When your adult child steals from you...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Wanda, Oct 9, 2016.

  1. Wanda

    Wanda New Member

    My daughter at 12 stole all but 2 of the dozens of diamond jewelry my deceased mother left to me. 3 months ago age 27 now she stole one of the 2 I had left and pawned it.'she admitted to her thief in a message to my son. 15 years from the start she has stolen everything from me. She watched me use telephone banking then hit redial to find my password and for months stole hundreds a week until I discovered. She inserted an empty envelope into her bank account for 200 but it was fraud. She has stolen my cloths my jewelry my money my private things. 15 years of it coming and going not working sponging off everyone. She has my 2 grandkids and she has stolen them from seeing me and stealing from them their grandma. I've been in bed since she left July 8 paralyzed that after all I've given and forgiving she finally stole again taking my poor little grandchildren away leaving me in this hell I suffer from her thieving and lies
    Please how do I go on
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Wanda, I am so sorry for what you are going through. There is no pain like that of a child that betrays a parent. I'm glad you found us here.
    There is a good article about detachment at the top of the PE forum. Here is the link, please take some to read it.


    I am so sorry your daughter is keeping your grandchildren from you.
    You are important and you need to take care of yourself.
    How you go on is one minute at a time. Many of us here have been where you are and we have managed to take our lives back.
    Do not allow your daughter to use your grandchildren against you. Do not allow her to hold your emotions hostage.
    I'm glad you are here with us now. Others will come along and offer their support.
    Hang in there Wanda and keep posting, let us know how things are going.
    ((HUGS)) to you...............................
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Is she using drugs? What did she need that much money for at age 12, 15, etc..? Is she a fit parent? Do the kids go to school, daycare, etc...? Does she have a home for them? If she is using, or is very obviously unfit, or keeps the kids from school, etc...., Social Services may intervene. This is rare though, so don't make the call lightly. If she keeps custody she will likely not let you see them for a long time (not much different than now). Social Services isn't really reliable though, and what they will do varies widely from state to state.

    Have you looked into your rights as a grandparent? These rights vary WIDELY from state to state. I live in Oklahoma and here my parents could sue for grandparents rights for my niece but not for my kids. They only can sue if the parents are divorced or never married and they have had a consistent relationship with the grandchild. My parents see my children often, but since I am still married to their father, they could not sue us for visitation even if they wanted to.

    I know that one member lives in a state where grandparents have no rights to sue for visitation no matter what. It really is dependent on the state, so you need to look up rights for your state. Here are two websites with summaries of grandparents rights by state:



    These are just meant as a start, so you know your basic rights in your state.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Change all your banking accounts. Never let her see anything lock credit cards in a locked firebox. If she lives with you make her leave and change the keys. This is an assault against you from an adult, daughter or not, and if you don't protect yourself, nobody will.

    Most states don't have grandparent rights. You can't change that. On the other hand, if your daughter mistreat or neglects her children, you can tell her that you WILL be allowed to see them regularly for their sake or you will call CPS or the police for her thefts. It's blackmail, but so is what she is doing...and the grandkids are probably way better off with you in their lives.

    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Your daughter can do better and needs to
  5. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    hi wanda, glad u found us. so my son has stolen from me many times. I learned to keep any valuables in a safety deposit box (learned the hard way) . I keep my money on or near me, as does my husband. My son lies and manipulates and i am trying to detach till i can get away from him . (we are moving in june) Unfortunately he has fathered a child who lives in another state. I send christmas gift and clothes for school and birthday gifts. I never send money because the childs mother also has drug problems and i would never know if the money would go to the childs needs or drugs. I know that feeling of despair, my granddaughters mother threatened the same thing with me if i didn't send money...I told her I'm sorry u feel that way but this is my decision, take what i send or leave it. She took it. I worry that my granddaughter is ok but i also know i have no control over the situation i can only control my actions and hard as i may want things to be different , it is what it is. we have no power over our adult children , they make choices that we don't disagree with but those are their choices not ours. Have faith that your grandchildren have a higher power to watch over them. Hugs going your way
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  6. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    Welcome, Wanda. Sorry to hear how your daughter has treated you. It is a real betrayal and a loss of trust.

    You need to take care of yourself and your assets. Change your banking account and then make sure to change your online /telephone passwords frequently. Don't leave any credit card letters/bills where they can be found.

    I can't answer any of the grandparent rights questions, as I don't know those laws in the US. I'm sorry that your daughter is using your grandchildren against you. It must hurt you very much. The others who posted are right - we can't control our adult children; even the ones who parent the grandchildren you are missing. I take one day at a time. It is really the only way most of us cope. Try to do something positive for yourself. And keep posting - there are are so many wonderful people who understand and can offer help and suggestions.

  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Wanda, and welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry for your pain.

    It is really hard to deal with this type of grief, pain and betrayal. I don't have grandchildren yet, but I can only imagine your pain and fear are intensified by not being able to see them and know they are okay.

    I think you do have to go to bed, and lay there and cry. I think that is healing. Don't fight it. Let yourself grieve as much as you need to grieve. That is completely normal. And then, when you can, get up and start living your own life.

    We just can't control other people and we can't make them do right. In the end, we have to let our adult children go and focus on ourselves.

    This is all we can do.

    We have no power over anyone except ourselves. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when our grown kids don't "turn out" like we hoped and prayed and dreamed they would.

    Right now your daughter is who she is. You can't really have a good relationship with someone who uses you, steals from you and lies to you. It just isn't possible, and that is on her, not you. Work on accepting that. You can and will still love her and want the best for her. But space and time and distance is truly what you need right now.

    Start focusing on yourself and your own life. Let yourself feel your feelings as they wash over you and through you. Your feelings are real. But you don't have to react to them or to her. Work to feel but not act on those feelings. This is a very valuable thing to work on and to learn in all of our lives.

    We're here for you. Please keep sharing and posting. We understand, and we care.
  8. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My son started the drugs and stealing from me at a very early age too. Then, when I tried everything I could he became very angry and helped his friends rob me. I came home from work and my home had been cleaned out, car stolen. It's hell on earth.

    I was like you, paralyzed, unable to function. Please seek help. You can not force her to do anything to help herself, I have tried, so look after you.

    My son is almost 40yo and I wish I could post something along the lines of he has turned his life around, he has gotten better, I no longer give him money so he knows he has to work. He can no longer steal from me, I will never trust him. The last time (about 5 years ago) he tried to access my bank information and he hacked my computer. I keep nothing online.

    Sad, isn't it? My saving grace is no grandchildren to worry about, I know he would use them as a pawn.

    Learn to detach and take care of yourself. Blessings!