Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Where do I begin?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620989" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi JKF, wow. I am so sorry for what is happening right now with your family. It sounds like what many have gone through, giving someone we love a fresh start and another chance. And then he blew it completely. </p><p></p><p>I am sure you have felt the whole range of feelings but it sounds like you are now thinking clearly about where YOU are and what YOUR role is today. You sound done. And I know that behind that "done" is a lot of history and pain. </p><p></p><p>If this is your son's first experience with law enforcement, you will be faced with multiple decisions in the days and weeks ahead. Hire a lawyer? Visit him in jail? Go to court? Put money on his account? Take phone calls from jail? If you can, stick to your plan today. It is hard over time, to remain consistent, when we feel they have very few choices and no help. If you believe he has to deal with this himself, and that is the only path to a possible turnaround for him, work hard to stay the course.</p><p></p><p>I don't know about you but I can get confused as a lot of information comes at me. I don't apologize for that, because I am doing the very best I can in a nearly impossible situation, watching someone I love self-destruct. </p><p></p><p>One thing that helps clear away the confusion, the "FOG" as others describe it, is to write down my plan. I can always change it, but it helps to get it on paper, sleep on it, get input from others, and then print it out and keep it handy in my purse, on my bathroom mirror, etc. It sounds remedial, and the first time I told someone about my process, I was embarrassed. But today, I believe writing it all down, and pulling it out and using it as necessary, has saved me from doing things and taking action and saying things that I don't want to do and I don't want to say. </p><p></p><p>My son, who is 24.5, has been arrested multiple times and has been in jail multiple times, once for as long as 7 months. Today, he is one arrest away from serving a prison sentence of four years. All of his charges are drug-related. </p><p></p><p>Like you said, you love your son very much. I love my son very much as well. I am working hard to let him go, to practice detachment with love and compassion, and to stop, wait, and let time take time. Writing a plan down helps with all of that. </p><p></p><p>Lately I have been feeling detachment with mad (lol) but today I am working to let that go and move to another place with my feelings and my actions. </p><p></p><p>I also learned to let phone calls go to voice mail. I remember the first time I heard that idea in a meeting, it was like a thunderbolt. I never considered being able to do that with one of my children. That is a great tool to buy some time and get prepared, even if you decide to take another call later. </p><p></p><p>I also give myself guidelines, like, don't answer any emails, texts, FB message or phone calls for at least 24 hours, or 48 hours, whatever the situation calls for. Sometimes I change my mind, and that's okay, too JKF. You have the right to change your mind at any time about anything. </p><p></p><p>It helps to have some "tools" and decisions made in the thick of a crisis. </p><p></p><p>And your feelings count so much, JKF. You sound "steeled for the duration" in your post, and also I can hear your tender, hurting heart for your son. </p><p></p><p>You have a right to all of your feelings, whatever they are. We are mothers, and some say that the mother/son bond is the hardest to reconcile in these awful situations.</p><p></p><p>Please come back here, as we are all here for you, to walk with you through this pain and through whatever happens next. Please take what you like and leave the rest from anything I have written. Just some thoughts for the journey. </p><p></p><p>Prayers and peace and good thoughts going out for you and for your whole family today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620989, member: 17542"] Hi JKF, wow. I am so sorry for what is happening right now with your family. It sounds like what many have gone through, giving someone we love a fresh start and another chance. And then he blew it completely. I am sure you have felt the whole range of feelings but it sounds like you are now thinking clearly about where YOU are and what YOUR role is today. You sound done. And I know that behind that "done" is a lot of history and pain. If this is your son's first experience with law enforcement, you will be faced with multiple decisions in the days and weeks ahead. Hire a lawyer? Visit him in jail? Go to court? Put money on his account? Take phone calls from jail? If you can, stick to your plan today. It is hard over time, to remain consistent, when we feel they have very few choices and no help. If you believe he has to deal with this himself, and that is the only path to a possible turnaround for him, work hard to stay the course. I don't know about you but I can get confused as a lot of information comes at me. I don't apologize for that, because I am doing the very best I can in a nearly impossible situation, watching someone I love self-destruct. One thing that helps clear away the confusion, the "FOG" as others describe it, is to write down my plan. I can always change it, but it helps to get it on paper, sleep on it, get input from others, and then print it out and keep it handy in my purse, on my bathroom mirror, etc. It sounds remedial, and the first time I told someone about my process, I was embarrassed. But today, I believe writing it all down, and pulling it out and using it as necessary, has saved me from doing things and taking action and saying things that I don't want to do and I don't want to say. My son, who is 24.5, has been arrested multiple times and has been in jail multiple times, once for as long as 7 months. Today, he is one arrest away from serving a prison sentence of four years. All of his charges are drug-related. Like you said, you love your son very much. I love my son very much as well. I am working hard to let him go, to practice detachment with love and compassion, and to stop, wait, and let time take time. Writing a plan down helps with all of that. Lately I have been feeling detachment with mad (lol) but today I am working to let that go and move to another place with my feelings and my actions. I also learned to let phone calls go to voice mail. I remember the first time I heard that idea in a meeting, it was like a thunderbolt. I never considered being able to do that with one of my children. That is a great tool to buy some time and get prepared, even if you decide to take another call later. I also give myself guidelines, like, don't answer any emails, texts, FB message or phone calls for at least 24 hours, or 48 hours, whatever the situation calls for. Sometimes I change my mind, and that's okay, too JKF. You have the right to change your mind at any time about anything. It helps to have some "tools" and decisions made in the thick of a crisis. And your feelings count so much, JKF. You sound "steeled for the duration" in your post, and also I can hear your tender, hurting heart for your son. You have a right to all of your feelings, whatever they are. We are mothers, and some say that the mother/son bond is the hardest to reconcile in these awful situations. Please come back here, as we are all here for you, to walk with you through this pain and through whatever happens next. Please take what you like and leave the rest from anything I have written. Just some thoughts for the journey. Prayers and peace and good thoughts going out for you and for your whole family today. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Where do I begin?
Top