they were supposed to be evicted. Two weeks later I get dressed down by a DFCS case worker for turning my back on my child and cutting their power. Didn't I care about my grandchild? Didn't I want to give my daughter a fighting chance to succeed? Please, lady. You don't have a clue! Talk to me when your children's ages end in anything teen, much less have difficult child issues. After all, I didn't even know they were still squatting in that house! They were supposed to get evicted and difficult child 1 had stopped speaking to me because I wouldn't pay their $1,600 worth of back rent or GET THIS - buy her a house so they didn't have to worry about it. DO WHAT??!!??
She came out to the house a couple of times while she and her hubby and the baby lived with his family after the eviction. By then, DFCS had been involved with them for months. difficult child still refused to speak to me because it was all my fault. If I would have just given her everything she wanted, none of this would have happened. Every time she came out, things turned up missing. Earrings, petty cash, things that belonged to my boys. She always denied it. I knew there were drugs and partying involved in the stuff she was doing, but no one would listen. It got so bad she was not allowed in my car, much less at the house. I would lock my purse in my glovebox whenever I went to see the baby.
In short, I called Social Security and told them she was now married, which stopped her father's death benefits and cut what little money they got each month. They weren't using it for shelter or diapers or anything else anyway. I always had to bring the baby diapers, and at one point, even formula because they were selling their state benefits. (Which she was only getting because she lied and said SS had stopped long before I called them.)
I called DFCS and told them everything I knew - the drugs, the meth lab that used to be in her father in law's shed (right behind the house where she was living with the baby) the games, the stealing, everything. It was like turning my child in to the Gestapo. But nothing worked. No one would listen to me or believe me about the stealing and the drugs. They wouldn't even TEST her.
Eventually, she stole from everyone - including her in-laws. They kicked her, their son, and the baby out over her b.s. Her hubby went to live with friends while she and the baby went to live with someone else. Since then (almost a year) she has stolen from everyone who has tried to help her - to the point her hubby has now filed for divorce because he can't stand to be associated with her anymore. No one trusts him because of her. Finally, after the second time she left Rae with my sister in law "for the weekend" that turned into several months, DFCS stepped in and gave custody to my sister in law. Since then, difficult child 1 has only gone further down hill. In fact, she was just recently arrested for shoplifting. She stopped by here to get the ID she had sent here (because she has no permanent home.) I wouldn't let her in the house and instead handed her the envelope on the front porch. She asked if her aunt had told me about the arrest. I told her heck, her picture was in the arrest report book - everyone in a four county area knew about her arrest. She acted like it was nothing more than a traffic ticket!
She's now all over Facebook talking about how everyone hates her, wah, wah, wah. Her family doesn't love her and won't speak to her. "My Mom never loved me. She kicked me out when I was only 17 and had a baby to take care of." (Oh really? I kicked her out? Okay. Sure.) "My life sucks. No one will help me." She doesn't understand why people keep saying nasty things about her and accusing her of stealing "just so they can kick me out" or "because they're jealous of me" or "they think I slept with so and so for money." Now we've learned she's pregnant AGAIN, kicked out for stealing AGAIN, and facing adult criminal charges for the shoplifting.
She's quite a piece of work, let me tell ya. I hear my experiences with her in each and every one of your posts. It breaks my heart. I know your children, just like mine, were once sweet, loving, beautiful children. You hope so hard that deep down in there somewhere, that child you once knew is still there. That hope keeps you trying for their sake, again and again.
From my experience? The best option for me, my sanity, and the well-being of my other children still at home, was to cut all ties. I don't answer phone calls, Facebook messages, letters, or text messages. Every few weeks or months (usually around holidays, birthdays, or like when my father had his heart surgery) I'll get some kind of "I'm sorry Mom, I love you. I miss you. I'm trying to straighten my life out" message. I tears at my heart strings every time because I so want to see the day that she truly means it. But that day hasn't come yet, so I don't answer. She knows my conditions if she wants to be a part of this family again. Don't talk to be about what you're doing, what you're going to do, and all that other b.s. Come to me when you've already DONE IT. When you've gotten your life straightened out. When you're standing on your own two feet, with a job, a plan for the future, and making an honest effort to reconnect in a meaningful way with your family - especially your own daughter. Until then, it's just more b.s.
Funny how someone with no job, no home, and nothing on her Facebook statuses but her plans for partying with this person or that somehow manages to have new clothes, dye her hair every other week, get body piercings, and have a car to drive (although she still only has a learner's permit.) If she's that resourceful, she should have NO trouble making it on her own without needing the ability to access my home, my purse, or my bank accounts. So I don't worry about where she's living or how she's getting by. She's her own problem, not mine. I'm better off NOT knowing how she's choosing to ruin her life this week. It saves on the heartache and worry. It saves on the getting sucked in only to get screwed once again. Heck, the only reason any of us (family-wise) still has a connection to her on Facebook is to gather the evidence we need to keep Rae safe and sound with my sister in law.
It's a horrible experience as a parent. I have felt like I failed her so many times, which she has always used against me. I have felt like a monster for turning my back on my own child. But eventually you get to the point where its you or them. In my case, it was me, my boys, and my granddaughter, or her. I picked us and I refuse to look back. All I can do is hope that someday, something will happen to wake her up for real. Someday, she'll run out of people who fall for her b.s., only to have their valuables and personal possessions stolen or their lives ruined. Someday, she's going to run out of options. Hopefully, when she hits rock bottom, she'll make positive changes. If she doesn't, at least she won't have the opportunity to take the rest of us down with her.
*HUGS* and hang in there hon.
