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When your family forgets difficult child's birthday...
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 79278" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Tina, </p><p></p><p>I am soooo glad to hear you are going to get some counseling. OMG the issues that I had that I didn't even KNOW I had were astounding. Things that I had supressed for years and when I was asked about them from a trained therapist - I answered "Nooooo that doesn't bother me." and through therapy? Yeahhh it bothered me and I didn't even know it. </p><p></p><p>The fact that you are taking on so much for your dad, the issues you have that are unresolved with him. (forgive yes, forgot no) and this creates problems that you aren't even aware of. Your sister may have been a darling then but maybe she was also being abused. The fact that your Mom is still here - you may have unresolved issues with her like my son did. I worked and almost died to save my son and yet I was the one he targeted because he felt I should have kept him safe. (I did I did) but in his mind I was the strongest of the two parents and couldn't manage to keep him safe. He really had issues with that and we'd never gotten to the core of it had we not gone to therapy. </p><p></p><p>Also in therapy I learned to take care of myself first and the rest would if it could trickle down to my family. Your children look to YOU to see how you handle situations. If you have unresolved junk in your storage center of the brain like I did, how can you possibly present a calm front? My issues were like a rent all storage place. When I got full to the brim, I'd shut the door to that problem and open a new space, and repeat this process with problems over and over and over until I went to "rent" another space and there was none left. (That was probably my mini stroke) - I had no where else to store crap and put on my smiley face. The stroke was like someone opened every one of my storage units at once and ALL the crap I'd stored up for years blew out at about 100 mph. It wasn't a pretty site. It wasn't healthy, and it wasn't good for anyone around me. </p><p></p><p>Today I've changed my brain and will continue to change how I handle things. I have a better set of coping skills thanks to therapy, I still have humor and I'm in a better place mentally. I'm no longer a problem hoarder I guess you could say. </p><p></p><p>My family forgets my son? Fine....what would I rather have? Me calling on the phone to 'remind' them and KNOW they sent a card out of pity for my feelings, or just tell myself and my son "Nope no cards from Aunt so and so - and leave it at that with no explanation." Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. If you give an explanation for the family members lack of communication you are enabling. Enabling is a bad behavior and liars have to have tremendous memories. Eventually you'll forget about his 9th birthday and blurt out "Sorry people" and then your son will have to know what you meant...didn't they send a card when I was 9? See? It's not worth the stress for you. </p><p></p><p>I feel for you, but on the other hand there are choices to be made here, and I believe you can do that, but maybe not without a little therapy and support under your belt. Nothing to be ashamed of, it's just like kindergarten where you get to learn all over again how to interact with people. Except this time? You get to know all the problems and just learn the solutions to those problems. You don't have to learn the solution and the problem at once like you do when you're a kid. AND the big plus is that once you learn how, you can pass this wisdom on to your kids. Its really a win win situation. IT also takes time, but if you start today you're farther ahead than you were a day ago. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Applause</p><p>Glad to hear you're finally taking care of YOU. YOU DESERVE IT, YOU'RE WORTHY OF IT, YOU CAN DOOOOO eeeeeettttt. </p><p></p><p>Star</p><p>ps. I did put several pictures of my mother in law around the house when she would come to visit. She would jokingly chortle and say "I bet you put those in a drawer after I leave." I thought for years she was looking through the windows after she left - actually I put them in a bag in the closet.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 79278, member: 4964"] Tina, I am soooo glad to hear you are going to get some counseling. OMG the issues that I had that I didn't even KNOW I had were astounding. Things that I had supressed for years and when I was asked about them from a trained therapist - I answered "Nooooo that doesn't bother me." and through therapy? Yeahhh it bothered me and I didn't even know it. The fact that you are taking on so much for your dad, the issues you have that are unresolved with him. (forgive yes, forgot no) and this creates problems that you aren't even aware of. Your sister may have been a darling then but maybe she was also being abused. The fact that your Mom is still here - you may have unresolved issues with her like my son did. I worked and almost died to save my son and yet I was the one he targeted because he felt I should have kept him safe. (I did I did) but in his mind I was the strongest of the two parents and couldn't manage to keep him safe. He really had issues with that and we'd never gotten to the core of it had we not gone to therapy. Also in therapy I learned to take care of myself first and the rest would if it could trickle down to my family. Your children look to YOU to see how you handle situations. If you have unresolved junk in your storage center of the brain like I did, how can you possibly present a calm front? My issues were like a rent all storage place. When I got full to the brim, I'd shut the door to that problem and open a new space, and repeat this process with problems over and over and over until I went to "rent" another space and there was none left. (That was probably my mini stroke) - I had no where else to store crap and put on my smiley face. The stroke was like someone opened every one of my storage units at once and ALL the crap I'd stored up for years blew out at about 100 mph. It wasn't a pretty site. It wasn't healthy, and it wasn't good for anyone around me. Today I've changed my brain and will continue to change how I handle things. I have a better set of coping skills thanks to therapy, I still have humor and I'm in a better place mentally. I'm no longer a problem hoarder I guess you could say. My family forgets my son? Fine....what would I rather have? Me calling on the phone to 'remind' them and KNOW they sent a card out of pity for my feelings, or just tell myself and my son "Nope no cards from Aunt so and so - and leave it at that with no explanation." Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. If you give an explanation for the family members lack of communication you are enabling. Enabling is a bad behavior and liars have to have tremendous memories. Eventually you'll forget about his 9th birthday and blurt out "Sorry people" and then your son will have to know what you meant...didn't they send a card when I was 9? See? It's not worth the stress for you. I feel for you, but on the other hand there are choices to be made here, and I believe you can do that, but maybe not without a little therapy and support under your belt. Nothing to be ashamed of, it's just like kindergarten where you get to learn all over again how to interact with people. Except this time? You get to know all the problems and just learn the solutions to those problems. You don't have to learn the solution and the problem at once like you do when you're a kid. AND the big plus is that once you learn how, you can pass this wisdom on to your kids. Its really a win win situation. IT also takes time, but if you start today you're farther ahead than you were a day ago. Hugs & Applause Glad to hear you're finally taking care of YOU. YOU DESERVE IT, YOU'RE WORTHY OF IT, YOU CAN DOOOOO eeeeeettttt. Star ps. I did put several pictures of my mother in law around the house when she would come to visit. She would jokingly chortle and say "I bet you put those in a drawer after I leave." I thought for years she was looking through the windows after she left - actually I put them in a bag in the closet. [/QUOTE]
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