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When your adult child steals from you...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 619445" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Good Morning, Dad in MN (and Mom, too)</p><p></p><p>You are doing fine. </p><p></p><p>None of this is easy. But it hasn't been easy, it hasn't been what you wanted, hoped for, or deserved, for a long time. You are changing the rules of the game, and the kids don't like it. As is common to every abusive relationship when the victim demands change, the abusive behaviors are escalating.</p><p></p><p>Hold strong.</p><p></p><p>It will be easier if you remember the good things you do know:</p><p></p><p>You know your sons survived the night and arrived safely. </p><p>You know there will be shelters, soup kitchens, free clothing. </p><p>You know they are angry, so you have heard from them.</p><p></p><p>To enhance understanding of the dynamic behind the verbally abusive relationship (which is what your sons are doing, now that you have decided to stop being nice about your own victimization), it might be helpful for you to visit this site:</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.patriciaevans.com" target="_blank">www.patriciaevans.com</a></p><p></p><p>As we begin the detachment process, we shift responsibility for what is happening onto the people who are causing it: the kids. We begin to get it, that nothing we try works with these kids. We aren't sure just how this happened, but we know nothing we do helps for long. Every crisis is worse. We begin promising ourselves that this will be the last time. But however many times we promised ourselves we are not going to step in, there comes a point where the consequences are so dire that we can't justify turning away.</p><p></p><p>Boom.</p><p></p><p>Right back to square one.</p><p></p><p>What we've taught our kids <u>and ourselves</u> is that, if the situation is bad enough, the parents will leap in, take control, and fix everything. The darker side of all this parental wonderfulness (mine, too) is that the kids have learned to turn to us for help in avoiding the natural consequences of their choices. What they should have been learning is that they are strong enough, competent enough, smart enough, to cope with those same consequences.</p><p></p><p>Their is no safety, no self respect, without a sense of competence, without a sense of efficacy.</p><p></p><p>And that is the true cost to the kids of rescuing the kids.</p><p></p><p>As the years pass, consequences escalate.</p><p></p><p>As we continue along the detachment path, we understand that it is less what the kids need than it is those feelings of guilt, of worry, of responsibility and hope and love that keep us hooked in, that keep us doing the same things over and over again. </p><p></p><p>It all begins to seem unreal. How could this be happening to us? To <u>our</u> kids?</p><p></p><p>It would be so easy for us to fix it.</p><p></p><p>The next thing we know, the kids are in their forties. They don't respect us or themselves, and they are so dependent that we literally can't turn away. </p><p></p><p>Something has to change, or we will be parenting our sixty year old kids when we are eighty. It happens, every day. And those sixty year old kids are angry, abusive, irresponsible sixty year olds who have never had to grow up.</p><p></p><p>What we call detachment is a way to survive the emotional onslaught of turning our adult children out to become adults. It is hard for us, and harder than it should be for them.</p><p></p><p>But it has to happen.</p><p></p><p>They have to grow up. Or, they have to know that, whatever they choose to do, <u>we now view them as fully capable adults responsible for their own life paths.</u> </p><p></p><p>We are never again going to take away those chances of maturity.</p><p></p><p>It's a hard thing, to do this.</p><p></p><p>Most parents are not required to do this.</p><p></p><p>We are.</p><p></p><p>Here on the site, we try to support one another through the guilt, through the nights when we don't know where they are, through the times we have had to send them on their ways with nothing when it would be so much easier to fix everything for them one more time. Especially when there is a mental illness involved, this is such a hard thing. Midwest Mom, one of the parents here on the site, will have very good information for you regarding this exact question. It is her contention that mental illness is not an excuse. A mental illness is an additional challenge that the person must take responsibility for.</p><p></p><p>It is a very hard thing to learn to parent in the way these kids seem to need to be parented. The things that would make all the difference for most kids only make our difficult child kids situations worse.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family. This site is a safe place, an anonymous place, and I am glad you found us. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 619445, member: 17461"] Good Morning, Dad in MN (and Mom, too) You are doing fine. None of this is easy. But it hasn't been easy, it hasn't been what you wanted, hoped for, or deserved, for a long time. You are changing the rules of the game, and the kids don't like it. As is common to every abusive relationship when the victim demands change, the abusive behaviors are escalating. Hold strong. It will be easier if you remember the good things you do know: You know your sons survived the night and arrived safely. You know there will be shelters, soup kitchens, free clothing. You know they are angry, so you have heard from them. To enhance understanding of the dynamic behind the verbally abusive relationship (which is what your sons are doing, now that you have decided to stop being nice about your own victimization), it might be helpful for you to visit this site: [url="http://www.patriciaevans.com"]www.patriciaevans.com[/url] As we begin the detachment process, we shift responsibility for what is happening onto the people who are causing it: the kids. We begin to get it, that nothing we try works with these kids. We aren't sure just how this happened, but we know nothing we do helps for long. Every crisis is worse. We begin promising ourselves that this will be the last time. But however many times we promised ourselves we are not going to step in, there comes a point where the consequences are so dire that we can't justify turning away. Boom. Right back to square one. What we've taught our kids [U]and ourselves[/U] is that, if the situation is bad enough, the parents will leap in, take control, and fix everything. The darker side of all this parental wonderfulness (mine, too) is that the kids have learned to turn to us for help in avoiding the natural consequences of their choices. What they should have been learning is that they are strong enough, competent enough, smart enough, to cope with those same consequences. Their is no safety, no self respect, without a sense of competence, without a sense of efficacy. And that is the true cost to the kids of rescuing the kids. As the years pass, consequences escalate. As we continue along the detachment path, we understand that it is less what the kids need than it is those feelings of guilt, of worry, of responsibility and hope and love that keep us hooked in, that keep us doing the same things over and over again. It all begins to seem unreal. How could this be happening to us? To [U]our[/U] kids? It would be so easy for us to fix it. The next thing we know, the kids are in their forties. They don't respect us or themselves, and they are so dependent that we literally can't turn away. Something has to change, or we will be parenting our sixty year old kids when we are eighty. It happens, every day. And those sixty year old kids are angry, abusive, irresponsible sixty year olds who have never had to grow up. What we call detachment is a way to survive the emotional onslaught of turning our adult children out to become adults. It is hard for us, and harder than it should be for them. But it has to happen. They have to grow up. Or, they have to know that, whatever they choose to do, [U]we now view them as fully capable adults responsible for their own life paths.[/U] We are never again going to take away those chances of maturity. It's a hard thing, to do this. Most parents are not required to do this. We are. Here on the site, we try to support one another through the guilt, through the nights when we don't know where they are, through the times we have had to send them on their ways with nothing when it would be so much easier to fix everything for them one more time. Especially when there is a mental illness involved, this is such a hard thing. Midwest Mom, one of the parents here on the site, will have very good information for you regarding this exact question. It is her contention that mental illness is not an excuse. A mental illness is an additional challenge that the person must take responsibility for. It is a very hard thing to learn to parent in the way these kids seem to need to be parented. The things that would make all the difference for most kids only make our difficult child kids situations worse. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family. This site is a safe place, an anonymous place, and I am glad you found us. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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