Where are the mods?

[witzend]

I was just sitting here, and I realized that we never hear anything from the moderators about their kids anymore. We hear about Lisa and Nichole some, but I really haven't heard from the rest of you about your kids in a very long time.

How is everyone? Deb, I know your kids are grown and gone. Is everything still well with them? Suz, I haven't heard you mention Rob in like a year. Loth, what about Missy and MM? I practically forgot you even had kids at home.

Busy, will your daughter be graduating this year? Looking for colleges? Sharon, what about your son? How are the stimulants working out? Is he still doing better in school?

I'm beginning to think that maybe the trick to recovery for our families is to become a moderator. Is there some secret you aren't telling us? You all know all of ours.
Updates please!

 

[SRL]

LOL, guilty as charged.

We were in a seriously dark place when I found the site 6 years ago. Once past those 2 really rough years, difficult child has made such remarkable progress that we're now looking at an ornier than average teen instead (no medications, last year for IEP) instead of difficult child status. Don't get me wrong--every day is not a cakewalk and I never take stability for granted--but it's nothing compared to the early days.

No secrets here--our two experiences with medications were so disastrous we poured our energies into traditional non-medication routes and difficult child responded, albeit in two steps forward, one step back fashion.

I no longer post specifics in public because 1) difficult child would be horrified to read about it here and 2) given the progress it didn't seem prudent to leave difficult child footprints online.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Oh, we're hanging!

Do you read the morning posts? Most of my updates on difficult child on on that. I don't start a whole lot of posts anymore. Like SRL, my first appearance here was in a very, very, dark time for difficult child. I needed the support, advice, suggestions and shoulders of this board on a daily (sometimes hourly!) basis.

As the years have gone by, difficult child has matured, attends monthly therapy, has the support of a wonderful school and downtown administration, a fabulous 1:1, has been on and off several medications (mostly because he needed them at the time and now doesn't), and I have learned a lot about parenting a difficult child. All those things combined have made a huge difference for my difficult child. Oh, don't get me wrong, he's still a difficult child and always will be, but he is learning to survive without the severe daily struggles.

On the morning post yesterday, I mentioned that his psychiatrist changed his adderall to vyvanse. We'll see.....it was tough for him to settle last night (this medication lasts several hours longer than adderal). This was done because we increased the adderall for focus reasons and saw some increased frustration and aggitation rearing their ugly heads.

Thanks for asking. Being a mod has definately changed my board habits. On those days when I am really busy, it's tough to post - I try to post on the gm thread every day though. I am on the board about four times a day to read and "check up" on things! Sometimes I feel like a lurker!!!!

Thanks for asking,
Sharon

 

[tiredmommy]

I occasionally give updates, Witz, but probably not as often I should. She's been doing a lot better of late with gfgness, but she's developed asthma in addition to allergies. Her demeanor improved even more after beginning treatment for the asthma. It pretty much proves my suspicion that underlying health problems (with atypical presentations) have led her to be a difficult child. That's why behavior modification has been useful to us and not to others. When she's feeling better she can behave better.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Well I for one am glad you posted this, Witz. Good to hear from the mods.

 

[slsh]

Gosh, Witz... wish all it took was being a mod. Things here are actually pretty bleak so I'm trying to keep mum about it. Not much husband or I, or any professional, can do about it without an iota of compliance from him.

I went to a mtg last weekend for parents whose kids have the same funding thank you does - the topic was transition and the difficulties some of the families are having in terms of placements, supervision, education, services, etc., with our older teens. To my mother's eye, there's a huge gap in services for teens, to which the director of the mental health side of the funding program agreed. But the bottom line is that at age 18, guardianship or no, our severely mentally ill kids have the right to self-determine (an oxymoron in my opinion). Dir said the key is communication and cooperation between parents, child, and agencies involved. If all 3 aren't in place, it's a bumpy ride. thank you is of course about as cooperative as the weather. I'm anticipating he'll be on the street by spring.

On a positive note though, he has developed social skills (kinda). For a kid who was ostracized by his peers by the end of 1st grade because of his behaviors, and spent the last 8.5 years living only with other difficult children, I'm really happily suprised that he has been able to form friendships outside of his current placement. When you look at the big picture - that's really amazing progress for him.

I've been quiet lately because I'm struggling here with the whole process. A lot of self-doubt, could we have done something different/better? Have the last 13 years been a waste of effort? Is it hopeless for some of our kids given the severity of their illness? I'm trying really hard to truly believe that if nothing else, we did our best to give thank you a fighting chance, but I'm not there yet. I'm also beyond weary from banging my head against the brick wall that is my son. I've come to a pretty abrupt halt in terms of agressively advocating for him because he sabotages every darn thing I do and for all intents and purposes, time has run out.

I guess I always thought he'd graduate (he won't) and be self-supporting (he may be someday, but .....). In a lot of ways, I've come full circle. When I joined the board almost 10 years ago, thank you consumed my every waking thought. I'm back there again - familiar territory I guess.

 

[busywend]

Thanks for asking Witz! There is no secret that I know of....but my difficult child is doing great, too! LOL!

She is up an entire 15 points on her grade point average. We are talking colleges - mostly community 2 year schools (with the hope that she goes on to the 2nd 2 years on campus somewhere).

She joined an extracurricular activity! Shock and awe! She is on the yearbook committee and has become the resident photographer (mostly because she has a nice camera - me working at a camera company and all.)

Her father and her have been drifting apart, mostly because her stepmom refuses to parent her in the way that works best. Dad had it figured out, but since it is not traditional he was easily swayed to stepmom's thoughts on the subject. Heck, I have been swayed many times myself. Right now they are in a bad place and difficult child does not wish to go there any longer. Mostly because stepmom told difficult child (in a text message no less) that she could not wait until June when she could say good riddance to my difficult child. Nice, huh??

difficult child has a boyfriend that is respectful and nice. Wish he were more productive in society, but even difficult child is working on that with him!

So, that is the update and truthfully, I could not ask for much more. Maybe having a job, being a bit more motivated to get her license, etc. - just the usual teenager issues. And I am lovin' it!


I guess my secret is the way I parent difficult child. It is more like non-parenting. I call her resistant to parenting. So, non-parenting actually works better for her. Weird, I know. And it took a ton of patience!

 

[Fran]

"I'm beginning to think that maybe the trick to recovery for our families is to become a moderator. Is there some secret you aren't telling us? You all know all of ours."

I wish!
I'll update a little later today when I get back from my appointment.

 

[TerryJ2]

Great idea, Witz.

My heart has been leaping and sinking as I read through your notes.
You are all wonderful people. Do not doubt yourselves. Give yourselves credit. These kids would be difficult for Mother Teresa to parent.

 

[gcvmom]

It IS helpful to hear from those of you with a few more difficult child parenting miles behind you than the rest of us! Even if the news isn't glowing, it's still helpful for everyone's perspective.

 

[Star*]

"I'm beginning to think that maybe the trick to recovery for our families is to become a moderator..

SIGN ME UP ....lol

Glad to hear about your kids too -

 

[witzend]

Thanks to all of you have answered. I do understand feeling differently about posting your 9,000th post about difficult child and your 9th post about difficult child. I often have difficulty bringing up L and M's current shenanigans, because I feel I have so little contact and control. Their problems are more distant from me than many of ours here are.

The truth being, I'm waiting for husband to forward an e-mail that husband has ignored since the weekend wherein M supposedly asks for some help with a bit of his disorder at work. (I'll get to that later in another post after I see it and digest it.) There isn't a week (give or take) that goes by without some sort of irritating contact or reminder from one of them. Granted, it's not knives and RTCs and parole anymore, but it is parenting difficult children. And it would be very easy on me to withhold the not so nice stuff, but, it's too self-serving to pretend it doesn't happen while I'm dishing out advice to others. Several months ago I began to feel a bit pompous not bringing these things that happen far away from my home up when others have such difficult situations staring them in their face. But, I realized that I also didn't want anyone to think that it's a piece of cake because I never say anything, either. Honestly, I'd rather not share this ugly part of my life with outsiders.

I will start looking at the "good morning" posts for your updates on your families. That isn't what they used to be when Fran owned the board, so I guess that they have changed since then. I hope that you will continue to keep us informed of how your lives are going. I think it's helpful to know that the people who are in charge sometimes have problems, sometimes make progress, sometimes are in a rut, and often feel like their problems or progress isn't important enough to share with the rest of us. You'd be setting a great example, as all of those things are hard for us to post, too.

Thanks for all you do!

 

[flutterbee]

It's nice to hear from the mods. That's what this board is about - sharing our struggles, our successes, our been there done that experiences.

It is hard to put it out there for others to dissect, but we learn from each other and we support each other; and those of us that do that form a bond of sorts with each other.

I'm pretty sure that any of our difficult child's would be horrified to read what is here. But, what we put here serves to help us as parents help our own kids and maybe help another parent along the way.

 

[witzend]

I'm pretty sure that any of our difficult child's would be horrified to read what is here. But, what we put here serves to help us as parents help our own kids and maybe help another parent along the way.

Yes, I agree that my difficult children and sometimes my husband would be horrified by what I write. But that's what makes the board work, isn't it? If we want to write only nice things about our families, maybe this isn't the right board for us.

 

[slsh]

I think it's helpful to know that the people who are in charge ...

Oh Witz!!! I haven't been in charge of anything since... I don't know when. At least not effectively. Can I quote you? Please???

My hesitation in posting about our ongoing struggles with thank you is based on several things. The old-timers have "heard" me wring my hands for almost a decade now - it's old stuff, just regurgitated, you know? No question, I'm not nearly as crazed as I used to be about his junk but I can still work up a halfway decent tizzy. You've heard it all before. And I know what I need to do about it - detach, problem solve, accept, etc. Some stages have been easier than others. We're in a really tough one right now.

I'm also afraid the newer members of the board might think I'm a hardcase because I've set some pretty specific limits on just how much I'm willing to push or advocate for him anymore. I simply cannot keep doing for him that which he refuses (and is perfectly able) to do for himself. Which ties in to probably the most important reason I don't post a whole lot about our situation anymore - I don't ever ever ever want anyone to feel there isn't hope. I may be too close to our situation but I can't say I feel terribly hopeful these days - but thank you has always been a very resistant kid. I don't think there is a norm but I would really hate for someone to read a vent of mine and think his case is typical. I think there are far more kiddos, like Busy's, who hit the mid to late teen years (or even earlier) and start to enjoy some stability and success. on the other hand, if I thought thank you's story was a good cautionary tale on what *not* to do, I would gladly share it - but I can't even say that. We did the very best we could, I can't see any major mistakes we made, he had access to a ton of services, and ... it is what it is.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[witzend]

That makes sense. I think cautionary tales are pretty good though. Especially when we can realize that you don't actually die of embarrassment and shame when our difficult child's pull a doozy, and that usually our difficult child's get over it - one way or another!

Hey, I've been wringing my hands here for 6 years. I don't have as much to wring them about, thank goodness. But, keeping you all updated as to our snails pace progress makes me feel like I'm paying my dues, if you know what I mean!

 

[Fran]

"And it would be very easy on me to withhold the not so nice stuff, but, it's too self-serving to pretend it doesn't happen while I'm dishing out advice to others. Several months ago I began to feel a bit pompous not bringing these things that happen far away from my home up when others have such difficult situations staring them in their face. But, I realized that I also didn't want anyone to think that it's a piece of cake because I never say anything, either. Honestly, I'd rather not share this ugly part of my life with outsiders."

Witz, I prefer to believe this was not intended to be offensive or critical of the moderators choice to share or not share. It did sting me though.
What I post or don't post doesn't have much to do with suggestion I may make. My time here is not self serving and I have never painted a pretty picture of our life with difficult child. Certainly I have never hidden the ugly part of my life.

After 10 yrs I'm tired of dealing with difficult child. He is 24yrs old,iving at home. Is helpful but can't seem to hold a job, can't seem to get along with authority figures, can't make change with a calculator, continues to need to be told every day to shower, brush teeth and change his clothes, shave etc. His future at this point is starting to look bleak. I have always felt hope but at this age I see my hope dripping away as every day passes. Yet, I continue to believe that I must keep helping him to move forward. I find almost no resources for my son where he is among others who are similar. He can be grouped with those with mental retardation- which he isn't or grouped with those with mental illness which he isn't. Neither group is a fit that difficult child can live with. He would probably be better situated with those with brain injury but he does not have that diagnosis.

I find that I don't want him to be in my house again and that I am sad that he has nothing and somewhat embarassed by his appearance. Not a very motherly response but I am baring it all so you can see that my life has a fair amount of ugly. I see in his eyes that he knows we do not include him all the time. We are all trying to have a life and he is not included in every aspect. easy child isn't always included either as we are not included in their lives. I see his realization in his eyes that he is falling farther and farther behind his easy child peers. It breaks my heart but if I think too hard about it, I will fall apart. Mostly because it means that I am accepting that this is as good as it is going to get.

We are still working with interviewing with services. Takes a long time.

So now you know. I wish you had been softer or kinder in your request for our sharing. I don't feel I deserve the edge you brought to this post. It simply wasn't necessary.

 

[witzend]

"And it would be very easy on me to withhold the not so nice stuff, but, it's too self-serving to pretend it doesn't happen while I'm dishing out advice to others. Several months ago I began to feel a bit pompous not bringing these things that happen far away from my home up when others have such difficult situations staring them in their face. But, I realized that I also didn't want anyone to think that it's a piece of cake because I never say anything, either. Honestly, I'd rather not share this ugly part of my life with outsiders."

Fran, that was totally about how I feel about me. I'm sorry that you felt it was directed elsewhere, but it was an appropriate read of my own feelings about overcoming the fear I have of opening myself up to others to lend a helping hand. And honestly, I fail to see that as harsh on anyone. Each to his or her own. It's merely an internalization of the standard I hold myself to, even though it would be way easier to cut to the chase (advice) and ignore the tough stuff that will always happen in my life with my kids. I don't want anyone to think that I dish out advice and never had or have a hard time myself. Life goes on, and it isn't always pretty.

I'm glad that your son is doing well. I do know your story and how you all got to where you are, or at least where you were several years ago. Most others here do not, as most of us oldsters are gone. I think you and I and others who post after all these years have something to offer as to where we are and how we got here. But, again, that was about me, and it was an appropriate response.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Fran and Sue, you made my jaw drop when you mentioned comming up on almost 10 years LOL I just thought Wow, and then realized I belong now to the same club.

Marcie

 

[Lothlorien]

I don't post on general all that much anymore. I have posted an update, here and there, but there hasn't been much. Missy is doing better. She's on the right combo of medications, finally. She is in the aftercare program at school, three days a week. This enables me to have time to work, time to spend with just MM and it allows her to do her homework in a classroom setting with her peers and the teachers that run the program. This routine has made the world of difference, because on the days she comes home to do homework, she does it without the screaming and actually wants to finish it. We also had an in-home therapist come in, who was absolutely wonderful. Missy still has an occasional rage, but they don't last nearly as long. She seems to be a little more hesitant about destroying her room, as she's only thrown a few things, rather than putting holes in the walls.

Mighty Mouse is doing fine. He's making leaps and bounds this year in school. He stopped wetting his pants once he started kindegarten (some hidden anxiety there as well). He isn't wetting the bed at night, either.

Overall, the Loth house has been doing okay. Things are edgy with her, right now, because of the holidays, but I'm hoping she'll maintain.